16+ Violence

Fathers of Power Chapter 3: Son of Aredes

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Black Eyes Book 2: Fathers of Power: Chapter 3: Son of Aredes (Part I)

With speeds and strengths of men who lived in ancient time, of men whose grandparents probably knew Zakashi’s grandchildren, the Magmalians kept Blade moving fast and swinging hard. Already?! A man who Blade had just kicked off was already rushing on with many others. Blade made a rapid spin, killing four men, then jumped back quickly to avoid an enemy sword, the ground cracking from the force of his movement. The rate at which the enemies were falling had decreased dramatically since Zedra’s spell. “Seems this will take longer than I had imagined,” Blade said to himself, dodging a few more attacks and replying with some of his own.

***

As the young prince stared into the eyes of the world’s first wizard, he felt the power of death loom over his soul. “Calm yourself, boy,” Oga said. “I have come to cleanse you, to restore your power.” Azar tried to speak, but the unnatural fear stopped him from uttering a word. “It seems my accomplice enjoys watching you fight. Your soul is burdened with a conflict of powers. Magic, lightning, fire and darkness are just too much for your feeble spirit to handle.” The old wizard took a few steps back, then held out his right hand toward the shaking Azar.

What is this fear? Why can’t I do anything?! Is this death sweeping over me?! Azar panicked. He could not understand the terror he was feeling. Gold, glowing writings began to appear brighter and brighter on Oga’s arm. Azar recognized them instantly to resemble the inscriptions he saw on the golden vials he knew could contain dark spirits.

“Come forth!” Oga commanded. Azar’s consciousness flickered as a flurry of darkness was pulled from his soul through his eyes. The strange entity gathered in Oga’s palm. The wizard clenched his fist tightly, and the dark sphere became a black mist that quickly disappeared. Azar panted heavily, staring forward at the man called a god by history. “Your mana will take some time to regenerate, but your lightning should be operational. Your fire-making is innate, so it will return to you, but in weeks to come… Farewell.” With that, Oga vanished without a trace, without a cloud of mana.

“So you think you can beat me, my lady? Do you have a clue of what my power is like?” Viknor asked Zedra.

“Huh?” He looked over at Azar.

“What’s the matter, kid?”

What the… Oga… Viknor would think I am mad if I tell him what just happened. The prince clenched his fists in focus, trying to call forth either of his powers. Viknor stared down at the bright, white, sharp lights that surrounded the man’s fists. A confident smirk appeared on Azar’s face. “I’ll explain later, but I think I am finally ready for battle.”

“Why isn’t your lightning black?” the wizard asked.

“That’s no matter,” Zedra said, “such elements are grossly inferior to magic!” A flare of red mana appeared about her as she stooped and slammed her hands against the ground. “Rise! Army of bones!” she commanded, and a ripple of red mana flung itself from her. Before Azar could react, Viknor erected a sturdy shield of purple mana around them. Ignoring the purple shield, the flash of red mana spread itself over about a square mile, gracing what seemed to be ancient bones half buried in the wasteland. Azar looked about and crouched a little as the earth trembled. Viknor was not troubled through. Rising from the ground, and generating flesh about themselves were the hundreds, maybe thousands of bones.

“Pathetic, woman!” Viknor said, and without moving a muscle or visibly commanding a spell, a pulse of purple mana flashed out from the purple sphere that had covered him. Azar covered his eyes quickly from the bright purple light. Zedra conjured up a shield quickly, but her defence was inferior to the attack she faced. Her shield was destroyed and she was struck harshly by the wave of power. She cried out as she hit the ground some meters off, rolling on the dusty wasteland. She recovered to her feet quickly though, red mana already surrounding her and healing her bruises. She clenched her teeth and stared at the smiling Viknor, seeing her army was already destroyed, and with a single and effortless attack. “I bid you, abandon your mission and do not force me to kill you!” Viknor said.

“Don’t get cocky yet, senile old man! A superior grade of magic doesn’t guarantee victory!”

“It’s a pity you won’t live to benefit from all that I will now show you!” Viknor said, summoning up mana about his hands. “Azar, do you want to kill her yourself?” Viknor asked so Zedra heard, “Take your time. My paralysis spell will keep her from escaping.”

