Published March 1, 2008
can you see the sunset from the southside?
can you see the sunrise from the east?
can you hear me whisper with your ears closed?
can you taste the wind with no teeth?
its a long way 'til tomorrow
but i know you are still here
friends change like seasons
so please buy me a beer
toss the empty over your shoulder
hope it dosnt break across the floor
i can clean it up later. right now i just want more
I know you can see the stars out in the night sky
and how they light your face like new.
I know you can hear the siren calling
its coming to get you.
there has been many secrets shared
and many adventures that we've dared
so only if you could stay a little longer and have a beer with me.
you were gone like the summer and now my world's empty
thanks for reading and please critique!!
updated: march 1st 7:53
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141,268 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
carolinawashere,
What the others have suggested--about it not being connected--is the least of your concerns. The first thing you should be worried about is your sense of geography: the sun doesn't set in the South, it sets in the West.
After the first two lines, which just barely escape the level of drudgery, this quickly devolves into random, pointless questions, statements and observations.
"can you taste the wind with no teeth?"
...can you taste the wind, at all?
Best,
Brad
In the beginning it talked about the person you were talking to, then it was talking about beer and then it was talking about not sharing a beer with someone because the police are coming to arrest them or something. It just doesn't add up or make sense. I think you should stick to the first four lines' idea and majorly edit the rest. I really thoguht that the beginning was good and strong but then the topic drifted, and it doesn't really fit the title.
I thought it was pretty good up to like the 8th line, then I got kinda confuzed.
I think you should concentrate on connecting things a bit more. Right now, it seems like a lot of one-line random sentences (often cliches) strung together. Why mention the sunrises and whispers if you're only going to end up talking about spilled beer? Do you have a goal for what this poem will eventually say? How well do you think you executed what you were trying to say?
I was a little confused past the first four lines. It looked like it was going one direction but then it did a complete 180 and went the other way. It was interesting and your language was really great, but I'm just not sure what is going on in the poem.
But I did like your rhythm and your rhymes. They were good choices and they didn't feel forced like some other rhymes I have seen. So nice job there.
This could be made a little more clear if you lengthened it or something. I'm not really sure what the story is you are trying to tell. Maybe with a bit more room to work, you could explain better.
Good luck!
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling
Ehhh....it didn't make any sense. What did the beers thing at the end have anything to do with sunrises in the east and changing friendships? My favorite lines were the first four, those were great and nicely metaphoric. The poem just went down from there though. Think about what you're trying to get across to the reader and what you want to reader to feel as they read your poem. Then think about the best way you can make them feel that emotion and what words would be most effective. Judging from yout first four lines, I think you can accomplish that, and with some editing, this poem could be a pretty good piece. Good luck (and welcome to YWS!)!