Incandescence

lukas8u, "a bit like poop" is not a very appealing way to describe anything--especially not when it's a pet the Narrator claims to love. The rhyme scheme needs to be ...

Passion, What (and whom) is this meant to address? Thematically, it's vague, and the target audience seems nonexistent. An important part of learning to write poetry, or anything else, is ...

Galerius, This is awful. The rhyme scheme in S1 is horribly mangled and then (thankfully) dropped (but to what end? Why introduce a structure only to take it away?). Many ...

Well, errtu2, I got no impression of a gritty, working-class tone from this, and what it has to do with a proletariat uprising I will never know. What I do ...

Penguin-- You have done a lovely job in these two chapters of setting up Mella's and Daryl's relationship: there's a strong sadistic element that is at once frightening and endearing. ...

Cade, The first line of your poem can be absorbed into the title: e.g. A silent film in September. Small poems tend not to resonate with audiences for a lot ...

Bob, I'm not sure this is poetry. It seems more like a prolonged aphorism than a sustained engagement with metaphor, metonymy, etc. It's a group of descriptions that don't rise ...

Smorg, There's an idea worth pursuing here, but the current structure is completely opposed to the rueful wryness you've written with. The machine gun lines certainly don't help, and particular ...

lulu_daisy_101, This is your internal sense of decency telling you to throw this away and try something else. Things I'd suggest trying instead: Learning how to use grammar and spelling ...

Cade, Consider: 1. re-titling this "Four-Leafed Clovers" 2. cutting S1 3. reworking the enjambment of S2, which at present is at odds with the whimsy of the poem; finding better ...

Eimear, I've not commented much on your work—though you've made several swaths through mine—so I'll make a first step with this poem, which I realize is dated a bit. No ...

Juncboks No. This is a collection of tired platitudes about your heart, who are you, and so on. It's constructed with arbitrary short lines that are at odds with the ...

ink_on_fire, The opening two lines, as well as several others throughout, seem too forcibly "poetic" to my ear. "Toxicity" connotes a level of poison, a leak in the defenses, that ...

soconfused4512, The numerous spelling mistakes coupled with a close of "THE END!!!!!" is the fingerprint of doggerel. The poem's tragic flaw is that it's topic--the N/mother dynamic--never gets off th

Shafter, The mechanics of the poem are relatively fine. The rhyme scheme sometimes comes off as a scheme instead of a natural flowing, but I found nothing particular to comment ...