“Like you can touch me with such elementary spells.”

“I’m afraid you’re already bound by my technique,” Viknor said. Zedra eyes widened as she tried to move. She couldn’t even spaceshift.

What?! When?! There was a slight film of purple mana about her. Seeing the look on Zedra’s face, Azar realized that she was already suffering from Viknor’s silent spell.

This man, if even by force, he will teach me! Azar made up his mind. “Alright, I’ll end this now and kill my father!” Azar held his hands out toward the witch and released two bolts of deadly current. Zedra stared at the approaching streaks, hearing the loud rustle of death nearing. *SLAM!* There was a thunderous sound as the bolts struck a purple shield of mana that had just appeared. Azar dropped his hands in weariness. He hissed, realizing that his stamina with electricity had not improved one bit. As a purple cloud of mana dispersed, another enemy’s appearance was revealed. An old woman in a black dress with patterned skulls about its hem was standing beside Zedra, her hand on the woman’s shoulder. Zedra sighed heavily.

“I knew you’d come,” she said to her rescuer, still looking forward at Viknor and the prince. Azar glanced over at Viknor. He could not understand the look in the wizard’s face. His eyes were wide and Azar was sure the old man was even shaking a little.

What the hell’s going on? Azar wondered.

“Don’t get mushy, my failure of a student,” the appeared woman said coldly. “It was this wizard’s power that I sensed. You could say I saved you by accident with the shield I appeared with. You go on home now. I will kill this man.”

“He is your enemy as well, Hilda?” Hilda’s face was fixed with grave seriousness. Zedra saw that she indeed had longstanding resentment for this wizard. “Let us kill him together then!” Zedra said, sounding quite fond of the idea.

“Girl, you will only get in my way in a fight like this!”

“Hilda! I’m not the weak, hopeless witch you left behind many years ago! I will prove my strength while we fight this sorcerer.” Hilda hissed in annoyance.

“Very well. Just don’t stain my dress with your blood,” Hilda gave the prospect a chance. “As I am sure you already know by now, though, this wizard is distances from you in skill. I warned you, so if you get killed I will still get some sleep tonight.” Zedra laughed.

“When we are done here, you should come work for the king with me,” Zedra said.

“And what use would he have for you after seeing my skill?” the reply came bluntly.

“Who is this woman?”Azar asked, “Is she Catherina who you thought was dead?” Azar asked Viknor, whose countenance had changed. He no longer looked frightened and jittery, but was serious and solemn, like the fight wouldn’t be as much a pleasure as he had anticipated.

44 Years Earlier

“Great Aredes, I know your son is a councillor as well. If you find it too difficult to kill your Viknor, then have him join you and work for me,” Prime Minister Vax said.

“No, I will kill all my subordinates without partiality. This will show you my loyalty, and you will see how dedicated I am to this dream of ours.” Vax looked quite pleased with his right hand’s response.

“Very good,” he affirmed, “and when you destroy the Ogal council, nothing will be there to stop us. That eyesore of a council – it was set up to be a thorn in the king’s side, to be an ever-watching eye that hampers true progress. Do not think that you will regret giving up your position as Ogal leader. When the council is destroyed, we both will have far more power and control. You will be Prime Minister of Notherland, and I will reclaim the lost title of king! With the reform we have planned out, capturing the other continents will be more than just a distant dream!”

“That young supreme general, Kaleb, he seems he might be troublesome. Knowing him, he will try to create a rebellion against us,” Aredes said.

“I know. But I will arrange to have him put away before such things can ensue.”

“Very well. I will kill the sorcerers tomorrow, as I will meet with them, as is our custom.” Catherina shook with wide eyes. Her suspicion of the two proved to be far from arbitrary.

“Viknor…” she whispered under her breath. She closed her eyes in focus. She was clothed in a cloud of invisibility that drained her mana by harsh amounts each second. She shifted away, unable to maintain the spell any longer, leaving behind no waste mana. Aredes smirked slightly.

“I will go then,” he told the king, then vanished, leaving behind an elaborate splash of black mana.

