Jyva

sorry for the extremely late response - i was on vacation and forgot about this until someone asked for a review in my thread and i looked. anyway. >No one ...

focus on world building and dialogue. gotcha. >Ansgar’s bark sandals, slapped on the sand covered stone street as he ran between the colorful trading huts and merchant stalls, where townspeople ...

>Something old from my iPod. Please roast it. you've got errors everywhere. broken grammar, boring dialogue, every sentence is on a new line for some reason. there's only two characters, ...

>Sometimes, I sleep like a baby. I pass out at eight o’clock, don’t wake up until seven the next morning, and feel great when I wake up. Those nights are ...

>"Here, c'mon up." I opened my eyes to see the red haired girl holding out a hand to me. too jarring, doesn't feel like there's any significance to what's happening ...

i feel like... you need to read a book. i know that is a very offensive thing to say, but... your format's all wrong. you use italics for dialogue and ...

what's with the [CK]s? >One was a witch named Tiko. Tiko was a 14 year old boy, isn't "witch" a word for female wizards >living with his mom, aunt and ...

1. many grammar/spelling mistakes, especially with capital letters on names and... everything on dialogue. speaking of which: 2. dialogue is cliched. 3. some sentences run on for far too long. ...

dang, this was alright. could only spot one or two little grammar errors. one small hitch i found was the flow of the story. you had a few clunky sentences. ...

this is short enough for a full rewrite lol "Where's Tarrah?" "What do you mean?" "She's gone. I haven't seen her in four days, and her family hasn't seen her ...

i hope that putting their abilities in brackets like this >[Lesser heal] is because they're in a game or something, not a "real life" situation... even then, yeesh. i wouldn't ...

you said to rip it apart but i just can't right now sorry ahaha 1. some minor grammar and spelling errors. if you feel like cleaning this thing up, that's ...

>If any of the Stasi was in the eyesight of Anton, they would've laughed at his poor attempt at acting casual. you mean... "if any of the Stasi could see ...

i wouldn't listen to that other guy he's talking nonsense. one thing i want to commend you on is the nice 7-5-8-4-9 syllable pattern thing you have goin' on. maaaaybe ...

nice! a very well done prologue - i could find only a few areas for improvement here. you utilized figurative language well, didn't use "I" too much. reading this felt ...