Published August 2, 2008
I no what you think
Its gonna be another boring poem
About how somebody has unspoken able beauty
Or just to short of a skirt
But this is about your brain
Playing tricks on your body
You can think your fat or ugly
Maybe even smallish two
But trust its just your brain playing tricks on you
And its doing it right now
You could think this is a poem
Maybe even a song
But this is really your brain
Telling you whats right and wrong
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
I like to think you made the spelling & grammatical mistakes on purpose - if you didn't then I'd suggest getting someone to proofread your work for you before you submit it. I think the poem has potential, but to me it doesn't make any sense. I think the rhyming is clever, but I don't understand what you're trying to tell me. Or is that the point? I'm going in circles now, haha.
Maybe revsiting this poem and fleshing it out more would give it a greater sense of purpose. It's up to you in the end, but in the form it's in now, I don't think it's living up to it's potential.
No he doesn't need to do any editing! Don't you get it? The mistakes are part of the poem. You can still read it and understand it even though its wrong. Your brain is playing tricks on you as you read it! It's the whole point of the poem. If he fixes those mistakes it takes away from the point of writing it in the first place! There will be no tricks, just a boring old poem.
...Um, am I right?
Oh, and nice job. I find it very creative. It's really cool that you thought to do that.
I'm pretty sure the point of this was to actually have all of those spelling and grammar mistakes, right? Because, if so, I'm going to put away the dictionary/grammar handbook that I was about to hurl at you.
Also, I will kindly NOT correct the grammar/spelling that has already been done a few times over here.
In the third line ("About how somebody has unspoken able beauty") I have a problem with the word "able". Once again, I understand that this was *probably* put there on purpose but it was even more distracting than all the mistakes--I kept going back to that line and tried to dissect it and figure out what it all meant! I realized that it worked much better without the "able"--just a thought.
I like the last four lines of the poem very much, actually. It totally described what I was doing the entire time while reading your poem!
This is not a style that I enjoy. I am too much of a perfectionist to sit down, read something like that, and appreciate it. I'm not going to say good job or needs work; I think it fits the bill you're going for, but, as you can see from your reviews, it's caused quite the dissent among reviewers!
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
-Cassie
Nitpicks:
I KNOW what you think
IT'S GOING TO BE another boring poem
How someone has UNSPEAKABLE beauty- 'unspokenable' is not a word
Or just TOO short of a skirt
Maybe even smallish TOO
And IT'S doing it right now
Overall:
If you're really going to be that sure of yourself, maybe try reading some poetry first. I highly doubt that you've actually studied ENGLISH, much less poetry. Instead of saying that it's 'awesome', because it wasn't, maybe you could have just said that the idea for it was awesome. I know I'm being harsh, but I think that you should work on your spelling, grammar, punctuation, and pride.
-Ember
Hey! Welcome to YWS. So nitpicks in bold, 'kay?
Lot's of grammar issues. Bad grammar really turns critical readers off. The length of the poem is good -it doesn't go on and on and on. But like lizzifer said, it's a bit too clunky and doesn't flow.
I really don't like how at the beginning you stereotype readers and what they think this poem will be about. It makes us feel stupid, and that's not going to win you any favor.
The repetition doesn't work here. The rhythm... well, there isn't any. The rhyme scheme is inconsistent. And the reader doesn't walk away with anything. All in all? I was disappointed.
Hope I wasn't too harsh. Keep at it - you can only get better. Any questions, PM me.
I feels to clunky and doesn't flow. you portrayed many poets do but you wont get kudos for making people feel stupid. I love the thought process, it just doesn't fit together well.
Hey Lulu, was this supposed to be awesome? You said this was supposed to be really good, but you dissapointed. And you used the wrong form of "too"
~Shina
i really enjoyed this poem. it was very unique and different in every way. also very creative. you really caught my attention right to the end. the structure was very good and everything seemed to flow well. i really liked your ending. it was perfect! its didnt cut it short and was powerful. your rhyming scheme was a little off and then there was the small gramatical errors. but like you said it was just my brain playing tricks and telling me what was righ tand worng.lol...well great job! you really made an awesome peice of work!
at first I though you may have unintentionally spelled the words wrong and used improper grammar etc. but soaking it in with a different mindframe, thinking you did that on purpose, really makes it awesome. I liked reading it.. the first.. second.. even third time. Very cool style, you're witty and you probably know how to handle people in social situations very well.