***

“Hilda, I’ve been thinking,” Thimius said to his lover as she was drifting off into a peaceful sleep on his chest, the thin crème sheet resting over them. She felt his cool lips kiss her forehead. He chuckled slightly as he felt her mouth move into a smile.

“What is it?” the witch asked sleepily.

“I know we are some of the strongest magicians in Notherland, but you know, even we councillors might be matched by a few teenagers in the school of magic. We are wise, but only because we were taught by Aredes, who can, even by himself, perform any sorcerous duty the country demands.”

“What are you saying, dear?” Hilda asked, sitting up to look at him readingly, not used to this kind of ranting from him.

“Well…” he seemed a bit reluctant, and was grinning blushingly. “I was thinking… Maybe we’ve spend enough time serving the council.” She saw his face change to a soberness that meant seriousness. “We won’t be young forever. Let us retire from the council and raise a proper family. Children and everything. With our savings, we can buy a—” She jumped on top of him and frightened him with a flurry of kisses and happy laughs. Naturally, his laughter was triggered by hers. “We’ll get married and all. Live on a house on a hilltop, with a huge ranch and a wide vineyard!” Thimuis ranted. Hilda’s eyes were bright and her smile was pretty and joyous.

As Hilda pulled the sheet over them, there was an intruding bang from downstairs. Thimius held on to Hilda as she jerked frightenedly. “Hilda!” she heard her friend’s voice call with more than just a slight trace of worrying panic.

“Catherina?! What’s wrong?! Come up!” As Hilda spoke, a cloud of red mana appeared in the bedroom, and out of it stepped the Ogal councillor. Hilda and Thimius sat up quickly, putting their backs up against the wall, drawing the sheet to cover themselves. They stared speechlessly at the horrid sight. The look of trauma on Catherina’s face was the most frightening thing. The witch stood there shaking, blood dripping from her hands, splashes of blood on her dress. “Wh—What happened?” Hilda asked in a whisper, unable to imagine, yet fearing the answer.

“Aredes,” Catherina said, still shaking. Her peers’ eyes widened even more, and they almost shared her expression. “I killed him. In his sleep,” the woman said, shaking even more. Hilda looked over at Thimuis. His face was well wrinkled.

“Master…” he whispered. “You… killed Lord… Why?” the man asked, justifiably perplexed.

“He was… planning to kill all of us. Even Viknor! He and the Prime Minister are planning to dissolve the council and cast their rule on the neighbouring continents!” Catherina told them. For a moment, neither Hilda not Thimius said anything. Then suddenly, the man rushed up from the bed toward Catherina, fire in his eyes and red mana flaring about him.

“Thimius!” Hilda called, grabbing on to him. He calmed quickly, shaking and sweating.

“You have gone mad, Catherina…”

“Please,” Catherina pled, beginning now to cry, “you have to—”

“I believe you,” Hilda said, an air of calm and sureness in her voice, which sort of relaxed both Catherina and Thimius. “First, let us gather the rest of us,” Hilda said.

“Viknor… What about Viknor?” Catherina asked with sullen eyes, tears running down her face. Her body weakened and her muscles gave way. Hilda sped to her and grabbed her up. “What have I done? I killed his father… I killed our leader… I shouldn’t have acted alone… I am a criminal, Hilda! What will sister think of me?! There must have been another way!” Catherina looked like she was about to go mad. Hilda held her tightly.

“Keep your head on,” she said. “We’ll sort this out.” Hilda tried to subdue her own shaking so she wouldn’t raise Catherina’s.

***

Viknor jumped out of his sleep, a sense of dread sweeping over him. What is this ominous feeling? He conjured up some mana to light the room. He sighed, casting aside the sudden feeling, thinking he was having a nightmare that had slipped off the edge of his memory. He rose and went to his study, where he would read ancient writing until he fell asleep again.

***

The five councillors had gathered solemnly around Catherina’s dining table. “I wish you would have just told me about this instead,” Lydia sobbed, “why did you choose to bear this upon yourself?”

“Sister…”

“What if he had woken up?! You know, Lord Aredes could have slain you without batting an eye!” Quincy her brother said.

“That is why I killed him in his sleep!” Catherina defended.

