Published April 4, 2008
Every time I look at you, I feel this thing inside
Every time I see you, you are clear on my sight
Whenever you look at me, I feel so weak
Whenever you talk to me, I look down at my feet
It's so hard not to look back at your face
If you love me, maybe that's just fate
When I see your eyes, I make a huge smile
When your with another, I break for a while
Can you see me at all or just on the side?
When you're near me, do I stay or hide?
Just thinking of you makes me blush
I long for your kiss, I long for your touch
I know you're with another, I see you two everyday
Yet I cannot stop loving you, I cannot hate
Would you find me beautiful or just not that?
Would you return the feeling or stab me on my back?
I want your love to have and to hold
My heart right now is so, very cold
If you know that I love you, would you go to my arms?
Your heart full of love will make my heart warm
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141,270 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
Felicity_92,
I admire your ambition in trying poetry, which is a pretty difficult form. In its execution this is at least okay, without too many metric disturbances, but beyond that--I see two problems with the poem, and I think they go hand-in-hand.
First of all, the poem doesn't move much, if at all. You say something (unrequited love--the lifeblood of thousands of amateurs--on boring display here), and then you continue to say it, over and over. And over. It's substantially less than interesting.
Second, and this is the more disconcerting problem I'm having: what about this did you think was poetic? There is not one simile, one metaphor, one use of breathtaking imagery. You simply regurgitate what you feel and do in something akin to prose. In fact, you can take any number of YWS users' blog entries about unrequited love, randomly hit the enter key, and have a poem almost identical to this one.
Why am I supposed to care that you love someone who doesn't love you back? If you were trying to convey something new and exciting (you should be trying to do this, for the record), you utterly failed.
Best,
Brad
I liked it! Especially the last couple of lines.
I really liked this poem! I got a great meaning from it. I noticed a few errors but the others have already pointed them out^^. Just wanted you to know that I liked this very much and that maybe you could re-read your poem before posting it so you can see if you've got any spelling or punctuation errors. I really liked this line-
because (in my opinion) it was really cute and reminded my of a few people and myself when we are in situations like that.
-KeishaAnn
that was a real preety poem! i could tell it came from the heart did it not? Now the ending i felt like it...was not compleat? like somthing was missing. just somthing to think about^^
despite the few grammer problems is was great! i realy enjoyed it!
Ok. Welcome to YWS. I'm Rick. PM me if you have any questions/concerns. As Riedawriter23 said, you need atleast two reviews before you can post your own work. Once you get 25 reviews, you can access the YWS chatroom and discuss writing topics and all sorts of things in there with other hard working writers. Now onto the crit.
I really liked this. There's a few spelling errors I must point out though.
"you're" is the correct form.
The correct way to say this is: "stab me in my back"
Other than that, it's good. I like the rhyming is good. I like he rythem in it. Keep up the good work.
-Rick.
I really enjoyed reading this poem
It felt like it came truley from the heart.
I felt your first verse very strong in emotions but the last line sounded wrong rhythmically.
"I know you're with another, I see you two everyday "
The end of this line was fairly good but the first part sounded sooooo cliche.
I was fine with the rest up until the last line.
It needs a farrrr stronger ending. This poem isn't complete yet.
You left me hanging.
Also, throughtout the poem rhying was on and off. It sounded quite iffy.
Structure also becomes an issue.
This poem seems like something that would be in someone's diary, it doesn't seem public material yet.
7/10!
Good job. Not bad for someone who appears to be a beginner. Maybe you just don't have the matural writing gene inside you though. You need to train for it,
Hello and welcome to YWS!
Just here to inform you of the rules. Please keep your posts to two reviews to every literary work you post here. Thanks!
"Make" isn't really effective wordchoice, here. How often would you say "I made a smile" in everyday life? Sounds awkward, doesn't it?
"When your" should be "when you're," maybe.
"...or just on the side?" <-- that's a bit confusing. To what's it referring?
These two lines add disorganization to the poem, and appear to be included ultimately for rhyming effect.
Both lines were kinda awkward for me.
I think the choice of the preposition "on" in the second line here is a bit unusual.
Again, I feel like you're exchanging meaning for rhyme.
It's not bad, overall.
The main advice I'd give is to avoid sacrificing quality for rhyme in the future. It makes a piece seem forced.
Nice job and good luck!
yeah this is good, and nb138 pretty much covered all the grammar.
) was my facorite. it flowed better than the other ones and (to me at least) made more sense. but of course, it's your poem, so you're the one that really knows what the meaning behind your lines were.
the second verse or stanza (or whatever
good job! 8.25/10
Hey! Did you know that the rule is that you have to critique someone else's work twice before you post anything yourself? It's better that way- so you can get a lot of critiques yourself, and if you review someone else's work they'll be likely to review yours.
Anyway, this is a great piece! I just have some grammar issues:
"On"? I think "in" might be better to use.
The "you two" part breaks the rhythm of the poem, and it seems a little too informal for this piece. Try to rewrite it to make it sound better.
The comma isn't needed!
The verb tense, or whatever you call it, is a little off. Try using "knew" instead of "know".
Other than that, I don't think anything else needs to be changed. It's a beautiful poem! Keep up the good work!
-Nat