Published March 3, 2008
Wasting, lonely, sideways
drooping head.
Trying to see the world
in my way,
sliding slow
beneath my grasp.
Sitting idly when
my curtains stop rustling
and mice
never stay for long.
And when the wind
stops biting,
when night brings
my only friend -
relax.
The sun won’t miss me
anyways, not like
you do.
I am but singing,
singing and waiting,
caged, with a hamster
napping on my lap,
under a mistletoe that
was never used.
Leave me
to float happily,
and in heaven
I will bring you
to tears.
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141,698 Literary Works • 675,577 Reviews
sezPez,
Two-word lines don't confer an edgy, poetic feel to your poem. They seem sporadic, machine-gun, and are absolutely annoying. For instance, what on earth does the following line break achieve:
Sitting idly when
my curtains stop rustling
Breaking on "when" achieves nothing. I don't think I need to point out that just in those two lines there are severe structural difficulties (for instance, why not:
When my curtains stop
rustling, I sit idly
which retains the original value without the tedious inversion--a phenomena that haunts the rest of the piece) which are merely representative of any other set of lines as well as the poem itself. In short, if this were a house, it wouldn't sustain a 5mph gust. I'd try something else.
Best,
Brad
Oof, I found this hard work with the amount of punctuation you added in there.
I think you could downscale this so that there aren't so many stops and starts. Also, the structure was a little hard to deal with too, because one minute there was a large chuck, the next just a tiny morsel. Hm? I think you should cut it down a little too, so that it's not drawn out as much.
I think you have used some powerful imagery in here and think that you have a good idea, it just needs a little bit of a tweak. Hope this helps.
Ginge.
Wow. Great piece. Brilliant first stanza. I loved the rhythm of this, and just the feel. You've got style.
I've got nothing to complain about! Keep writing!
~Yoyo