z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language Violence

The Alpha's Queen. (Please Do Help Me Improve My Story!)

by Charmxoxo


Prologue

"Ring-a-ring 'o roses."

A small gap that is dividing his world and mine.

"A pocket full of posies."

Where an Imaginary wall was built that prevent us to unite.

At-choo/At-choo

But when the time has arrive.

"We all fall down."

That imaginary wall will break into ashes, and the peace will outstand in the heart of the forest, and follow what's our heart's desire."Alisha, don't worry you'll always be my mate." 

"He assured me, while squeezing my hand.

|Someday, When I got ready to be the Alpha of our pack, I'll talk to Alpha Anton and asked him if we can all just live in peace."

He then hugged me so tight while we're sharing our sobs.

"Pinky swear?" 

I asked and pointed out my pinky finger to his.

"Yeah, pinky swear." 

Then we both made our promises.

"Bye-bye for now Liam."

I said, and smiled bitterly.

"We'll going to see each other soon, just wait."

He assured, and waved at me.

And that's the last memory I had with Liam.

-----

"Woah, chill down Lish, you're too excited. "

She said, and starts to help me clean messed up bed.

Well, It's just our best friend will going to be an Alpha, nothing special.

I said sarcastically. And start to search for a nice dress.

"How can you forget that alisha?!" 

My inner Wolf shouted at me.

I'm sorry! It's just I'm tired yesterday and I really need rest.

"Tss, k fine."

she hissed.

"Well, what dress should I wear?"

I asked myself, then start to browse my wardrobe.

Nope, not this black dress, It's like I'm going on a funeral.

not this yellow one, too light.

then I saw a red dress that Marco gave me a year ago.

-flashback-

"This one's perfect for you, Alisha. this really suits you well."

Marco said then handed me the red dress he bought at a luxurious mall near our pack.

"thank you, Marco! I really love it."

I replied, then took the dress.

"Hope you'll going to use it, like in special events."

he said while looking at me with  puppy eyes.

"Uhhm, on where?"

I replied with a curious tone.

"Ugh. never mind."

he hissed then started the car engine.

-flashback end-

"So, that's what he means?"

I smirked, then looked at the dressed he bought for me.

I took the dress out of the closet and looked at it closely.

It's shade is like the perfect red one, that matches my pale skin color. It has a big bow in front of it, and also the texture of the fabric isn't that rough nor smooth.

Perfect.

I muttered then started to get ready.

After I finished fixing myself, I immediately headed downstairs, and there I saw Tristan who'll going to be my date at the event, and Payton whose with his mate Josh.

"You're so gorgeous, Alisha."

Tristan complimented me, then grab my hand, and kissed it.

"Aw, so sweet of you Tristan, hope you together are really forever!"

Payton giggled, while pinching his mate's arms.

"Payton, stop! You're acting too childish, for the hell's sake, you're already 18!"

I hissed, then rolled my eyes on her.

"Never mind, so killjoy".

She hissed, then also rolled her eyes on me.

Well, we're not really fighting we're just always like that.

"So, y'all ready? The limousine's already outside."

Josh said, then pointed the limousine that will be our service, outside.

"Yeah."

I replied shortly, then headed at the limousine.

After a few minutes we're already in front of the pack house, where the party will be held.

Let's get the party started!

Payton yelled, then jumped out the limousine.

After we all got out at limo, we saw a different pack. It's really gorgeous.

At the Huge Gate, there are 15 securities, guarding the pack house.

Then as you enter the gate, a beautiful stairs will captivate your eyes.

Filled with rose petals, pink and red.

And then as you've already passed the heavenly looking staircase, a big wooden door that is the entrance, will welcome you.

"the aroma of the foods are already captivating my senses." Payton said then entered the packhouse.

"my god, can't see anything." I told to Tristan, then he grabbed my hand and guided me to our table.

"thanks, Tristan." I thanked Tristan and sit at my chair.

"no worries." he replied, then also grabbed a chair then sat beside me.

I smiled.

While we're watching some werewolf couple dancing at the center, I felt Tristan squeezed my hand under the table.

"I really want to be your mate." Tristan said while looking directly into my eyes.

"stop kidding."I hissed, then focus my attention on the couples dancing.

"I'm not joking, I really like you, infact, I feel that I lo-------"

"Midgets." someone shouted.


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Comments



User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 195
Reviews: 10

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Fri Nov 18, 2016 5:46 pm
TanyaStender wrote a review...



I think that is would be good if you made the story into sections, not a new line almost every time. maybe write the chapter and after reread it and make the necessary adjustments. your punctuation is not perfect and can use some work, but nobody is perfect. The advice I will give is to use WORD or other writing places which correct your gramma - I myself have learned a lot There is definitely potential in this story and the more you write, the better you get a hang of it. Keep up the good work! ;)




Charmxoxo says...


thanks for the advice! I'll do that. :D



User avatar
48 Reviews


Points: 7
Reviews: 48

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Fri Nov 18, 2016 2:31 pm
Jyva wrote a review...



i feel like... you need to read a book. i know that is a very offensive thing to say, but... your format's all wrong. you use italics for dialogue and then switch to speech marks, meaning you figured out how dialogue works but didn't want to go back and fix your errors. your grammar's all over the place. not every sentence has to be on a new line. and that's just the technical stuff. i haven't even started on the actual content of your writing yet.




Charmxoxo says...


thanks. :) I'll work on that. :)




This is a house of homes, a sacred place, by human passion made divinely sweet.
— Alfred Joyce Kilmer