EloquentDragon

Grammatical etc. nitpicks first. In the future, please be more considerate of us poor reviewers slaving away in impossibly cold dungeons and proof read before submitting. Pretty please? than an ...

ED here, I'll try my best to help you out with this one. So, one look at this and my eyes bugged out of my head. Space out those paragraphs! ...

So, I'm not going to nitpick here, but just give you some thoughts in general... First off, this is told from the perspective of a guy, and I assume you ...

ED here to the rescue. Don't take my review as being harsh or anything, I'm here to help so no hard feelings? I try my best not to be too ...

So, first of all... I'm glad you're writing! Keep it up, writing is a great way to express your views and personality, I hope you enjoy and continue with it. ...

Um... This needs much revision. (Was it accidentially cut off after "she looked sad"?) Anyways.... I'm not sure what you have here, it's like a synopsis with a few phrases ...

Hey there, haven't done a review in forever so bear with me. First off, keep the lyrical style to your prose, I liked it, and it is original to you--- ...

Hello, ED here to review. I'm going to be sort of short here, but bear with me. ____ Okay, so I was kind of wondering about the first paragraph. The ...

Ooh wow...although.... Why does the tense change here? Be careful about shifting...your tense drifts into past, and back to present, in some parts. Why is it in present tense? I ...

So I'll be lazy today and simply annotate. Enjoy (heh heh) the review. RED-Grammar problems. It would be nice if these are fixed. BLUE-Personal opinions. You can completely ignore these ...

First off: Barking brilliant title, by jove! (No, I'm not British) It's sort of modern, and yet its still a fantasy title. It could use a little work, but for ...

Hmm, very interesting. I didn't read your first chapter but I could still easily understand what was happening. You have a nice clarity to your story. That being said, This ...

It's not really fair, you sort of leave us hanging. Where's the rest of the story? *so frustrating* Anyway, I really liked this, but there are a few grammar points. ...

Two points on editing: "fragility of it all. How fragile our lives are." this sentence is repetitive. Perhaps you can substitute another word? And also, the over use of chico ...

...um...I don't know if you generally read thrillers, but there's not really anything here that's thriller. And uh, you said she was his wife, but than it's consistently girlfriend throughout ...