Leja

You tend to use very long sentences... see the second paragraph for an example. Which is fine, in moderation. Short sentences help to break things up so they don't become ...

I like the second language additions, and especially how you've added a glossary at the end; very helpful. Did you make the language up yourself? Oh, the poem at the ...

First off, I'd suggest going through and editing out for wordiness. Sometimes that alone can clear up many problems. For example, in the first paragraph or so: It came, sometimes, ...

Things I've mentioned in other chapters still apply, like info blocks and such. Yeah, it's a bit of an odd chapter, but no worries. That's what makes it fun to ...

I found Sitar wandering around moonily . No doubt he’d gone into the city that surrounds my offices, and found some girl at his favorite haunt. Moonily doesn't give off ...

Things like "Mwahahahahahaha" aren't generally used in a story that isn't intended for satire because they're often too... immature. There are other ways of describing a cackling laugh that will ...

This doesn't seems so much a story as a plot outline in prose format. Take ideas like "This guardian angel will try to save the moon child" and flesh them ...

You really don't need all that stuff at the beginning. Maybe a brief comment about the grammar thing, but I was so bored by the end, I almost didn't read ...

The room didn’t even present the option of spoons, with signs like “No Food or Drink,” and the receptionist behind her desk who looked like she was pensively chewing gum ...

For so many words, I didn't catch a whole lot being said. The last two lines were drifting towards somthing interesting, but what leads up to them was a little ...

I like the style, but it was a little too... intense... for me to read all at once. Too bad you didn't post them in different threads, or it would ...

Phew. That first sentence was long. I'd suggest taking out some wordiness: "When I saw her, sitting on a bench close to the cafe I was currently sitting in [ ...

You repeated the idea of loneliness, and you should use your 17 syllabals to expand on something rather than say the same thing twice. Also, adding some punctuation would be ...

I kinda thought you spoiled it by prefacing the poem. I felt pretty disconnected from this poem. Like I had to know you to really get it. "It pains you ...

It seemed to me like the rhyming got in the way; it doesn't seem like the type of poem that needs to rhyme. I liked where you were going with ...