She's going to kill me. She's going to kill me. She's going to-
"Here, c'mon up." I opened my eyes to see the red haired girl holding out a hand to me.
"Please don't run away this time." Looking past the red haired girl to the speaker, I saw two others leaning against the alley's brick wall- a smaller girl with black hair framing a pale face and a tall boy with a shock of hair that was unmistakably white. The boy, who had spoken, locked eyes with me. The smaller girl looked away. Looking back at the one who had tackled me, the red haired girl, I gave a quizzical expression- why, and she smiled.
"Welcome to the group.”
…
It's just a three bedroom apartment.
I looked around at a surprisingly normal apartment.
"Where are we?" I knew our location, they hadn't blindfolded me or anything on the walk over, so I knew the street address, but where were they taking me? A cell? I thought of how easily the red haired girl had chased and tackled me. I couldn’t run away, she- they- would catch me. There’s no way I could escape now. I glanced over at the black haired girl, who was perching on a shelf in the corner. She looked like a black bird, stately and cold. The girl seemed to lack interest in me, and I wasn't hearing any answer to my question from over there, so I decided to focus my attention on the other two.
The red haired girl and the white haired boy were engaged in hushed conversation across the room, and I couldn't hear what they were saying. However, the girl's serious expression disappeared when she started laughing loud enough for me to hear. The boy was clearly trying to remain serious, but soon a bright smile had crossed his face as well. He was given a pat on the shoulder by the red haired girl, who promptly left the room. They seemed pretty happy. For a moment, I was a little distracted. They seemed- well, nice. Until the boy started coming over my way.
…
"You can sit down."
The boy waved behind me to a particularly ugly beige floral couch. Almost as if reading my mind, he added, "I know it's not the best, but we can only really afford thrift shop stuff due to the cost of the apartment." Feeling quizzical at this odd- well, whatever this was, I sat down on the couch and sank into it, immediately loosing a puffy cloud of dust. Thrift shop indeed.
Sitting down in a chair across from me, he smiled.
"Lighten up, will you?" His eyes were truthful, and I guess I wanted to believe him, that they weren’t going to hurt me, but still. They had kidnapped me. How could I trust them?
"You three are some weird kidnappers." I guess I wasn't really thinking about the words as they came out of my mouth, but they had to be said at some point. He looked a little confused for a second, before quickly recovering.
"We're not kidnappers." He said plainly, matter of factly. As if it was true. ”My name is Conrad."
"Summer." I mumbled.
“Summer. It's important that you stay here for a while."
"What?" I was astonished. They had just kidnapped me, and he was acting like I had a choice. "Why would I stay here?" With people I don't even know in an apartment I've never even been to, I added in my head.
He looked at me seriously before stating, "because here Scarlet and I can protect you." Why would I need protecting? You’re the ones that I need protection from. That hitting me like a shockwave, I tried my best to act cool and bounce back.
"Scarlet is the..."
"Red haired girl, yes. The one of us that you met first.” Conrad gave a single nod of affirmation.
"And her name is..."
"Scarlet, yes." Another nod. "I wouldn't bring it up. She's usually a cheerful person, but this is a bit of a sour subject." I found myself nodding. That made sense. How cliché, to name a red haired girl Scarlet. I would be sour about it too.
"So why do I need protection?" I had to ask.
He sighed. "WS United is after you. Like the rest of us.” WS United. Aren't they the ones who were on the news last week for buying Kellogs? Now why would they-
"Why would they be after you, Summer? It's because they think you’re the East.” There was that thing again. It was like he was reading my mind. “They either want it to be theirs or they don't want it to be anything." Before I could ask what the heck he was talking about (And what he meant by East), I could hear stressed, heavy breathing in the corner.
…
I had completely forgotten that the black haired girl was sitting in the corner. Looking over, I could see her cheeks flushed, and her eyes clamped shut. She was breathing heavily. Frankly, she looked sick.
Conrad gave me an apologetic look. "Don't go anywhere." he breathed, almost a whisper. Turning to the younger girl, he reached a hand out. "Let's go outside and get some fresh air. How does that sound?" She gave a tight nod and, taking his hand, let him slowly lead her out the door. This was the weirdest kidnapping ever.
Sitting on the couch without my conversation with Conrad to distract me, I could feel my stomach grumbling. My hunger would be the death of me- I hadn't had breakfast in the morning.
