A hand takes yours

Agreed, Brad.

You have some good ideas Eimear but the problem is you don't set them into a dramatic framework. Dramatic poetry = events + emotion as in the 'Sticky'. There's no setting/character through which the reader can filter the actions and interpret them:

"You're all but done in talking,
Too cold to even care."

You could also brush up on your spelling and punctuation: this would make you more credible as a writer!

Your use of imagery was evocative and fresh, particularly:

"Eyes reflect the hurt they've sown"

and:

"Your mind is losing paths"

but again, these seemed disconnected images with no real overarching story to tie them together and leave the reader with any emotional attachment to your protagonist.

However, your ending finished the poem on exactly the right note; if only the rest of the piece resonated as well, you would be well on your way to an 8 or 9!

Good luck!

Gahks



6/10

Eimear,


I've not commented much on your work—though you've made several swaths through mine—so I'll make a first step with this poem, which I realize is dated a bit. No matter.

S1 opens with the narrator addressing a warrior but doesn't establish a setting for the readers to interpret the work through. S2's four lines could each become respective poems, but stated as they are, here, they come off as being generalizations of ideas you haven't put much effort into thinking about; what's more, it stops addressing the warrior in S1 and thus causes a rift between the two stanzas. Each of the lines in S2 could be shown through further addressed to the warrior instead of told to us. Also, S2L1 and S2L2 are connected by a comma, and while there might be some tangible connection between the two, it's so vague as to seem more like a mistake than an intentional concatenation. L3 poses a query that L4 doesn't answer, so it feels like you were grasping for the own/sown rhyme, which wasn't terribly convincing to begin with.

S3 refocuses on the warrior, but the narrator is not making any efforts to let his/her readers know why this warrior's heart is threadbare, why s/he's too cold to even care, etc. A good exercise in revision might be to ask yourself: How will someone besides me know this is a true statement? I'm not saying every line in the poem needs a justification—many times the most effective and evocative lines are those which don't justify themselves so much as sit in a string, floating by the air of lines around it, atmospheric—but at least some of these statements need to be explained.

S4 suffers the same problem. S4L1-2 are okay if I accept the previous stanzas without question or hesitation, but L3-4 introduce a new character (Death, presumably) who just suddenly appears on the page. At least for me, the poem would be more effectual if the rhyme scheme—which doesn't seem to be imposing anything useful on the structure of the poem—were dropped and you simply constructed a poem in the form of a letter to a warrior. It would also be potentially useful to establish the Narrator/Warrior relationship a little better, though this would be done by justifying some of the lines.

PM me if you have any questions about a revision (or if you already have one up).


Take care,
Brad

Hello!

I enjoyed reading this. I like your poems.

Nothing left in what your saying,

Your all but done in talking,

threadbear,

i love this! so creative and genuine. it flowed wonderfully, and i was almost sad that was all there was too it. I especially loved how you closed the poem.

my favorite line was "enemies bring no triumph," I can't put my finger on why, put it's just a great little saying. Like, you don't gain anything out of making enemies.

Keep on writing, and good luck!

~Shannon

this was really good i really really liked it

I loved this poem.
I seriously felt like crying.
It has soo much meaning.
I loved it.

Hi,
Excellent job on this poem. I really liked it. It's hard to find good poetry

I am not very good at poetry myself, so I will not be able to critc it, though I didn't see anything wrong. Writing can always be improved though.

You had really good rhyming going and the words flowed very nicely. It was actually quite relaxing to read.

I really liked this part:

"You've fought in every battle,
And broken every bone."

and this one:

"But a hand takes yours and says
'Home? I'll take you there'"

I'm looking forward to reading more of your poems. Keep up the good work.

-lg*

I agree with what every one has just said. It was awesome! good job. And they are right, there is nothing I see to really to touch up on. Good job!

This is absolutly amazing. Keep up the good work!

-Rick

That was beautiful. I am sorry I could not pull out any flaws, I am no good with poetry. But I can tell you what I liked

I like the words you used, they flowed nice. It didn't have much emotion witch is good, because unless we are connected to the characters we aren't included in the emotion.

It was very rhyming and soothing, I could read it a million time

Very well, I love the last line.

Keep going,
- Gwen

PS.
Feel free to PM me any time if you would like a crit on anything.

That was really good! I might not be an expert on poetry, but this was really grat. It flowed very well, and the rhyming was super. The stanzas are set out well and I honestly really liked it! Ther was no grammar edits to be done, just well done and *thumbs up*!

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Whoops, thanks Kyte.

Your heart is too thread bare,