Published April 8, 2008
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141,274 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
oneeyedunicornhunter,
Judging from the revision, I'd be frightened to see what you had before.
The truth is you can't write poetry in ten minutes, and this is an excellent example as to why. The epileptic rhyme scheme, curious absence of any metaphoric or figurative language, and the blatant bludgeon for sympathy points by writing about a soldier reeks of amateurism.
I'm not interested to see what you could have written in twenty minutes. I doubt if it'd be anything more than a much longer version of this (and the shorter this is, the better). What I'd like to see is what you can write after not just minutes or hours but days and weeks. What would a real effort on your part produce? Probably not the trope you've vomited up here.
When you claim to be a critique beggar, you might want to consider making it worth the effort on the part of the critics first.
Best,
brad
I didn't hear about this in the news, but I guess it would've been heartwrenching.
This poem was beautiful. It clearly painted a vivid picture in my mind of what was going on. Good job for that.
My favorite line was:
I got the shivers right there!
There is one stanza that needs work, and I think that is all.
It just doesn't flow right. Try playing with a few words here and there?
:Sythe:
I'm no master at poetry, but I do know that it is rare that poems can be written to express their full meaning and feeling in just ten minutes.
This poem has potential, but I don't really...feel it. Maybe instead of "throwing it together", you could go back and really dig deep into what you saw and put the feelings that occurance evoked onto paper.
Another thing: Show vs. Tell
You are telling us what happened. Your poem would be so much better if you showed us.
Instead of saying "the battle being fought", you could say, "Bombs and bullets" which implies that there is a battle without actually stating it. It also tells what kind of battle, a modern warefare one as opposed to a duel with swords and such.
If you are going to stick with stating it bluntly, I would change "being" to "was" to agree with the line 3. I still really suggest revising this poem to show and not tell, though.
There seem to be too many syllables in the last line, so I propose getting rid of unnessecary information and breaking the last line up, like above.
I really don't like this stanza. Like I keep saying, too much tell, not enough show. I think you are focused too much on rhyming and not enough on imagery and the concept of heroism itself. The rhymes seemed forced and don't really make sense to me.
I might change it to make it a tad more interesting and less standard.
Eh. I'm not big on this one. It's very vague. "He threw himself upon it" or something like that, would be a bit better.
The last line didn't make sense to me, was that what you were trying to say?
And from what I read, he only dies once, so I think it should be "end" not "ends".
Too many syllables in the last line again, so like last time, delete unnessecary line and break up the last.
Fhythm is perfect for this one! Great job on it!
This is a grotesque picture right here and we looooove grotesque. We just don't honor it. I don't think honor is the right word anyway. And also, I don't think that this is a strong ending; I think you should switch the last and second to last stanza, it would work a lot better. I would also use "surviving" instead of "remaining". Remaining sounds like they had a choice.
Like I said, think about how you could show us what happened, rather than stating it bluntly. Make us Feel.
Try not to focus so much on rhyming as portraying the right image.
I think it was pretty good. Very well written, however the first two paragraphs explaining it was a little... annoying. I didn't need to know all of that stuff, the poem stands on it's own. If I were you I would take it out, because your work speaks so loudly without the preview paragraph. Does that make any sense?
i appreciate you guys replying to my poem, and i hate to be a critique-beggar, but would you mind being a little more thorough? i'd really appreciate it. thanks!
thats pretty good for ten minutes...it makes me wonder what you could have done in twenty....just a thought=)
well it wasn't too bad. the ending was alright. I give it a 6.5/10.