“And now what will we tell Viknor?! Do you think he will sit still on hearing that you killed his father while he slept?! How are we even sure that our Lord was scheming to kill us?!” Thimius went on.

“Alright, that’s enough!” Hilda said, “The milk has spilt and dried already. We must figure out our next step. Remember that Catherina took this burden upon herself that we would not have to bear it. She has saved us with her brave act, and I will not allow even you, my love, to cast any more guilt on her than she already must bear. I will say myself that I never trusted Lord Aredes from the beginning, but I would entrust the life of the children I will bear to my dear Catherina!” There was a sudden silence as they looked at Hilda strangely. “Back to the matter at hand!” she shifted back the conversation, feeling a bit pink on her cheeks. Thimius sighed.

“What will become of us councillors?” Thimius asked them. “Do you think we will be punished lightly for this crime?!”

Catherina stood at once. “This is my crime, not ours!” she said, no longer looking shaky and nervous. “I did what I believed was necessary and I will face whatever consequences and shame I must… Whatever hatred…” She cast her eyes downward as she thought of Viknor again. They were all silent for a while.

“Aredes is dead…” Hilda said,” But the Ogal Council is still alive. This council was the original leader of Notherland, and before Notherland’s time, it was the word power, led by the god Oga himself, the creator of magic! How can we sit in fear of a mere man titled Prime Minister, or even king?! I will tell Vax myself that I delivered Aredes’ death, and as a protector of Notherland sworn by Oga’s name, I will slay him myself! We, the Ogal council, shall rule over Notherland! And it is Catherina who will be our new leader!” Catherina looked at Hilda speechlessly for a moment, then she shook her head. She looked down at her siblings, and at Thimius, who had a rancid look on his face.

“Hilda, will you not marry me and leave these troublesome siblings to deal with their problem?” Hilda flashed a look of disgust at her lover. He shook his head, his eyes grim with disappointment. “So you have chosen this life. You have chosen her… Good bye, Hilda.” With that, he disappeared in a splash if airy redness.

“Thimius! Dammit!” Hilda blasted, banging the table. She looked at Catherina, who was wearing an empty look on her face again.

“I have caused too much ruin to befall you, Hilda,” she said. “Please, I beg you, leave me and go be with him.”

“Cath—”

“For the sake of my conscience, Hilda…” Hilda sighed and grabbed on to her friend’s shoulder.

“I will never abandon you. I, like Lydia, am your sister.” Catherina smiled faintly. Lydia stood as well. “Lydia, Quincy, do not leave her side tonight. If anything happens, make me aware.” They nodded, and Hilda vanished from their midst.

“You two go home and get some rest,” Catherina said.

“I simply cannot!” Lydia protested. Catherina hugged them both, her little brother and sister.

“I love you two,” Catherina said, then disappeared.

“Sister!” they both called, reaching to grab the vanished woman.

***

Viknor licked his fingers and pulled his hair back, grinning at himself in the mirror, certain that his new apparel would make quite the impression on Catherina. “Shifting is convenient, but I wish I had a chariot to ride up in today.”

***

“He isn’t stronger than any of us, but if we let our guards down, someone might get hurt,” Quincy said. Lydia sighed heavily. The four were grimly gathered at mount Oga, where Aredes and Viknor were supposed to join them, only one was dead, and the other was his son. Thimius also was missing, but somehow, Hilda didn’t let that concern her too much.

“You three, if Viknor strikes at me, I beg you, do not interfere.”

“I will not allow either of you to be killed today, whether of guilt or rage,” Hilda assured. “Even since your siblings’ birth, you, Viknor and I have been friends. Today won’t be easy, but we will get pass it.”

“Come on, Hilda, you make it sound like you two are that much older than me and Lydia!” Quincy complained. Hilda smiled a little.

“Before your conception is like yesterday to me and your big sis,”

“Hilda!” Catherina blasted, suddenly feeling like an old woman.

*SPLOOF!* An elaborate cloud of red mana appeared suddenly. Catherina gulped and her heart raced and her body weakened. Grimness reappeared on the four’s faces. Catherina’s eyes became watery when she looked at Viknor’s boyish grin. The grin faded quickly though, a grin she would never get the chance to see again. “What’s wrong?” he asked, getting worried instantly. “Catherina!” He rushed up to the crying woman.