"Owww! Hot hot hot hot!" a voice shouted in the other room. I jumped, causing a protestant puff of dust from the couch. A minute later, the red haired girl- Scarlet?- emerged from the other room carrying two mugs- and sporting a very wet apron.
"Hiya." she said, holding out a mug to me. I took it gingerly and began to peer suspiciously at the contents. "I'm Scarlet, but Conrad probably told you that. However if he didn't, I'm Scarlet."
"Summer."
She took a sip from the mug in her hand. "Oh!" She shouted and I nearly dropped my mug."It's hot."
"What is it?" I asked tentatively, sniffing the contents of the mug. It smelled delicious. Then again, at that point, anything would have smelled delicious.
"Wild mushroom soup. My old family recipe. I had some for the others too, but- the amount that got in the mugs and the amount that got on me..." She shot me an embarrassed smile and gestured to her soggy apron. "About fifty- fifty." I gave a small laugh, the first since I had arrived. "Besides," Scarlet continued, looking around, "they aren't even here- for some reason." Her eyes stopped at the window and realization dawned on her face. "Did she-" I nodded. "And then he-" I continued to nod. "Ah, well." she returned to her soup. "It happens sometimes."
Finishing her soup quickly, she smiled again. "I should clean up." She started back towards the other room. "I'll be back in just a minute." I considered running away, but I remembered Conrad and the black haired girl. They could be gone. Or, they could be right outside. I didn’t want to do anything to make them angry. I was waiting contently with my soup when I heard the distinct sounds of shouting outside.
…
"You need to stop acting like this. You treat me like a little kid."
"I have to protect you. And I have to protect her too." Conrad's voice. Then was the other voice... The black haired girl hadn't said a word since I had first seen her. Could that be her shouting at Conrad? “You just had another attack. It’s my job to keep you safe.”
"If you want to protect her, stop giving her half information and just explain the situation to her."
"What if she's taken? I don't want what she knows to hurt her. They could torture the information out of her. I have to plan for every possible contingency. I’m the oldest, the one the blame will fall on, and the one that will feel the pain. Even if we don’t really know her yet-”
"What she doesn't know will hurt her even more!" The voice I assumed to be the black haired girl's sounded exasperated, like she had been saying the same things for a long time. "It hurts everyone."
Conrad paused without saying anything. He spoke again, and his voice sounded hurt. "You know I wouldn't let anything hurt you."
"If you want to help me, let me work. Let me be independent." Her voice was sounding angrier and angrier.
"You could get hurt."
"Stop trying to protect me, Connie. I know what I'm doing. I'm a teenager now. I can take care of myself."
Conrad attempted words. "Ra-"
“That’s not my name anymore. Don’t call me that.” Her voice was dark. "Ever. I'm going inside."
And like that it was over.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Four- Chapter twoPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
I like the first paragraph you used. "She's going to kill me. She's going to kill me. She's going to-" is a real attention grabber. I would've liked to see more interaction and have some parts of this chapter be less choppy, though. The "..." parts kinda threw me off for parts of the story.
>"Here, c'mon up." I opened my eyes to see the red haired girl holding out a hand to me.
too jarring, doesn't feel like there's any significance to what's happening in this sentence. it's too casual, y'know? i'd say describe the main character's eyes opening more slowly, have his vision slowly focus into the girl's face, and then have her say her dialogue. reader feels more like he's seeing the world from the main character's point of view that way.
>"Please don't run away this time." Looking past the red haired girl to the speaker, I saw two others leaning against the alley's brick wall- a smaller girl with black hair framing a pale face and a tall boy with a shock of hair that was unmistakably white.
that sentence is just a mess. i assume our character's just woken up or got hit or something similar, right? they'd be a little too disoriented to be seeing any kind of details besides the fact that there's two other people behind the one right in front of him. he'd be focused on the red-head. ignoring that, it's just too long and has too much description in it.
>The boy, who had spoken, locked eyes with me. The smaller girl looked away. Looking back at the one who had tackled me, the red haired girl, I gave a quizzical expression- why, and she smiled.
going off the disoriented thing, these character wouldn't notice these actions. he'd certainly be keeping his eyes on the person in front of him.
also: the boy. the smaller girl. the red haired girl. try not to use that too much. it gets repetitive and gross real fast.
