z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Berlin Fall [Part One]

by Codayy


If any of the Stasi was in the eyesight of Anton, they would've laughed at his poor attempt at acting casual. Luckily, the communist "secret" police were nowhere in the range of Anton's vision, but his little actions and posture to not get caught were counterproductive. He had one of his hands gripped on a cheap, plastic bag while slouching forward in order block the sight of what hid inside. The young man faced one of many doors that stretched along [endlessly] that became an excellent place for anybody wanting an apartment to live in.

Anton fisted up his knuckles and had them thumping against the wooden door. He pounded in code with two fast knocks followed by another one after a brief pause. He repeated this process for a few seconds without a response. He expressed his impatience with a heavy sigh. The rain had just passed and the sun glared brightly upon Anton's back. The humidity and the negligence from his partner Kai left him anxious.

He tried knocking in code another time and waited. Anton started gently tapping his toes as a mindless activity until he heard the doorknob begin to revolve ever so slowly. The door pulled away a small distance with it causing a harsh, high-pitched sound.

"Why do you keep doing that, Kai?" Anton laughed. "We're on the twelfth floor. I highly doubt that will do any good even if you do get caught. The most dangerous person is your sister and you’d let her in if she came."

The door swung back and the sound made both of them cringe. It was indeed Kai, wearing his casual attire. The t-shirt with small holes, the cap, and faded blue jeans wasn't anything special in attire, but it was signature to him. Kai scratched his short, blonde hair sheepishly as a response. "Just get inside," Kai instructed. He took a pace to the left so Anton could walk forward. "We can discuss more in here."

Anton obliged. He entered and kicked his shoes off so he could get comfy. The two would be talking for a while. This wasn't Anton's first visit in Kai's apartment, but he hasn't got used to the residence. While it wasn't dirty or even messy, it was incommodious. The things needed for the apartment took up the majority of the room. Many different sizes of papers were stacked nearby the walls in an orderly fashion, while there was a desk that haddifferent writing utensils and measuring tools, and a sewing machine placed upon it.

"Throw me the taffeta," Kai ordered. Anton plopped upon one of the two couches in the apartment, let his body relax, and chucked the bag across the room using the handles. The toss was a slightly high, so Kai fumbled along clumsily along with the bag until he had a firm grip. Anton chuckled while Kai grumbled and settled onto the other couch.

The blonde dropped the bag lightly, removing the plastic wrap around the taffeta. Kai had his hand gripped on the material, and yanked his arm upward revealing only some square yards of maroon, lustrous silk. The fabric bounced up and down creating a diverse amount of unique ridges that glistened with the light.

Kai frowned, inspecting the four corners. "Was zur Hölle?" Kai mumbled. He turned his face towards Anton. "You only bought this much silk?"

"I got to be more cautious," Anton shrugged. "It's not like security won't tighten up after what Gunter Wetzel and Peter Strelzyk pulled off. I got to make sure my reasons to buy this stuff that makes sense."

Kai sighed knowing that he wasn't wrong. What Gunter and Peter pulled off were ones the craftiest escapes across the Berlin wall so far, and Anton and Kai planned to copy it. Constructing and flying a hot air balloon across the Berlin Wall was something the two were capable of doing. They replicated the process on how to build the balloon, the correct amount of needed materials, and the execution of the liftoff itself. The duo agreed that Kai would construct the balloon while Anton bought the objects.

Unfortunately, copying one of the greatest escapes had its setbacks. The major one is that the security for taffeta, the fabric Kai and Anton decided to use for the hot air balloon, had stiffened up. While it wasn't impossible, the reasons had to be better and the amount bought had to be smaller.

"Look," Kai started, trying to piece together the right words. "I chose you to be an accomplice for a reason, Anton. My personality and yours go hand-and-hand. I work, you talk. I do all the construction while you do the sweet talking. Despite our differences, we both have the same goal: to escape across this wall. However, that dream cannot happen unless you step it up."

"I can't-" Anton started, but was quickly cut off.

"I know you have to gather all this stuff wisely," Kai continued, "but I have faith in you, Anton. I've known you for too long and understand what you can do. So I ask for you to reach your full potential."

At first, there was no response from the brown, ivy league cut haired young man. His eyes wandered towards the ground, and pieced together what his childhood friend said. Then his eyes twinkled and Anton grinned. "You know for being a direct prick, you sometimes know the perfect thing to say."

"Shut up," Kai weakly said. Kai shifted his hat downwards to conceal his eyes, but his mouth shifted a to form a hint of a smile that faded quickly. Anton recognized that he was actually bashful and not annoyed, so he relented. He knew that compliments made Kai more unconformable than any of Anton's teasing.

***

After the meeting, the two got their priorities straight. They only had a few days to complete the construction of the balloon because Kai and Anton started to run out of days to call off work. If Kai and Anton missed the deadline, they would have to wait in distress for another month. Kai listed all the supplies needed (which were many), and Anton scribbled down every important word mouthed by his friend.

