Waiting for Tomorrow

KibaLuvr wrote:Under My Skin

[s]I can't wait for tommorow
And neither can you[/s]
You are [s]never[/s] under my skin.
You [s]and only[/s] you can stay there,
You know[s]?[/s].
[s]The way people are[/s]
I can't stop thinking
About you.

[s]Why can't I see into tommorow
For tommorow is just a day away

But for me
I'm just wandering
And I'm believing that I will never wait for tommorow

Trust in me
Don't think that you can't harm me[/s]
[s]For [/s]When I'm the only one [s]that's[/s] under my skin
I will know I[s]'ve oficially[/s] have lost you.

I liked the plot line and some of the imagary and emotional phrases were good but I have to agree with everyone else and say that it needs some work. Punctuation is the key to keep the good work bugs happy and also, try a different and new structure to liven it up a little.

I drifted a little after the second verse, and it lost some of my attention, so try to write it so that it keeps a tight hold of the readers attention and keeps them gripped till the last word.

I...kinda get it? At first impression I was understanding it but them it just sort of turned on me and I felt like there were too many words without meaning and in that, bluring what this poem was meant to do originally. I didn't really get it after a while.

I got lost somewhere around the middle stanza when you went from wait for tomorrow and switched to getting under someone's skin. I didn't know if your narrator liked this other person or wanted to hurt them...or was telling them that they couldn't hurt them. I was just confused. Try clearing that part up a bit and know that simplicity is the key. Focusing on one thing could do wonders in this poem. I'd really like to know what it's about.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

This poem doesn't strike me as something great because it's rambly, vague, and poorly punctuated. It seems like a stream of consciousness, just something that slipped out and wasn't edited. These emotions are the emotions of a million people, put into the words of a million people who like cliche Hallmark cards and American Idol winners--in other words, unoriginal. Is this poem about someone you know? Tell us about that person. Where is this happening? Why is tomorrow so important? Are there any ambiguities here? Is one person unsure of his/her feelings for the other? Is there an event that might change what's between them?

Keep working!
-Colleen

well, all i can manage to do (if its allowed :]) is to **ECHO** all the comments everyone here has posted. they all help you!!

~B aka Courtney aka JuSt ImAgInE (lol, i know that sounds weird, but loong story)

I think I shall just do this one line to line, my initial impression of the whole thing is a bit muddled...

I can't wait for tomorrow, [Not the most original introduction and the spelling error made me cringe to be honest.]
And neither can you [I don't like the presumption made here. Perhaps something like 'I'm sure you're excited too.' would sound better.]
You are never under my skin,
You know?
The way some people are,
I can't stop thinking.

Why can't I see into tomorrow?
[To be honest I'd scrap most of this stanza and start again.]

Trust in me.
Don't think that you can't harm me,
For when I'm the one that's under my skin
I know I've officially lost you.

Other than that, it's not bad but it does need to be expanded and it's rather vague but I don't have many suggestions to help with that. Good luck on any re-writes you do,

Heather xx

For so many words, I didn't catch a whole lot being said. The last two lines were drifting towards somthing interesting, but what leads up to them was a little ramble-y [especially the second stanza]. I think it'd be interesting if you elaborate on what it means to be under one's skin and how it affects both people discussed in the poem. I think you have a decent start, now see how you can make it evolve.

Punctuate, please? Poetry & Punctuation

Try writing the poem so that I can relate and feel what you feel. Also, write about an actual event. Sometimes you can write about a feeling and get away with it, but I've found that writing about an event/scene where the emotion is taking place works a lot better when you are new to poetry.