>It's just a three bedroom apartment.
>I looked around at a surprisingly normal apartment.
these two can just be fused into one sentence.
>"Where are we?" I knew our location, they hadn't blindfolded me or anything on the walk over, so I knew the street address, but where were they taking me?
for the sake of realism, give us the street address. like
"so I knew the street address - 32 Willow Street - but where were they taking me?"
> "Where are we?" I knew our location, they hadn't blindfolded me or anything on the walk over, so I knew the street address, but where were they taking me? A cell? I thought of how easily the red haired girl had chased and tackled me. I couldn’t run away, she- they- would catch me. There’s no way I could escape now. I glanced over
1. nothing happens from the "where are we?" question. the kidnappers don't even acknowledge him saying it for like another two paragraphs. bit odd. i'd move it down to the bottom of this description when they do react, cause otherwise the reader has to backtrack.
2. there's six "I"s in that short passage. using "I" a lot is something you don't want to do when writing in first-person perspective. instead of saying things like "I saw the house across the road", say "There was a house across the road."
>at the black haired girl, who was perching on a shelf in the corner. She looked like a black bird, stately and cold. The girl seemed to lack interest in me, and I wasn't hearing any answer to my question from over there, so I decided to focus my attention on the other two.
i get that you're trying to convey this girl's character here, but it is way, way too obvious. tone it down a bit. these are characters, not caricatures. i made that line up just now. damn it is good. gonna remember it for the future.
>The red haired girl and the white haired boy were engaged in hushed conversation across the room, and I couldn't hear what they were saying.
there you go again saying "red haired girl" and "white haired boy". just say "other girl and the boy". or give some other descriptor besides their damned hair colour. also it's red-haired. not red haired. i think. it looks better as "red-haired" in my opinion. anyway.
>However, the girl's serious expression disappeared when she started laughing loud enough for me to hear. The boy was clearly trying to remain serious, but soon a bright smile had crossed his face as well. He was given a pat on the shoulder by the red haired girl, who promptly left the room. They seemed pretty happy. For a moment, I was a little distracted. They seemed- well, nice. Until the boy started coming over my way.
eh... too plain. you're just stating what's happening. i can't really describe how to fix it, just... this is too simple.
>"I know it's not the best, but we can only really afford thrift shop stuff due to the cost of the apartment."
rent. the word you're looking for is rent.
this sounds too formal for a... boy... to be saying. "'cause of the rent" would sound more casual and realistic
>"Lighten up, will you?" His eyes were truthful, and I guess I wanted to believe him, that they weren’t going to hurt me, but still. They had kidnapped me. How could I trust them?
that dialogue by itself is fine. the subsequent description is too much. in this case i'd just give the reader what the dude does and none of the main character's thoughts. just what the main character notices will be enough to tell us what they're thinking.
>"We're not kidnappers." He said plainly, matter of factly. As if it was true. ”My name is Conrad."
dialogue tagging errors! eugh, they're everywhere on this site. i should make a forum post about it. if the sentence continues past the dialogue, then use a comma. like
"I like raisins," James said.
if the dialogue ends a sentence, then you can use a full stop.
"Nobody cares." It was Josephine, walking in. James pouted at her and she grinned.
>I found myself nodding. That made sense. How cliché, to name a red haired girl Scarlet. I would be sour about it too.
acknowledging the issue doesn't make you innocent of it, my dude.
>I had completely forgotten that the black haired girl was sitting in the corner. Looking over, I could see her cheeks flushed, and her eyes clamped shut. She was breathing heavily. Frankly, she looked sick.
Conrad gave me an apologetic look. "Don't go anywhere." he breathed, almost a whisper. Turning to the younger girl, he reached a hand out. "Let's go outside and get some fresh air. How does that sound?" She gave a tight nod and, taking his hand, let him slowly lead her out the door. This was the weirdest kidnapping ever.
oh no the black-haired edge-chick has secret spooky powers. woooooo. i can feel the cliche inappropriately touching my body please make it stop
>"I have to protect you. And I have to protect her too." Conrad's voice. Then was the other voice... The black haired girl hadn't said a word since I had first seen her. Could that be her shouting at Conrad? “You just had another attack. It’s my job to keep you safe.”
aaaaahhhhhhhh it burnsss
>the rest of the dialogue
i think you should be vaguer i think i understood some of it
-Thank you so much for reviewing.. I certainly have to fix some of my grammar..
