GUARDIAN OF HEAVEN
By: Greg Pierce/YoshiArmada/Bob
CHAPTER 1
in the deep night a man is seen walking through the forest.
“I love the nights like this when nothing bad happens at all.” The man says.
“You are wrong Shard because something is about to happen to you Mwahahahahahaha.” Says a shadow.
This shadow moves from the tree it sat upon and revealed it’s self to be the demon Kirachi.
“I have waited such a long time for you to come through this way. You must be having a hard time trying to find the moon child.”
A strong wind blows the leaves around Shard and makes a vortex.
Shard begins to control this vortex and completely surrounds himself with it.
“Well I knew you would be here so I took my time.” Shard begins to say this and then is attacked by Kirachi.
“You will regret what you just said.” Kirachi turns his body into a fire spirit.
“Hey it happens.” Shards wavy green hair begins to sway into the wind he controls.
Kirachi and Shard have a long fight ending with Kirachi disappearing into the spirit world.
“I guess he was wrong.” Shard continues to walk down the path he was before the fight with Kirachi.
“I thought I would have to use my sword that time but that would have wasted my energy.” Shard takes out his cell phone and calls Lance one of the other guardians.
“Hey Lance it looks like I am on the right path.”
Lance begins talking when a bomb goes off right behind him. “It looks like I have a little trouble on my hands send me the quadrants and I will be there when I am done taking out these demons.” “Ok then call Maria when you are done to.”Shard says. “Ok then bye
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Things like "Mwahahahahahaha" aren't generally used in a story that isn't intended for satire because they're often too... immature. There are other ways of describing a cackling laugh that will be much more chilling than repeating "Mwaha" over and over.
Other than that, expand. Tell how the vortex is controlled. Give life to the story's world. Not only what the character does, but how he does helps characterize immensely.
Huh. Interesting how you used present tense throughout, and I didn't even notice it.
Listen to Snoink and Rei. More details in this piece. Try to visualize exactly what this scene looks like. Ask yourself questions about how things look as you write. Describe things such as facial expressions, body language, the weather, the setting and surroundings, any noises or sensation the characters feel or hear. You don't need all of that necessarily, but your characters have senses too.
And please, please, please don't say 'Mwahahaha' in dialogue. It makes it sound comical.
Happy writing!
Ok...
It's pretty good, Greg.
You have lots of grammar errors. *shudders*
Sorry..
I guess I kinda caught my attention, but compared to how the prologue sounded, it was a kinda disappointing. It's a little confusing. You jump right into the story. I think you should explain a little more. The characters also lack emotion.
Good luck!
~Timea
Hmm... this reminds me of a video game plot I made up! Or... at least made a comic of. *suddenly grows red*
Also... it's not it's self, it's itself. A very common mistake, and it took me a second reading to find that.
Okay!
Follow Rei's instructions and you will be one happy dude.
The dialogue is interesting. What I would suggest you go for now is more description. You see (and this is what makes me really weird) I don't consider dialogue to be just the words spoken by the characters. I consider dialogue to be the words spoken by the characters, plus the descriptions of how they say it. So what kind of emotions are on his face?
Also, and I'm not sure why, but the paragraphing seems weird. Now, I've seen YWS do this to other stories, so I think this might be the forum's fault, but there are much too many paragraphs in the story. For example, these sentences could easily be one paragraph:
Paragraphing is an art, but whenever the same subject is there, it is one paragraph.
Also, and this is still a sketchy topic in the grammar world, chat lingo is usually not allowed in the written world. Mwhahahaha would be considered a chat word. To keep away from the chat lingo, you can say something like "Evil laughter rang from the shadow."
Good luck! ^__________^
That was much too rushed. As soon as the battle began, it was over.
Is that a complete chapter?
If it is, there is no reason you shouldnt add more dialogue, or descriptions.
Good start!
I think you need to describe everything a lot more than what you have. Nice work anyway, try reading more books, it helps
And if you're planning on writing stuff like this about scary demons read books that are like that: E.g. Darren Shan's books. It can really help you.
Intresting at first i thought it was like Medevil our suthin then that bit near the end lol lol
I agree with Reichieru. Grammar needs some work and you don't have enough details in the chapter. Can't wait to read more.
*shakes head* Grammar. "I like nights like this." The man said. is wrong. You should have a comma instead of a period, and "The" does not need to be capitalized, so it'll look like this:
"I like nights like this," the man said.
It works in your prologue when you don't give the man a name, but now, you really should give his name right from the beginning of the chapter. The level of detail in narration you had in the prologue should also be used here. It's a good skeleton, but is lacking in the details, visual and informational, that I would want to see.