Incandescence

OverEasy, You've taken fairly grey characters (I think we all know them--most of us have been them at one time or another) and presented them in grey circumstances very greyly. ...

JustMe., This is as bad as anything. Each stanza repeats the theme without developing it. The padding to preserve rhyme and meter seems forced in almost every instance. For future ...

Vampy_Girl15, --and? If you were hoping somebody would care how alone you are, this certainly didn't do anything to pique their interest. The speaker seems to be socially challenged (I ...

Blue Fairy, What you can do is toss this in the nearest trash can. There is nothing worth salvaging. What you do have here is fundamentally cliché. You start with ...

revolver-x, Yes, it's horrible. It's horrible in both concept and execution. The idea of describing "lust" by using Webster's Dictionary is so convincing as a serious poetic attempt it almost ...

elephantwalrus, Ignoring the at times stilted rhyme scheme and moderately clichéd concept, you seem to have transcended a host of other new poets here and employed the use of an ...

oneeyedunicornhunter, Judging from the revision, I'd be frightened to see what you had before. The truth is you can't write poetry in ten minutes, and this is an excellent example ...

OblivionShadow, This is hopeless doggerel. Is there an ounce of poetry employed in this piece? You hit an 'Enter' key, but aside from that, I'm left to wonder what you ...

Felicity_92, I admire your ambition in trying poetry, which is a pretty difficult form. In its execution this is at least okay, without too many metric disturbances, but beyond that--I ...

PA-- Consider: But then I forget whether you were left handed or right. moved to the end of the poem. At a minimum, cut S2; for the rest, consider: I ...

abbie20, Strictly speaking, "that" is reserved for objects, while "who" is used for people. Thus your title should be "Is a poem to my sister who passed away." As for ...

kinzygirl223, The first ten lines are a list of things such-and-such did, and reads roughly as poetic as a shopping list. The other four lines are so contrived the only ...

sezPez, Two-word lines don't confer an edgy, poetic feel to your poem. They seem sporadic, machine-gun, and are absolutely annoying. For instance, what on earth does the following line break ...

pumpkin_pie101, No. If you're worried about being alone, this certainly isn't going to make anybody care. Making blanket statements about how much your life sucks and how you hate your ...

carolinawashere, What the others have suggested--about it not being connected--is the least of your concerns. The first thing you should be worried about is your sense of geography: the sun ...