“Don’t touch me!” she shouted, frightening him. Viknor stepped back slowly with wide eyes, seeing the stress on the witch’s face. Hilda hissed under her breath.

“Viknor,” Hilda said, “I—”

“I killed your father!” Catherina finally said, realizing that Hilda was about to utter a grave lie. Viknor stated at Catherina with a blank face for a moment. He began laughing suddenly, but the laugh became less and less convincing and real by the moment. On seeing the tears falling down Catherina’s face, Viknor stopped laughing. He felt his head ache and muscles collapsing.

“Wh—what do you mean?... That’s impossible…” he said. “My father is the strongest sorcerer in the world… Besides…”

“I killed him in his sleep,” Catherina said, “He was plotting to kill us all and destroy the Ogal council!” There was a blank look on Viknor’s face. The look soon changed to that of confusion.

“…What?”

Catherina covered her face with her palms, sobbing loudly. “I’m sorry, Viknor!” The wizard shook his head, not wanting to believe this. The man looked about at them, seeing no one was wearing a light face. His eyes fidgeted. *POOF!* He disappeared in an explosion of mana, appearing in his father’s bedroom. He rushed over to Aredes in a panic. He was lying on his bed, seemingly asleep, but Viknor feared otherwise. Viknor shook the middle aged man vigorously. Viknor stepped back from his old man, seeing the holes in his clothes. Beneath his clothes were tightly wrapping bandages that Catherina had used to stop all his blood from escaping. Viknor touched the man’s face gently, tears welling up in his eyes. The wizard closed his eyes and tried to relax his mind to use a technique his father had told him about. He grasped the dead man’s forehead, and mana wrapped itself around them both. Viknor watched his father’s last memory. In a blurry flash, Aredes woke up in a cutting pain, already covered in blood, seeing the knife descend and plunge into him again, delivering the killing stab. Viknor’s eyes flung themselves open and he jumped back, panting and sweating. “Catherina… You really…” *POOF!*

Viknor appeared in the midst of the four, already, like it was by fate, facing his father’s murderer. “Viknor, he was plotting to kill us all. You must trust Catherina,” Hilda said, realizing he had discovered that Catherina’s words were truth. A long moment passed before another word was said.

“You witch…” Viknor half whispered. “You killed my father while he slept…” Tears ran down his face freely. He shook his head slightly.

“I know I should have come to you,” Catherina cried.

“You evil witch… You betrayed me… You killed father… Catherina…” As the longest moment passed, Catherina’s heart became almost too heavy for her chest to bear. “I bid you from now. Marry me in hell.” The woman’s eyes widened. Suddenly, a flare of red mana appeared about the man, and the ground and air about him began to burn. There was a look on Viknor’s face that was strange and eerie to Catherina. It was like he was stripped of all feeling. He glanced around at the other councillors and nodded slightly. Mana was roaring about them as well, all of them except for Catherina. “I see.”

“Viknor… Please… Hurry and kill me. Hilda, Quincy, Lydia, do not interfere…”

“Are you mad, sister?!” Quincy blasted.

“Lord Viknor,” Lydia said nervously, “please forgive sister.”

“No one will die here today,” Hilda said firmly, “neither you, Viknor, nor any of us.”

“Stay out of this, Hilda. You two children, go home…” Viknor said calmly. Quincy hissed. In a wicked suddenness, Viknor’s face changed again. His teeth clenched and his eyes widened, and the look of pure hatred he was trying to hold back took him over. “Die!” he blasted, and in a jiffy, the four were frightened by a sudden change in his magical energy. Purple mana raged about him, ripping up the ground and heating the air like fire.

“Sixth?!” Hilda could barely speak. She hissed with clenched teeth. “Viknor…” Two swords of brilliant purple mana appeared in the wizard’s hands. In what appeared a single movement that wrecked the earth beneath his feet, as the man saw himself a boy being patted on his head by his gentle father, he was upon Catherina. There was a thunderous clash as Hilda’s muscles strained to defend Catherina with redly bright swords. Catherina’s eyes widened. She had though that she was dead. Hilda became suddenly nervous as she stared into the resolute eyes of Viknor. She felt her mana blades withering under the pressure of a greater magic. “Catherina! Get a hold of yourself!” Hilda blasted.