This was clever and witty, and it had a beautiful flow. Well done! This poem was unique, and I'm sure there is nothing like it out there. As I see people have pointed out above me, the "no" should be "know," unless, of course, you did that on purpose. You're a fantastic poet, keep going!
lulu_daisy_101,
This is your internal sense of decency telling you to throw this away and try something else.
Things I'd suggest trying instead:
Learning how to use grammar and spelling effectively;
figuring out what "meter" is, and how that contributes to rhythm and rhyme;
writing a poem that isn't self-referential, since it's been done before, and a lot better than this; and
reading some decent poetry, here or in books.
Take care,
Brad
Firstly, grammatical errors abound in this piece. There are so many problems with word confusion, grammar, punctuation, even flat out wrong terminology. Luckily, there are many different ways to correct this. Others have pointed out what they saw, and now I think it's my turn.
Overall, good effort, but this poem used a lot of words to say absolutely nothing. What was the point of this poem: was it to make people think about how the percieve the world? Was it a poem about how the mind shouldn't be trusted? Or was it a glorified "This Is Not A Pipe" poem? Most good poetry usually has some sort of message they're trying to convey. Even something as stupid and pointless as "The Red Wheelbarrow" by William Carlos Williams has a message about how the hard labor of so many seems to be forgotten, like a wheelbarrow sitting alone (depending on your interpretation).
As much as I wracked my brain trying to think of the message you were trying to tell, I could find nothing. All I found was a really rough draft of something that, as it becomes more developed, could say so much about our world.
For now, scrap it and start over. It'll be way easier to do that than to rework the crap out of it in order to say what you want to say.
Good luck!
kf
OK, you have a bunch of different grammatical errors and that really takes away the greatness of your poem. Other people have already told you these errors, but you haven't changed it yet, so i am going to tell you yet again and maybe you will fix it.
This should be "know" not "no"This should be "too" instead of "to"
"too" not "two"
This poem could be good, but i don't think that you have any flow, you are rhyming at times then not rhyming, you don't have punctuation anywhere, this is just a poorly written poem and i think that you can do so much better. Once you fix the grammatical errors, and put in puncuations, then your poem would really be enjoyable to read. If you have any questoins please pm me
Hope this helps
Happy writing
I get what you're trying to do here, and it's pretty clever. I like the misspelled words and the bad punctuation and all that. But, the execution didn't bring your great idea justice.
There is so much more you could do with this. Like better word choice and all that, so I suggest a total re-write. Erase this and start all over with the same idea and such. I can tell you're clever and could make something so much more than this. And if you decide to re-write this, PM me please!
Glad to see another novice. Remember for every two reviews, you can post one piece of yours (the 2:1 ratio if you haven't heard) and I'll be looking for you again.
That was a very cool poem. It was really creative too! But you need to go back and edit your spelling, if you haven't looked at the other reviews yet. But I was wondering if you did those spelling mistakes on purpose, because it goes with the poem perfectly! But if you did, well, you still need to fix it anyways. This is a poetry website and I really advise you to spell correctly. There is a spell checker if you didn't know that. But I could go on about your spelling forever, but that was a great poem. Keep writing!!
Yeah this sounded like some opening dialogue to some pretentious indie film. Not feeling it sorry. Don't assume your reader is dumb.
This could be a really cute poem. There are just a few misspellings but the message is good. One more thing you should do is to add some punctuation!!! Put periods and whatnot where ever the line breaks and it is/is not the end of a sentence. The beginning of a line should not be capitalized if it is not the beginning of a sentence! If is is mid-sentence, make it a lower case!
Hope this helped- good luck!
~1dering
First off, welcome to YWS!
If you have any questions about anything, feel free to PM me, and I'll do whatever I can to help you.
Now, on to the critique...
Now, I don't know if you made all those mistakes on purpose, to point out the brain telling me what's right and wrong, but I corrected them anyway.
I really didn't much care for this. It had no basis, no emotion - nothing poetry normally has. [Not that normalcy is a necessity, but in this case, it's much preferable]. And it didn't flow too well either. I didn't really understand either - your brain playing tricks on your body would be more controlling how you move, wouldn't it?
I suggest working on giving it some meaning, so it's not just another poem - because right now that's all it is.
Also, add punctuation to help the flow!
Merry Writing!
~Bella Bambina~
ok, that is just the coolest thing that might be true about a persons brain, trying to fool them into beliving that words are rhyming