Young Writers Society

Galerius,


This is awful. The rhyme scheme in S1 is horribly mangled and then (thankfully) dropped (but to what end? Why introduce a structure only to take it away?).

Many of the images strike me as something one would find in a Legend of Zelda game, e.g., "without a torch dancing into the smoky mirror / of time beyond eternity and elemental twilight."

Some of the lines, particularly the couplet pointed out by errtu2, are the stuff of amateur philosophical prattle that has been subject to a clumsy attempt to elevate it to the level of "profound" through verse: "Nothing vanishes (until it chooses to go)"? Really? What could this even possibly mean?

S3 is practically incoherent.

Throw this away and try something (anything) else.


Best,
Brad

Im writing this on a failing computer with only a few minutes left on her last battery, so excuse and brevity and/or grammatical errors.

This is a beautiful poem, One for its simplicity, style and dynamo, and a very hardy Two for its intelligence. A learned man at 16 is an impressive sight, but a learned man who can write is a sight to behold. I may be talking out of my ass but I haven't really enjoyed any work on the human paradox since i last read Notes From the Underground.

"They say you can't go home again
but you certainly can self-salvage in hell"

Sublime.

It seems that somebody has finally understood that we are the all seeing all dancing crap of this world, digested it and made a fine poem out of it.

Thank you

And I really mean this, keep it up, keep it right up