The day after the meeting was busy for Anton. There weren't too many places in their area that just happened to sell taffeta. The problem was he previously bought silk from all the stores that he could go to. To meet all of Kai's demands, Anton had to make the employees of each store a bunch of fools. Before he went out his home, Anton pondered on the various options to fool the cashiers until he thought of something simple but effective.

Anton drove to the nearest store first. A few workers greeted him, and the young man genuinely smiled back. He got as much taffeta as he could that would not cause too much alarm and bought it without any trouble. The second store was a little harder. He got about the same amount as the last store and set all of it down on the cashier's desk.

"Didn't you buy some of this stuff last week?," the cashier asked with some suspicion. "We had to restock just from you bought alone."

"Well," Anton started. "I got some taffeta here last time, and it ripped. I decided to get more of it than I need just in case it rips again. Knowing me, I probably will."

The cashier laughed and his suspicion washed away. They waved off giving Anton a sigh of relief. He went to other stores in nearby cities and got his required amount of taffeta. The sun began to set as he arrived back to Kai's apartment. Anton was empty-handed at the time but still knocked. Kai opened the door (completely) and saw how Anton had nothing.

"Did you do anything today?" Kai asked. His fluster created trouble for form another sentence.

"No need to worry," Anton reassured putting his hands into the pocket of his jeans. "I would like some help getting all of it, though."

"You could have just-" Kai began but stopped himself. "Whatever."

Kai didn't understand why Anton couldn't have brought the silk himself, but decided to go along with Anton's logic. They only had some small talk down the stairs because Anton was uncharacteristically quiet, and Kai was always reserved. The two reached the bottom of the steps and when Kai saw Anton's car, his eyespopped.

"Christ," Kai said in disbelief. The interior of the car was filled with bags. He guessed that were about twenty. He cursed under his own breath. "I still don't understand why you couldn't have carried a couple," the blonde commented.

"That would ruin the surprise," Anton answered.

***

They decided it would be a smart to switch cars for the day. That way Kai can transport everything Anton collected into intervals. This would erase any kind of belief that the two are doing anything illegal. They counted everything before Anton left, however, and learned that he accidentally exceeded the wanted quantity. Kai collected a few engine parts through work, so this meant that the two had everything they needed.

After the meeting discussing escape plans, they had a three days left. Two to finish construction and the third day to lift off. Kai did have a deadline that needed to met quickly, but he didn't have much left to complete. While Anton was out shopping, Kai had a secret base outside of his apartment. For a few months, Kai drove out into a fairly deserted place to tinker with the balloon. This included having pieces of taffeta sewn together into one huge envelope.Within that time, he made sure that the structure was built, the parts were properly working, and his calculations were correct.

Kai only needed those two days to perform the task, but he needed some help. It wasn't a complicated job, but he still had to manage a lot of silk. During the meeting, Anton told Kai that he had no plans until launch day, so the odds worked with them.

Anton rode with Kai the first day they set up the silk. Anton never learned where Kai drove off to until that day. It took about thirty minutes (driving away of Berlin took up the majority of the time)until they reached large yard and a deserted, broken home.

"Look at this florid house you got there," Anton sarcastically remarked.

"More like horrid," Kai shot back.

They got out of the car, and Kai gave Anton a brief tour of the house. It was a messier and more beat-up version of Kai's apartment. They didn't need to know about this house ever again if they flew across the Berlin wall. They got as much taffeta as possible, but it was impossible to get all of it. All the silk was sewn together, so the Anton and Kai had to drag everything. It was more of an annoyance than anything, but they eventually got everything outside the house and nearby the balloon.

They got few more things out of the house to elevate themselves when covering the balloon. The task included a little micro-management and communication, but the tedious job was finished in a half of an hour. Kai insisted that Anton should be his lackey until the sun sets to help make finishing construction a little bit faster. Anton hesitated because he wanted to go home, but obliged.

After some time, night fell, and they called it day's work.

"So this is the place we're lifting off at?" Anton rhetorically asked.

"Yeah," Kai sighed.

"Don't you find it sort of improper that this our last place before we leave?"

Kai looked around looking at the starry night sky. There were no lights, no commotion, and no people. Only the trees and wildlife surrounded them. It felt empty and unsettling even though the view beautiful because of how different it was from East Berlin. He frowned. "Yeah..."

***

Even though the two had everything needed the next morning, they didn't feel ready. Anton arrived at Kai's apartment around 7 A.M. Kai opened the door to see Anton  glancing down, biting off a fingernail, and tapping his foot as fast an gatling. Kai wasn't much better. Anton spotted that he remained in his clothes from last night, and his trembling hand gripped a coffee cup.

"Ready?" Kai asked. The question sounded soulless and uneasy.

Anton raised a brow. They still had time to make last-second preparations, and Anton hardly settled into the residence. Anton tried to calm himself on one of the couches while Kai continued to stand. "Not really," Anton answered sincerely. "Why don't we just try to have some closure here first, Kai? It could help get us calm and clear our mind for bigger things."

