Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
"Now, time for you both to tell me your powers or you will end up like your poor friend here," Raphael said as he smiled, while Mara laid on the floor unconscious.
Xezbeth then proceeded to tell his powers.
"I can reprogram one's mind to believe any lie I say."
Raphael then gave a small nod and started talking. "You do this through hands as well?" Raphael asked.
"Yes, yes I do," Xezbeth answered.
"Good, glue his hands as well then guards," Raphael commanded.
The guards then proceeded and dragged Mara to where Xezbeth was, and took a jar in which they placed both Mara's and Xezbeth's hands together in. Upon coming out, their hands were completely glued and stuck together within seconds.
"Wow, I need this one day," Xezbeth said as he tried but couldn't move his hands.
Raphael then pointed at Midday and asked about her powers.
"I control a scythe that grows six feet upon my command, it's pretty sharp and deadly," Midday said. "Where is this scythe you speak of?" Raphael questioned.
Midday then proceeded and motioned at her back pocket with her head, to which the guards responded and took the scythe out.
"Add it to my collection," Raphael said as he got back upon his chair.
"What's the point of this?" Xezbeth asked this.
Raphael then answered, "You guys are mainly a decoy, my plan is to get an edge in killing Amon. I'm sure you didn't know but the seven princes of hell are all equal in power, and even I can't kill Amon without dying myself. There is however something that can put me or any prince of hell ahead against the other, and that is souls. Souls represent the spiritual energy and power of humans themselves. Human souls allow demons to become even more powerful as demons feed off of it, and we angels do the same. The princes of hell however equally share the amount of souls they have, and are united under sin. There is one thing I can do however that will make me stronger than them, and that is kill one of the princes of hell themselves, and take one of their souls through the transfer of their blood."
Xezbeth then continued, "No way," he said as his mouth shivered.
"I'm done with these three here, take them to the prison first thing tomorrow morning, we have quite much stored for them there," Raphael said as he finished with a smile.
Hours later, the sun raised, as the headquarters began to start its daily operations. Belphegor awoke from within his office, upon a bed he had placed there. Upon waking up he was met by his secretary of operations, Iscariot, a young man of Cuban descent who held a gold earring on his left ear and walked with a cane. He had the power to cause anyone to see their allies as enemies.
"Any word on the three I sent out or deaths?" Belphegor asked as he got ready to go towards his seat.
"No sir, the three you sent out have not reported back yet, neither did the DJinn you sent, and no deaths have been reported, everything seems to be fine."
Belphegor froze, and noticed Iscariot did not look at him not one while talking. He then stared into space as he covered his face with his right hand.
"This isn't like them or the Djinn, something is wrong, I want an investigation asap," Belphegor commanded.
"Yes sir, your wish is my command," Iscariot responded as quickly left the office, all while fidgeting. Belphegor then sighed ,
"I really could use my other brothers now, all this work load is killing me." Belphegor then thought of an idea and called for a DJinn by chating its summong, "Venit tantibus." A DJinn then appeared.
"Yes sir," the Djinn then said.
Belphegor then got ready to respond,
"Listen, I need you to assemble my best men from the table of violence, I need a strong search team going, I have a bad feeling about things." The Djinn then nodded and headed off, disappearing within a flash. "I need a break," Belphegor said as he left his room for fresh air outside.
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,439 Reviews
You are beginning a new chapter; it would be nice to reset the settings, situation and characters before plunging into the dialogue. A few establishing sentences would be more than enough.
Started talking is unnecessary since this is followed up by a dialogue line and its existence is more than telling that he is talking.
You use proceeded a lot. Get an editor that gives you word use count to see which words you are overusing.
Spoiler
Why is he telling them his plan? I know it’s what villains do a lot in movies and cartoons but he shouldn’t really be telling them his plan. Look over your dialogue overall and cut down when it becomes too wordy. Also don’t have characters monologue for too long, and whenever they do, partition it with tags for better flow and pacing.
Show, don’t tell. Show how the sunlight breaks the horizon followed by the disk. How the silent corridors slowly fill with the sound of doors and steps. How the courtyard crowd. How people take their posts across the area. Things like that. You have so many possibilities. Same goes for the entire paragraph and every time you summarize rather than narrate. Also be careful with repetitions.
How does he get ready to go to his seat? This is another example of telling, and one such that the actions he is taking do not become apparent and need further elaboration.
I think you need to read more. I don’t know if I already said this in previous reviews, but you have your story, but your language and style need a lot of work. Read, write, a lot, and a little bit every day to build up the habit and the sense of writing.
Hey GeoCha! Sherri here to review your story.
It's good to see new members!
Welcome to YWS, by the way
I really liked this--especially the names. I have a thing for characters with unique names--even though it was surprisingly short. With how the story was going from the beginning, was expecting something super long; it being short certainly isn't a bad thing, though
I only noticed a few minor errors, and I also have a suggestion.
"...then thought of an idea and called for a DJinn by chating its summong, "Venit tantibus." A DJinn then appeared." There are a few errors in here. DJinn seems like it should be Djinn in both cases, summong is summoning, and chating is supposed to be--I'm assuming--chanting.
As for the suggestion, I recommend you start off your dialogue with variety. I've had someone suggest this to me, as well; it really does add flow to the story. Basically, instead of starting every line of dialogue at the beginning of a paragraph, start a few here and there after you have written a sentence or two in front of it. That way there are paragraphs that begin with dialogue and begin with normal sentences. It was hard for me to adjust to at first, but like I said, it really does add a nice variety to the format of your story.
Anyways, awesome job! I have one last question, though: How do you pronounce Xezbeth's name? I want to pronounce it correctly in my mind while reading XD
Nice work; can't wait to see what else you write!
Hey, thanks so much for the review, and I will try to change my format, I might mess it up at first though. Also, my character names are all a bit confusing to pronounce, and as the story goes on, it will get worse, ha, but I pronounce it X-Beth. THanks again for the review