Published March 27, 2008
So I started this a while ago, and still I can't get the ending to feel right. At least not to me. I think up until then it works pretty well, even if it does get a little cliche at times.
Suggestions???
It started off as nothing.
That innocent glance
across the room,
as I held your best friends hand.
That chaste look
you cast my way,
called upon me silently.
That touch of your knuckles
across my fingers tips,
sent a flutter up my spine.
The day your best friend left me,
you were there.
Affection shining in your eyes.
That velvet kiss
across my trembling lips,
cast your best friend from my mind.
It started off as nothing.
That innocent glance
across the room,
as I held your best friends hand.
Then suddenly,
you were everything.
I edited a few things, working on a few others. Nothing to obvious, just some little suggestions you guys gave me seemed right. Now what do you think?
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OverEasy,
You've taken fairly grey characters (I think we all know them--most of us have been them at one time or another) and presented them in grey circumstances very greyly.
You are painting a scene in one color and it's a simple linear narrative that takes the reader nowhere particularly interesting.
You recycle elements that are so commonplace in amateur love poetry (how you glance at me, how the slightest touch sends flurries up my spine, how warm you are, how you're there for me) they should have been excised from the poetic verbiage altogether.
I finished the poem and asked myself, "and ..."?
Best,
Brad
Change the ending so that we know why the break up happened and why she got with his best friend. Right now, it's too vague in that regard, so the characters seem shallow.
Or play with it some other way. You seem to be skipping around a bit, as far as your events go, so that may be what is hindering you. Either go more linearly or more abstractly.
Have fun playing around with it!
I didn't find it confusing at all. However, it is a little cliché in places. I think you should add a little more to it to make it more personal and original to you, because at the moment it sounds a little...generic. Also, the ending doesn't sound quite right to me. If I were you, I would get rid of the last two lines altogether. Good job anyway, I quite liked this piece. Hope I helped.
I'd like to sart off by say poetry isn't my best thing, so you may just want to ignore this crit.
But overall there isn't any emotion. I read it, and it's like, 'Oh, okay, next!' You need to choose yur words more carefully, so people read it and stop because it's so emotional.
Second, I didn't really understand what was going on. Was it sort of a love triangle? Because it was very confusing.
I thought this piece was okay, but you ned to be clearer and have more emotion.
Cabassi is right in line with me on this one. You crossed into characters and thus need their emotions, it is becoming more and more like fiction in that aspect, but then you wrap it all back up and present a strong, but repeated bit just before the ending two lines. Was it really necessary to repeat? Not really.
It was good, but there is nothing to separate it from the many others just like it.
Ciao.
Yes, cliche--but then, you've a somewhat rundown subject--threadbare sort of story in how oft it slips into poetry. In itself, there's naught fatal about that, naturally. But it means you have got to present it in a way more than fresh if you're to dodge the response of oy, here we go again from the reader.
Briefly--and simply--we start with foundations, vero?
You've some neat images--but somehow, the poem in its form feels off-kilter. It's jagged in its form; and without the form reflecting intent, it ends being more blurred glass than mirror to reflect your meaning.
PUNCTUATION
Though poetry may appear more inclined to break conventionally held rules--grammar-wise--it really oughtn't. In fact, doesn't much when well done.
But you begin with a fragment, yes?
Were the whole poem violent, I should say, by all means, fragment and leave the sound discordant. But it's really rather a soft sounding piece in its diction. It certainly isn't a death-or-damned break-up sort of rant.
In short, either link the lines more smoothly--perhaps line-break less. Or break it entirely. Fragment. Abrupt.
Such as this, da?
Now that's quite rough. But the cadence is harsh now--and in all honesty, I think that may give your subject the edge it's lost in cliche.
MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROAD [risks therein]
But for flip-side consistency, I think you may be just as well in making in softer and more even. Were you to lengthen the lines, but get entirely into the head of the girl, you might have quite a bit more to say--if more earnestly.
In the end, the poem stumbles in, firstly, its form; but secondly in it still slightly middle-of-the-road perspective on a subject rather too often expressed. And naturally, the middle of the road tends to be a place to get uncomfortably close to the front grill of a truck--not a place for poems or people. Find something vivid in this! yes? It is not ideas, in the end, that are quirky and engaging, nor necessarily situations, but the people who are experiencing them who give something its depth. As this is a poem with "characters", so to speak, it's needs their voice as much if not more than in fiction.
Feel free to PM--
Courtesy of the Cabassi
Really good one weather it was true or not it was convincing!!!!!
banana-baby-16!!!
Well what part did you get confused at? I want to make this so everyone can understand exactly whats going on.
That was very good, I liked the feeling of it. At one part I got confused (It's probably because I'm younger than you though, I guess I don't understand as much)
Good Job!
Zalex
This isn't a bad poem, but I'll go over some spots where I think things could be changed for the better.
One big problem I have with this stanza is that at the beginning, the "you" is across the room, then in the last stanza, the speaker is brushing hands with the "you". I was at first confused; who's knuckles? You think it would be obvious--it's the same "you" as before--but it still caught me off guard. I loved the phrase "that chaste look" because it is original, and it tells a lot in a few words. As to the rest of it, it was plain. You may want to think more on your word choice (See: Right Word, Right Time by Cade) and find other ways to express the feelings. For the most part you are only telling what happened--and I can say you're doing a swell job at that. Which isn't sarcasm. Sometimes people tell things and it's just too much, or too plan. You just say it like it is, and don't say something like "I loved you from the first time I saw you even though you were my girlfriends best friend"--you let the facts of it come through in your diction, "as I held your best friends hand" which is another part I like of it.I think this line would be more powerful if you broke it up:
The day your best friend left me,
you were there.
Affection shined in your eyes.
It makes affection past tense, rather than -ing past tense (I have no idea what you would call it) but it is less powerful as it is. I'm not sure about the line its self; could you say something stronger? but changing the verb in such a way helps.
Why ashen?
I'm not sure I like the repetition of the beginning. Sometimes repetition is good and works well, but in such a small space, it doesn't do so well. Try finding a way to reword the whole thing, of give the reader a real BANG ending. Consider it: poetry is one of the shortest forms of writing known to man. The less words you have, the better you need to say things to get your point across. Every word needs to count; how does repeating this help your idea? It does--in a sort of way--but it would be better if you could restate it and make it stronger.
Overall this isn't so bad, but it could do with rewording here and there. Also, keep in mind that poetic devices are amazing. Have you considered imagery, metaphor, or any sound devices? Any and all will add to your poems quality [not to say it is poor quality, but that it will raise the quality].
I think the ending was really nice. You shouldn't change it. And yes, It had a bit of a cliche feel to it... but I think you added some originality, too. That's something you should be proud of, since that's a rarity these days.
That was good. I think you should leave the ending as it is because it is quite powerful and emphasises how quickly the relationship moved on. Certainly leave the last two lines as they are.
The repetition of the first four lines in the last six is also an interesting piece of imagery as it supports the last two lines, which are awesome.
One thing I might suggest is you could make it two stanzas:
Otherwise, great work!
Keep writing!
~SishBee~
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