Published May 11, 2008
Today is the day
That I let everything fade
Away from my mind
And forget about time
I want to forget
And never regret
What I've told you
About what I think you should do
I think you should be here
Defending me against all that I fear
Now you're to late
Because I'm not going to wait
Soon I will be grown up and be on my own
While you sit on your royal "thrown"
You be who you want to be
But I seriously doubt that you will be seeing me!
so mom this is how i feel
my true feelings are real
so heres to you
i want to forgive you for all you've done
and all the lies that you have spun
i love you i really do
but i just wish to forget you
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141,439 Literary Works • 674,449 Reviews
Hi socunfused,
I need to agree with Vernon on this one. Please use punctuation to make your work more tidy and attractive for the reader and also help you to emphasise things and control the way it is read. Punctuation is a good way for you to underline meaning and determine the shape of your poem, so it's worth spending some time on.
Spelling is very important also. If you want people here to take your work seriously and spend their time on helping you improve the least you can do is invest enough time to read through it for typos or use spell-check. (If you have trouble catching typos try reading it backward, word for word. That way you'll have to concentrate more.)
Also I agree about the navel-gazing. Your using a theme millions of other people have used before you, so try to make it different, interesting. Make me care about the conflict between the narrator and his/ her mother. What's important about it, special? Try to make me feel angry at the mother and take the narrators side. Or make me take the mother's side? There are so many possibilities, so go ahead and play with them. It's fun!
You're poem is very vague and you never say what's actually happened or why the narrator is angry at his/her mother. You merely go on about how you'll prove her wrog and throw a bunch of lines in that don't exactly contribute a whole lot to your poem. For example the first stanza: What does stopping time and forgetting have to do with the conflict? What do you want to forget? Try being more specific. Plus I must say, if it weren't for the title I wouldn't have known it was directed at a mother for sure. Try to bring that out.
Maybe you could try telling a story in your poem? Or maybe using an outside view?
There are so many possibilities! Go play!
i like the emotions put into it. In my opion it was great and i can relate to the pain in it so that made me understand the feelings more.
i like the emotions put into it. In my opion it was great and i can relate to the pain in it so that made me understand the feelings more.
soconfused4512,
The numerous spelling mistakes coupled with a close of "THE END!!!!!" is the fingerprint of doggerel.
The poem's tragic flaw is that it's topic--the N/mother dynamic--never gets off the one-dimensional ground we've seen about four thousand times before. The remedy is to read better poetry, develop an ear for it, and see for yourself how this stacks up.
You might be discouraged; many people are. The choice you need to make is whether you're willing to put in extra (any?) effort into your writing--if not, you'll never break past the sort of reviews you're getting now.
Best,
Brad
*Is agreeing with everyone else*...Don't get me wrong, poem idea: great...The way you put it...Culd use some work...Overall: good
Death
Hi socunfused,
I need to agree with Vernon on this one. Please use punctuation to make your work more tidy and attractive for the reader and also help you to emphasise things and control the way it is read. Punctuation is a good way for you to underline meaning and determine the shape of your poem, so it's worth spending some time on.
Spelling is very important also. If you want people here to take your work seriously and spend their time on helping you improve the least you can do is invest enough time to read through it for typos or use spell-check. (If you have trouble catching typos try reading it backward, word for word. That way you'll have to concentrate more.)
Also I agree about the navel-gazing. Your using a theme millions of other people have used before you, so try to make it different, interesting. Make me care about the conflict between the narrator and his/ her mother. What's important about it, special? Try to make me feel angry at the mother and take the narrators side. Or make me take the mother's side? There are so many possibilities, so go ahead and play with them. It's fun!
You're poem is very vague and you never say what's actually happened or why the narrator is angry at his/her mother. You merely go on about how you'll prove her wrog and throw a bunch of lines in that don't exactly contribute a whole lot to your poem. For example the first stanza: What does stopping time and forgetting have to do with the conflict? What do you want to forget? Try being more specific. Plus I must say, if it weren't for the title I wouldn't have known it was directed at a mother for sure. Try to bring that out.
Maybe you could try telling a story in your poem? Or maybe using an outside view?
There are so many possibilities! Go play!
~Kalliope
I liked the rhyming, though some lines were too long and thus the rhyming didn't sound that good.
Now you're to late --> I think you meant "too" late
grownw up --> grown up
I didn't quite like the exclamation mark in the end. It makes this poem seem almost cheerful though it's not supposed to be. It's like "bye, mama, I'm going now, see you". Try to take it away and see how it changes the mood.
Kind wishes
Demeter
Right, this poem isn't even close to original, and worse it's angst ridden. You need to use puntuation. Otherwise it looks untidy and messy. The whole idea is lack much imagination, your Mum doubts ya, but ya wanna prove her wrong. So what. This is pure navelgazing, telling us a story not even that originally.
Overall: Puntation and don't navelgaze.
Good luck
VSN
Hey i really liked this. My only advice to make it more professional would be to drop the last stanza. But I bet those lines have lots of meaning to you so i would understand leaving them there
The idea of this poem was good, but you really do need to polish up your work before posting it, as it took away from it and made me not take it too seriously. If there's one piece of advice I could give you here, it's presentation.
Make a good job of capitalising the I's and using appropirate grammer and punctuation, and you WILL be noticed later on. It shows a commitment to poetry and to your own aspirations, however big they may be.
Other than that, I would be happy to read a second draft of this.
Best wishes,
Eimear
Hello!
I edited the excessive punctuation out of your title. It's annoying and unnecessary. ^_^