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139,596 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
This story is out of line....Sorry! But I don't think I was able to complete it.
no point in trying to comment, this story is no longer available
Um...
This needs much revision. (Was it accidentially cut off after "she looked sad"?)
Anyways....
I'm not sure what you have here, it's like a synopsis with a few phrases of potential prose thrown in. Whatever it is, this is not a prologue. In order to start a narrative, one must narrate! Which means:
1. Pick a point of view, any view, but someone has got to be telling this story. Usually, the character who requires the most change during the course if your story should be your POV character. (In this case Evelyn)
2. Start it out with action... what are they doing and why should we, the readers, care?
3. Set it in the present.
Now, with a "prologue which happened in the past" (like here) instead of realating events in flashback or as a history book, write out the most important event from Evelyn's past as it happens. Start things rolling, don't backtrack.
Besides that.... um, I don't do romance/vampire novels in general *shivers8* but I would like to point out that the description of the hero seems overly cliche and "Evelyn Connor" is not an Egyptian name. (Niether is Amos, for that matter) and if the romance between her and this Evan bloke happens in Egypt... well, Evan is also not Egyptian. Also, Evelyn and Evan are very close in similarity as far as names go. Consider changing them.
So, what I see here is "classic tragic romance," it's been done, and is overdone. Here's my question then, what is it that makes your story different? Why are your characters unique? Why should the reader care? If you can answer those questions, then your story will be greatly improved.
~ED
actually, yeah of made a cut off. I wasnt sure if i should keep going or not.
I liked the idea, and I can sense that this could turn out to be a very excellent story. There were only a couple of mispellings in here, and some of your commas were placed in the wrong spots. Overall, I thought it could have been put together a little better, but you are definitely headed in the right direction with your plot. =) I hope this helped.
yes, thanks you for courage to keep going.