Kai let the cup reach his lips and tilted it hard. The liquid went down fast with his throat chugging like an engine, After an awkward few seconds, Kai's lips released the cup, as he exerted a carefree aaah sound. He just downed the remaining half of the glass.

"Now that I'm with done that," Kai said, having a little jitter in his voice, "I don't think I can be calm."

Anton smirked. He wasn't going to let Kai crash in this apartment.


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Sun Oct 03, 2021 11:37 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Codayy,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I happened to come across a story about the Berlin Wall here and thought I might as well review it. So, I liked the story and how you built the setting.

I like that you get to know more about the characters Kai and Anton interactively, rather than in a textbook kind of story. The structure of it gives enough information to understand and see how the two friends come together and work out their weaknesses.

From your information about Strelyzk, you can also get some idea of when exactly the story takes place, which is sometime in the 1980s, the last decade of the GDR. I think you manage to describe and execute the plan of escape very well, and unlike many films about East Germany, I also like the build-up you get here, that there is nothing extravagant, but more this personal maturity of the characters.

However, I also found that I couldn't really find the tension. The threat that is here is somehow not there. You don't feel the fear or insecurity of Anton. There is a little bit missing in the context of this "building of the communist-socialist regime" to create a better overview for the reader. Especially for younger readers who don't know exactly what the GDR was and what cruelty prevailed there, they don't understand this background of fleeing East Berlin.

Other points I noticed while reading:

plastic bag while slouching forward in order block the sight of what hid inside.

Here a "to" is missing between "in order" and "block".

"Didn't you buy some of this stuff last week?," t

Here, one of the signs is too many. Either the question mark or the comma. :D
I don't know if this is allowed, and this is just speculation, but I'm assuming it's the same person, just with a different name to avoid reviewing.


Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Sun Oct 30, 2016 1:38 am
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Dracula wrote a review...



Haaaayy, Codaaaayy. :D I'm here to review on behalf of Team Teamy.

If any of the Stasi was in the eyesight of Anton, they would've laughed at his poor attempt at acting casual. Luckily, the communist "secret" police were nowhere in the range of Anton's vision, but his little actions and posture to not get caught were counterproductive.
Though I love history, I didn't know what the Stasi were. Hence you can imagine that I found the situation slightly confusing, BUT you explained it in the next sentence, and in a very subtle way as well. Good job. You didn't turn it into a school lesson, but you kept the steady flow and answered my question.

The door pulled away a small distance with it causing a harsh, high-pitched sound.
The flow I mentioned before is destroyed in this sentence. 'With it' just isn't necessary, and I suggest removing it so the text reads: The door pulled away a small distance, causing a harsh, high-pitched sound.

"I know you have to gather all this stuff wisely," Kai continued, "but I have faith in you, Anton. I've known you for too long and understand what you can do. So I ask for you to reach your full potential."
This whole scene was really touching, especially Anton's sassy response. Their relationship is evident and you've done a good job writing it.

They decided it would be a smart to switch cars for the day. That way Kai can transport everything Anton collected into intervals. This would erase any kind of belief that the two are doing anything illegal.
Couple things here. You don't need that 'a' before 'smart'. In the last sentence, you're writing in past tense, so really it should say 'the two were' instead of 'the two are'.

The liquid went down fast with his throat chugging like an engine
I really like that simile! You should definitely include more in the story, they're a great touch.

That's all I can think to point out! I enjoyed reading this, your plot is very interesting. I would just focus on keeping the sentences flowing nicely.




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Sun Oct 30, 2016 1:07 am
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Jyva wrote a review...



>If any of the Stasi was in the eyesight of Anton, they would've laughed at his poor attempt at acting casual.

you mean... "if any of the Stasi could see Anton"?


ahh forget it i can't be bothered with a line-by-line editing. your story is... however long it is. i dunno. looks like 800 words-ish, three scenes. is this gonna be a novel? i'll assume it is. you've got some work to do. not much exciting in the story has happened yet, and if the reader doesn't have something to draw their interest and keep reading the book by the first page, they're likely to just stop. i don't know how the story's gonna go - who knows, maybe something here will be relevant later, but as it is, there isn't really any plot showing. give us some of the setting, at least. let us get a feel for some of the danger they're about to go through.

second big thing is the large amount of 'telling' that's going on. let's look at a paragraph.

>Anton fisted up his knuckles and had them thumping against the wooden door. He pounded in code with two fast knocks followed by another one after a brief pause. He repeated this process for a few seconds without a response. He expressed his impatience with a heavy sigh. The rain had just passed and the sun glared brightly upon Anton's back. The humidity and the negligence from his partner Kai left him anxious.

just wanna focus on the last bit. you don't need to say that Anton's expressing his impatience by sighing. the reader can figure that out for themselves from the context here. it's redundant, just like this sentence.
"the humidity and the negligence from his partner Kai left him anxious." ohhhh geeeez. you have to show these things from the character's actions. plainly stating it like this is... euuugh.





"It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small."
— Neil Armstrong