z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

~I'll fix the title later~

by LetsDoThis23


"Where's Tarrah?" "What do you mean?" "She's gone.I haven't seen her in 4 days,and her family hasn't seen her in a week.Shes gone.She actually left.Or maybe...Something else happened."

________________________________________________________________________________

The story of a group of friends.Tragedy struck this group of friends with a lot of power.Its like Lightning when it hits water.This...This is just as bad.Possibly even worse.6 normal,teenage girls just wanting to have a uncomplicated life,don't get exactly what they wanted.Its no where near that.The unspeakable things they've gone through.The people they've trusted.The secrets they've told.All of that,would ruin their lives.They just didn't know it yet.Why don't you follow them and see how their stories play out?

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48 Reviews

Points: 7
Reviews: 48

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Sun Oct 30, 2016 1:34 am
Jyva wrote a review...



this is short enough for a full rewrite lol

"Where's Tarrah?"
"What do you mean?"
"She's gone. I haven't seen her in four days, and her family hasn't seen her in a week. She's gone, or... maybe something else happened."

-

This is the story of a small group of friends. Something bad happened to them, and they did bad things to other people. Follow them and see how their stories play out.




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95 Reviews

Points: 4906
Reviews: 95

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Sun Oct 30, 2016 1:33 am
Gymnast2801 wrote a review...



Hi there LetsDoThis, it's Gymnast2801 here with a review from The Black Cat Squad!
(Whew, that's a long intro!)


Woah there, very short! But hey, that's fine with me partly because I enjoy a short review every now and then, but also because I'm not quite sure what to list this as. Chapter? Too short. Short story? Too short again. Manuscript? No...I don't think so. I'm just not sure. But I see you have this under horror and general so we'll just keep it at that.

Okay, so this review might not be as short as I thought. That's okay :)
You really need to fix up your grammer, spelling, and typo issues as @ElizabethLovelace stated below. But I also think your should work on punctuation too.

First and for most, you need to a space between every period that ends a scentance and the first word in every one of your new sentences. That is my biggest issue with this work.

Now, once you've done that, please make a new paragraph whenever a new person speaks. So click return/enter/whatever you use after "Where's Terrah?" and then after "What do you mean?"

Now, let's get rather nit picky...
- Its like Lightning when it hits water. -
1) Add a comma to change 'Its' to 'It's'
2) 'Lightning' should not be capitalized because it isn't starting a new sentence, not the name of someone/something, and hold no authority.

- This...This is just as bad. -
Your second 'This' should not be capitalized because, as started above, it is not starting a new sentence, not the name of someone/something, and hold 0 authority.

I forgot to mention above, please add a space after every comma.

Overall, this work definitely need work and more length. More of a point/meaning, if you know what I mean. But I hope you can fix it up and turn it into something wonderful!
Keep on writing!
-Gymnast2801 for The Black Cat Squad
https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/im ... 60k129.jpg




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766 Reviews

Points: 650
Reviews: 766

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Fri Oct 28, 2016 2:19 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there @LetsDoThis23. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Well actually let's start with a quick welcome. Welcome to YWS!

One, wow there are so many grammar, spelling and typo issues here. I normally don't focus on these but it's such a big thing in your story and really needs worked on. I don't mean to be offensive or rude but you need to fix these things if you want anyone to read your story. I've put some example fixes in red below. I'm going sentence by sentence with these edits so just remain chill.

First Paragraph: Spaces Needed

"Where's Tarrah?"
"What do you mean?"
"She's gone.__I haven't seen her in 4 days,and her family hasn't seen her in a week.__Shes gone.__She actually left.__Or maybe...Something else happened."

1. Okay these edits were just to tell you that you needed to put some spaces wherever I used the underscores. There are lots of other things here that I need to go over so just hold on. I'm going to create another quote down here with the proper spaces. It's just to show you how to edit the first part, and will hopefully show you how to redo the second part.
2. New lines of dialogue also need to be put on new lines so they don't get all jumbled together.

First Paragraph: Sentences
"Where's Tarrah?"
"What do you mean?"
"She's gone. I haven't seen her in 4 days,and her family hasn't seen her in a week. Shes gone. She actually left. Or maybe...something else happened."

1. Okay you don't need to repeat "She's gone", it had enough of a dramatic effect the first time but the second time didn't really do anything for the story.
2. Get rid of the ellipsis, both in this spot and throughout the entire story. None of the spots and contexts they are used in, look like they should be used. Maybe a comma or a dash would go better for you. From what I know, ellipsis are pretty rare and usually aren't used 3 times in the space of two paragraphs.
3. I think a few of these need to be combined later on but these are okay. Just make a couple of edits and it should read pretty good.

Actual Story: Important, Lots of Comments, Please Pay Attention
1. There is nothing that really drew me into the story and made me want to know everything about it. This summary of the story sounds like a Hallmark movie or the base for one of those teen fiction 'I ran away because the world hates me books'. That's not what you should be aiming for in a summary even if that is in fact your book. They say you can't judge a book by its title but you can judge it by its summary. Yours tells me nothing interesting about it.
2. And then you have some sort of mix between opening line and summary. That just confused me as to why you would split them up. I really think they would go better next to each other rather than 5 shifts away and separated by a line. That's just my style of writing these things, go with whatever you think is best or what the next reviewer comes along and says.
3. Don't Use They and The to start every single sentence. You need to have some variety here other than just changing between 'they' and 'the'. That's not variety, that's killing your story by making it so repetitive.
4. Some parts are written like dialogue, other like thoughts, and some I just don't even know. It's like every sentence you are switching the point of view and speaker but there is no clue to who is talking. I don't really like dialogue tags but you at least need to identify the group of friends before you go any further with their conversation.
5. It would also be nice if the missing girl had a name.

Well that's really about all I had for this review. Please apply the edits shown in my examples up there to the rest of your story. That should help you on your way to making it a bit better and easier to read through.
If you want help for the entire course of the novel, I would recommend going to one of the many clubs including Story Interviews, just to get a feel for your story and make sure everything is right. If you end up at Story Interviews just say Lizz sent you.

Anyways, have a nice day.
Happy Halloween!





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