My man

I agree with Snoink on the whole conflict issue. You could be trying to be subtle or trying to keep the reader guessing but since it is more like a story in poem form (prose) I think you should tell us a bit more.

Otherwise I really liked it and I think submitting it for school would be a great idea.

~SishBee~
x

Clever. I liked the italization of "was" in the last line. It really drives the point home. But the rest is sort of "blah." Take the other's adivce, but keep writing!!

~Yoyo

The problem with this poem is that it doesn't have any conflict. You keep on repeating how this man is your man, yet the reader is unaware why this man, being hers, doesn't react to her in any shape or form. Thus, the reader becomes confused. Get into the conflict! It's not a story, yes, but there must be something that leads us on and makes us want to finish reading the poem.

Starting and ending it with the same two lines is really the only thing that really is poetic about this. It feels way too prosy. I'm with Incan and bob on this one. Those two really know their stuff.

I liked this. Its very powerful. I also liked how you opened and closed with the same, lines,good job!!!

I find the critiques on this site interesting, always have. And what I find particularly of note is that there are actually people who seem to like pretty much anything, and are willing to say so. Kind of sad.

Listen to Incandescence's critique: he knows what's he's talking about; ignore the rest. Find something original to write about, then try again.

It was brillz! x( Awww....not really too brill for anything pro but that definitely was good! I felt how the baleful emptiness of the poem seems true. KEEP WRITING dude! xoxo- Jace

kinzygirl223,


The first ten lines are a list of things such-and-such did, and reads roughly as poetic as a shopping list. The other four lines are so contrived the only thing they could possibly evoke is nausea.

What you need to do is actually read some poetry, figure out what imagery, metaphor, assonance, alliteration, rhythm, rhyme, style, and so many other concepts are. For this I recommend a handbook by Ted Kooser that I don't presently have the name of--it's a delightful romp through the world of poetics.

As for this--toss it.


Best,
Brad

This is wonderful, I really liked how you infused the emotion through the piece. You made the reader feel how you felt about the man in particular, and it could be applied to not just lovers but other storylines.

I was a little put-off by the lack of punctuation, but I can't really say where you should enter it. I'm sorry I'm no help on this part.

Good piece,
Ginge.

Nice, I Liked it, it displays feeling very well. I agree, some punctuation would work. There is nothing really I see to change, but I want to compliment you, it was really good.

All these helped thank you sooo much.

Excellent poem. I really liked this. It's suitable enough for school. I'm sure everyone will love it. Keep up the good work!

-Rick

I like it! It's unique.=D.

Hey!!

This was a very nice poem!! It did catch my eye and I'd liked reading it.

I agree, you should make WAS italicized.

Keep up the good work!!!

Kelsi=)

This is good. It might help if you have some punctuation (Mrs. S would like that), I like the ending also. Maybe make the WAS into italicized? I don't know.

Thanks for reviewing I will think about those changes!!

Nice title! Good work!

He wasn't only a man
He was my man

I don't think that this was a good opening sentence. It didn't really catch too much of my eye, but still it was good.

When he smiled every problem in the world went away

This line I didn't like either, maybe think of something like this, "His smile would brighten my day, and all the problems of this troubled world would vanish from the face if earth", you know?

This caught my eye.
I think it's really good:)
I think you should submit it to school, it's nice to read, and I can relate to it, I bet loads of other people will be able to too.