- Guess what! The black haired girl actually doesn't have super powers. This is a mislead. Score one me, you one thousand.
-I will have to read over some stuff. Thank you for your brutal honesty- I appreciate it!
gadzooks! i've been duped!
Hi ashlingwolf, here for a quick review!
So let's jump right in then, shall we? For starters, that first sentence really had me intrigued:
She's going to kill me. She's going to kill me. She's going to-
Not gonna lie, I was super hyped when I saw that line, but then as I read the rest of the intro I felt that excitement fade a bit. I thought an epic fight scene was going to happen, or something of the sort.
I have to say, Summer is unusually calm about getting kidnapped. I don't get the sense that she's actually afraid for her life, or even mildly surprised at her abduction. I'm not sure if that was your intention as an author, but if you wanted readers to think that Summer was in a dire situation, then I'm afraid that it didn't communicate well. To continue on this a bit more, I'll use this quote as an example:
He was given a pat on the shoulder by the red haired girl, who promptly left the room. They seemed pretty happy. For a moment, I was happy. Until the boy started coming over my way.
Why would Summer be happy? Does she not realize the potential danger that she's in? Remember to keep your characters' thoughts, feelings, and personality in mind at all times when you're writing. It will go a long way in terms of developing your characters and in writing scenes so that they feel more realistic.
In general, I found that your plot and your characters are interesting and have a lot of potential. Of course, this is only the first chapter, and I can't wait to see how this story goes. Keep up the great work and I'm sure this story will go far!
Ello!
I LOVED THIS!!!! Oh my gosh, your plot is amazing and I wanna know what happens next and I loved it so much!!!
Okay, I'm gonna get down to it otherwise I'll sit here rambling on forever.
So here goes:
Okay, so here I think that it needs to be 'hushed' rather than 'hush'.
Okay, so there is nothing wrong with this line, I just think that perhaps using 'ugly' twice sounds a little too coincidental. Perhaps use a synonym so that the same message is conveyed in a less duplicated way?
Just a quickie. I think that you meant 'had' ?
If it's not a new sentence then you don't need a capital for 'because'.
Other than those little things I could honestly not fault this piece! Your plot line is interesting, I adore your characters (especially Scarlet, she's my favorite so far!) I can't wait to see where this is going! You've left so much mystery within this chapter that I really don't know what's going to happen. Long story put short this was amazing! Please, please pleasseee let me know when you've posted the next chapters, I'd love to read them!
Thank you so much! I'm so sorry for the typos (This story is hand written, so sometimes typing it up gets tedious), but I am so grateful for the review, and I will notify you when the next chapter comes out.
Hi! Calliope here for a review. This sounds like it's going to be a very interesting story. Summer's kidnappers are what especially intrigued me. They sound as if they're all three very young, and I found myself wondering where their parents were, how they came to be together (because it doesn't sound as if they're siblings), and how they have been supporting themselves on their own well enough to own an apartment. I liked how you left questions like this unanswered and didn't go into an info dump like so many authors fall prey to doing in their first chapter (including myself, if I'm not careful). It built an air of mystery to your story and made me want to keep reading. I only noticed a few areas you could improve on.
These lines are a bit repetitive. Also, instead of telling the reader the apartment looks 'normal', show them. Not everyone's definition of normal is the same. Describe the apartment using the five senses (maybe not all five, but branch out beyond sight), and it will be easier for the reader to visualize.
When Scarlet left the room, why didn't Summer run away? Here she is sitting in a room unguarded by her kidnappers, and she didn't even try to escape! What I am getting at is you need to explain how Summer suddenly came to be so comfortable and trusting of these people. She doesn't seem scared throughout this whole first chapter. If that were me being kidnapped, I would be terrified. She doesn't seem concerned that her parents or other people might be missing her. My main nitpick is that this chapter would be much more effective if you showed Summer's thoughts and feelings every once in awhile.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. Please notify me when you post your second chapter; I'd love to keep reading. Hopefully you find this review helpful. Keep writing!
Thank you so much! I will certainly keep your responses in mind as I write, and I will definitely notify you when the second chapter goes up!