The shadows writhe across the ground
And from the sky a fog drifts down
Before me lies a dying land.
Leafless shrub and thorny grass
Rotting trees of ages past
Grow twisted in the bloodied sand.
Across this plain my path must lie
Under leaden, hazy sky
My footsteps will not turn back now.
Beyond this land the mountains rise
Like sentinels for those who’ve died
Upon these gray and lifeless downs.
Yet through the steaming stench of death
I taste a sweet, unsullied breath
Of dewy violets in the sun;
Of sprawling yews with fragrant green
And mossy earth by rippling stream
My restoration has begun.
My homeland waits beyond this hell
Beyond the looming sentinels
And beckons me with memory.
My roaming days will end at last
In meadowlands of waving grass
And forests filled with ancient trees.
When I at last behold the face
Of one I love, her warm embrace
Will lift the years of sorrow’s toil.
Her smile will light a thousands suns
To know my traveling days are done
We’ll drink the silver glow of joy.
I’ll walk with her through pastures fair
And breathe the crystal springtime air
And nevermore I’ll be alone.
My eyes are fixed upon the road
I’m bent beneath a heavy load
But I don’t care
I’m going home.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Shafter,
The mechanics of the poem are relatively fine. The rhyme scheme sometimes comes off as a scheme instead of a natural flowing, but I found nothing particular to comment on.
What I did want to mention is the question I was left with at the end of the poem--and, by the way, I didn't find it overly complex, boring, or hard to get through--which is: "Why did I just read this?"
I feel like sometimes rhyming poems escape the need to open new vistas of thought if crafted particularly well, since in part excellent craftsmanship can make old ideas lively, and that has its place in the world of poetry. However, this doesn't rise to that level, and even if it did, I'm not sure I'd exactly know what it was eviscerating as subject. I get the impression the N is somewhere far from home, where bad things are happening (but why? is the N a nomad, a gypsy from years ago--someone who left home to "find themselves"?--or are they more serious, someone in the war-torn Middle East who wishes to return home to their family? Maybe the bad things are metaphorical for something else, perhaps the N never really left home, physically, but an argument with a love partner or spouse has alienated them, and they now wish to return to the way things were? These elucidations about the N would make his/her plight more identifiable for readers, who can then better connect with the poem itself), but now realizes s/he wants to be back home.
It's a tough question to answer: What should a reader take from my poem? To make matters worse, it's almost never received in the way you intend, but knowing what you intend, and presenting that clearly from the poem itself, owes in large part to what I see as a conceptually lacking poem. Even if the poem doesn't offer new ways of looking at an old theme, I would at least be aware of why the N, whoever it is, feels the way s/he does.
There's a general thematic connection from each strophe--namely that of isolation and despair--but I don't see anything behind the theme to sustain it.
Best,
Brad
Sheesh. So many negative vibes in these poems...Heh, I wish I found this place sooner. Anyways I loved how you played the words, I didn't catch much mistakes, probably cause I scanned but...
Anyways...
Death
Mind if I take a crack at it?
I liked a lot of the phrases, but quite honestly, I got bored very quickly.
Maybe less pondering? It sounds like all this is just supposed to be thoughts, and it's almost too complicated.
Sum Up: love parts of it, bored with the rest.
~ Eden
Hmm, too complex, sounds counter-productive, it just went on a bit too much, droning on and I barely got the end if I even I did. The lack of any other puntuation was maybe a choice but it made it flow harder for me. You need to think what to get rid of stanza wise as this just has too many. It does have potential but so many stanzas instead bored me.
Overall: It seems very beautiful it just drones on...
Good luck
VSN