Viknor glanced to his left as he saw Lydia rush on toward him with a red mana lance, red mana glowing around her feet to boost her speed. *POOF!* Lydia’s weapon rushed through clearing waste mana. Viknor appeared in the air a few meters off. “Anam Resal!” he commanded, his right palm bracing on the back of his left hand. A massive flurry of mana rushed down from his hands toward the group of councillors. Quincy and Lydia pooled their strengths and forged instantly a strong red shield around the four of them. With the sound and of thunder and clash bright as lightning, the earth shook as the shield struggled to maintain itself.

“Shift Scatter!” Hilda commanded, and in a jiffy, the four were moved from within the caving shield, made to appear to surround Viknor on the ground. Hilda panted, looking up at Viknor, who disappeared before gravity could act upon him. “Viknor!” Hilda called. *POOF!* He appeared behind Catherina, holding a sword of mana to her neck. Everyone stood still. *POOF!* In what was as fast as one shift, Hilda appeared before Catherina, grabbed her and moved with her, appearing behind Viknor. “Please, Viknor, give yourself time to forgive Catherina. If you kill her here, do you think you will be able to live with yourself?” Viknor’s sword disappeared into a thin smoke of purple mana. His aura calmed and normalized to red. The fierce look in his eyes vanished, and tears ran down his face. He sighed.

30 Years Before

“Viknor, my son,” the powerful wizard said to the sleeping infant, looking down into the cradle, “your potency is so great that your mother, a mere woman, could not bear you and live… You will be, one day, even as great as I am now. He bent over above the babe and rested his hand on the little forehead. Black mana appeared about the man’s hand and about the child. “Because of my rare power and my dreams, I will be an enemy to those even who serve me. The chance is minute, but I might somehow be killed, though I cannot imagine anyone but Oga himself being strong enough to fight me.” The man laughed a little. “Still, with this forbidden spell I have discovered from the ancient ruins where God himself learnt the art of magic, I will have you unlock this portion of power I give you if you come to understand that I was killed in battle. The one who might shed my blood will, not by your own will or choice, be hated grievously by you, and you will not rest until that one is dead. This, my will, my power, I give unto you, dear Viknor, that even in my death, I will live on through you. My will shall crush yours, and I will be incarnated in you, my son.” With that, he began the sacred chant that would not end until daybreak.

Hilda sighed, realizing that Viknor had become himself again. Viknor cried out suddenly, crashing to his knees, holding his head, which ached severely. “Viknor!” Catherina cried out. Hilda grabbed on to her, who was about to run up to him. There was another quick flare of purple mana about Viknor. Darkness flashed in his eyes for a moment, then he stood, his energy creating a vicious wind.

“What is this?” Hilda asked herself, “Wasn’t he calm just now?” She hissed. I suppose his hatred is thicker even than his love for her. He turned toward Catherina and Hilda, that cold look in his eyes fully returned.

“I will leave nothing of you four,” he said calmly. Catherina’s siblings appeared at her side, taking their battle stances, summoning up fresh weapons.

Comments & reviews · 5
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Cloudless
Comment

Sorry accidently posted twice. Look below. XD

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Cloudless
Review

Alright! The first thing I noticed was the shorter chapter. God has heard my prayers! (looking at a screen too long is pretty taxing)

To start with, the first sentence was a little weird. I think it is because I think you can manage to cut the sentence down into two. That or reword it so that it flows better. I just got lost in it because it was so long. Over all in the first part (before the '***') I think could use a good read-over. It seemed a little blocky and awkward. In fact, I'd even go as far as to replace it with "As the battle in [insert location] continued, [start with section two]". Just my thoughts.

Then there aren't any real issues besides some battle description. Here is an example of where the paragraph starts. “That’s no matter,” Zedra said..." So that paragraph, and the paragraph that follows can be broken up into many smaller paragraphs. For example

e.g.“That’s no matter,” Zedra said, “such elements are grossly inferior to magic!” A flare of red mana appeared about her as she stooped and slammed her hands against the ground.

turns to: “That’s no matter,” Zedra said, “such elements are grossly inferior to magic!”

A flare of red mana appeared about her as she stooped and slammed her hands against the ground.

“Rise! Army of bones!” she commanded, and a ripple of red mana flung itself from her.

All in all, as good as ever. Just some minor fixes.

Thanks a lot for reviewing!

User avatar
MaryEvans
Review

I think speed is uncountable in the context you use it. In any case there’s something funky going on with that first sentence and I suggest you look it over.

You repeat Blade too much, use “he” instead sometimes. Also since this is the opening of a new chapter I think you should re-establish things, settings and actors a bit better. That first paragraph is just a bit messy. Slow down, look it over, take your time and give us the action in sizeable bites.

Start dialogue on a new line.

Continuing from above, things are happening too fast. Sometimes it’s good to slow down.
Here, for example:

The wizard clenched his fist tightly, and the dark sphere became a black mist that quickly disappeared.

You can elaborate. Focus on the details. Separate out the actions in their own sentences. Description I think is the key word for you, take your time painting the scenes.

the appeared woman

Odd. Appeared is not an adjective. Just say, the woman. Or even better, use her name.
Look over your dialogue tags and make sure they fit the line before them. When you say something like:

“He is your enemy as well, Hilda?” Hilda’s face was fixed with grave seriousness.

It is as if she is talking. To avoid this just put the second sentence on a new line rather than use it as a tag.

As I said about Blake, you tend to use the characters’ names a lot in clusters, vary it. If you used the name in one sentence, use the pronoun in the next.

44 Years Earlier

Do we have to flashback? First you should find a better way to transit than this. Second, flashbacks don’t integrate well in writing, you need to be really careful in how and when you use them. Here are a few links that might help:

Spoiler
http://www.writingforward.com/news-announcements/guest-posts/the-five-rules-of-writing-flashbacks
http://www.novel-writing-help.com/flash ... iting.html
http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/educat ... s-in-books


Don’t overuse the break (*** this thing). And don’t follow up flashback with another flashback. That’s the biggest problem in this chapter I think. It started ok, and then the action died after the first flashback. Because truth is, flashbacks halt everything, it’s like stopping your plot for an indefinite period of time to look at something else. Use them only when they are absolutely necessary for the action we have been following, and use them sparingly.

Thanks for taking time to read and review. I will look into your points.

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GeoCha
Review
GeoCha wrote a review · Tue Jul 08, 2014 12:47 am

Nice chapter!!! I for one loved the action, all the magic and everything. Hilda is easily becoming my second favorite character, and I am fond of Viknor, who I really feel sorry for.

My favorite part of this piece had to be:
"Catherina covered her face with her palms, sobbing loudly. “I’m sorry, Viknor!” The wizard shook his head, not wanting to believe this. The man looked about at them, seeing no one was wearing a light face. His eyes fidgeted. *POOF!* He disappeared in an explosion of mana, appearing in his father’s bedroom. He rushed over to Aredes in a panic. He was lying on his bed, seemingly asleep, but Viknor feared otherwise. Viknor shook the middle aged man vigorously. Viknor stepped back from his old man, seeing the holes in his clothes. Beneath his clothes were tightly wrapping bandages that Catherina had used to stop all his blood from escaping. Viknor touched the man’s face gently, tears welling up in his eyes. The wizard closed his eyes and tried to relax his mind to use a technique his father had told him about. He grasped the dead man’s forehead, and mana wrapped itself around them both. Viknor watched his father’s last memory. In a blurry flash, Aredes woke up in a cutting pain, already covered in blood, seeing the knife descend and plunge into him again, delivering the killing stab. Viknor’s eyes flung themselves open and he jumped back, panting and sweating. “Catherina… You really…” *POOF!*"

I totally felt the emotion in that one, and I felt like it really shifted the story to the epic fight the five of them had. This had some really great drama and action and I believe the next chapter should be great. I love your fighting scenes, keep up the good work!

thanks much! I will post again soon.



I would always rather be happy than dignified.
— Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre