Nala tried her best to be ignored, as she walked casually down the corridor adjacent to her classroom. She planned on doing this quickly and efficiently, just as they taught her. Living in the sky, in one of the largest stratoships in the world, did not grant her much freedom on board. In fact, the chances of her breeching security in any way shape or form were little to none.
But this wasn’t about security. This was about the truth.
She wasn’t supposed to be in Geometry for another six minutes, so she made it to the end of the corridor and turned left, where the navigation lab was. She knew the technicians that were usually there had shifts on which they would take breaks. A group of them started to come back from the cafeteria, just as she’d predicted. In the midst of them was a stout, shaggy-haired boy even younger than she was. Nala wiped her face clean of expression, looked straightforward and crashed right into him, shoving him away and out of immediate earshot. “What the--“ the boy said, toppling over.
“God! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” Nala said rather loudly, standing over him.
The other technicians, who for the most part were middle-aged adults with serious expressions on their faces, paid little attention to the two of them.
He was rubbing the side of his arm which had broken his fall. “What are you doing?” he said, his boyish voice pitchy and underdeveloped.
“I’m here to collect,” she said.
“I’m working,” he said, straightening his flannel shirt and looking up at her indignantly.
“We had a deal, nerd,” Nala said, crossing her arms.
“If by nerd you mean the first ever male under the age of sixteen to drive a four thousand-ton airship, then I dare say you are correct in your assessment, if used solely for derogatory purposes.”
“Allen.”
“All right, all right! But was that really necessary? Couldn’t you think of anything that didn’t involve you knocking something into the ground? It’s like you have the IQ of a squirrel. Well, actually. Nevermind. That’s an insult to squirrels.”
“Look, nerd, I have three minutes. So talk.” Nala said.
He rolled his eyes and looked around him. “Fine, but if you go blabbering to people, I’ll deny everything.”
Nala glared at the kid impatiently. He opened his mouth, and then closed it again, sighing. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Try me,” Nala said.
“Well, do you know what it is this thing’s used for? Why it was built in the first place?”
“Training,” Nala nodded. She remembered her father mentioning it once in one of their few, forced conversations. “A special type of training. Except no one really knows for what--“
“Or who, or why. In fact, the majority of employees aren’t allowed in some parts of the ship. Or most of it, really.”
“What do you mean?”
“I once stole a glimpse of blueprints for the stratoship a few months back as I was passing floor E. Turns out eighty-five percent of it off-limits to all employees save the captain. Or in other words, your dad.”
“You got all that from a glimpse?” Nala said.
He flashed her smile, and tapped his forehead, singing, “Photographic meh mor ee.”
“Ah. And have you ever…?”
“Been in any of ‘em? No. Have you not listened to a word I’ve said? Off-limits,” he said sternly, causing her to frown. “However, there have been a few accidents. Or at least that’s what they looked like.”
“What accidents?” Nala said, no longer aware of how much time she had left before someone would notice she was gone.
“Well, a couple of weeks after that, there was a break-in on of the chem labs. I was walking back to my room when this big, beefy kid about your age ripped open the doors with his bare hands and destroyed everything inside. And I mean, destroyed. It was awesome,” he said, throwing his hands up in the air.
“Then a bunch of other scientific-looking people came to the scene. He was immediately put down, and I never saw anything like that again.”
Allen waited for Nala’s reaction, but she had none, except that she wanted to know more. With each question answered came another thousand. “And they let you go? Just like that?” she asked, dubious.
“Let me go? You think I’d still be here talking about it if they’d even suspected I was there?”
“So you hid?”
“And ran.”
Now she allowed herself to be amazed. She couldn’t believe how ignorant of so many things she’d been for so much of her life. She was going to get to bottom of this, somehow.
“When you say accidents,” Nala started to say, but before she could inquire further, she noticed the color drain from Allen’s chubby cheeks and his eyes focus on something behind her.
“I’d hate to be the one to interrupt something important,” said a cool voice. Whipping around, she saw a lean, dark-haired man with glasses staring at them.
“No, sir,” Allen said abruptly. “It’s nothing.”
The man who Nala had never seen before, looked about twenty. His dark eyes were intelligent, but his expression was oddly blank. For a moment Allen stood frozen with fear.
“Get back in the lab now, Brooks, or I’ll make sure you don’t ever come back at all,” he said.
“Yes, sir.” And Allen disappeared, leaving Nala completely alone. To her surprise, the man didn’t speak to her or even look at her. He just waltzed back inside, the automatic doors sealing themselves shut behind him. And that was when Nala realized how late she was, and that she could have no hope of being let off so easily.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there.
I read your chapter, and liked it. It was a bit short for a chapter, which normally ends in such a way that leaves the reader for want of some conclusion, which in turn leads him or her to read the next chapter. In this case, you seem to be, instead of leaving us hanging with the implication of a continuation, just kind of dropping us off at the edge of a cliff. It's as though you took a page out of a well written book and cut it off in the middle. It's sort of an abrupt ending, but I won't pester you too much, since you seem to have some characters developed. I would have hoped that you could have possibly described the characters a little more. You could have described the characters at least briefly, if not only the important stuff. I normally recreate characters appearances as I read, but sometimes the appearance is important. It's all part of painting a mental image in the mind of the reader. I don't know what kind of ship your characters are on, whether it's an airship or a spaceship, or some sort of boat, or what. I don't know what it looks like or anything. It would add a bit more content. I also notice that you seem to be writting from the beginning with little clear vision of what happens next. If you do, correct me. But, as I first stated, I think that to make this a chapter, you could have added more content.
thank you for your feedback
ED here to the rescue. Don't take my review as being harsh or anything, I'm here to help so no hard feelings? I try my best not to be too brutal.
Nit-Picky things first:
This, my dear, is not a very good opening line. It has promise and potential, but is rather flat. You want to grab the readers, hook them with the first word. Many others who have come before have said it better than I can. Here's an article written by a young(ish), and hopefully more interesting guy: http://www.fuelyourwriting.com/the-most ... r-opening/
any way,< shape,< or form. (Note the commas) Also, this lightens the mood, giving it a more comedic effect. You achieve that mild humor through dialogue later on, and I'm sure you don't really want it here. Therefore, consider revising that sentence.
So, this concerns your set-up. It's confusing. At first, it sounds like she's at school. Then, it sounds like she's in a lab. Now, since where she really is is on a stratoship training center, your exposition needs to be clearer. I'm not saying to come right out and say "she was on a stratoship training center," but please, do give us some hints here. (Maybe there a weird gravity effects. She walks by a window and sees the clouds below, etc.) Also, indicate that she's now in the functional area of the ship, as opposed to the student area (where she should be)
The wording here is a bit clunky. Trie revising it a bit. Maybe just reverse the order: "Nala looked straight ahead and wiped her face clean of expression."
"Wiped" as a verb is a little odd too, but that's probably just me.
TIP: Do not reveal exposition via dialogue. There should be other ways that we can find out that he's a pilot. (One, I must point out, does not "drive" an airship) You can reveal this information later on, or slowly/bit by bit but please, people don't talk like this in real life so save dialogue for dialogue. ("As you know Bob, I work at the pizza place") The characters would already know stuff like this, so it's redundant in the story and kind of cheesy.
This was unclear. I had to read it twice before I figured out who was talking and who was Allen. This might just be YWS format, but while foregoing the dialogue tags is admirable when done right, you still have liscence to use "she said." This isn't english class, after all.
<<<Make sure you italicize the whole thing. (If that's even a verb)
Same problem here as before. The characters already know what the airship is for, and who built it, and so on. It just takes some effort to give expostion without killing the reader with a 10lbs. paragraph of info or having the chatting "plot talkers" bore them to death. Try the "Pope in the Pool" trick: http://howtowriteshop.loridevoti.com/20 ... formation/
I think you meant "incident" here and not "accident." "Accident" would be if something inadvertantly went wrong do to a mistake. "Incident" would be if something inadvertantly went wrong due to someone trying to escape. Anyways... (You could say that the scientists tried to MAKE it look like an accident---that would add some interest)
Well, hrm hrm hrm, this could have been interesting... but putting it in dialogue killed the suspense. I would suggest other options. (Maybe you could, I don't know, put it as a scene or something, or put it in later on in the story. No flashbacks though. Maybe just revise the dialogue to make it more "gripping.")
<<< This does not seem to be the type of character to be "waltzing" around. xD Try another verb lest you lose readers to a suddenly non-serious mood
--------------------------------------
Okay, now that that's all done...
This story has a lot of potential. You have a strond protagonist, and an interesting location.
However...
Major Problem #1 : We, the readers, have no clue what this is about. You hinted at something about "security" but never did anything with that. As far as I can tell, the premise dissolved right about the time she bumped into Allen. How to fix that problem? Well, fix your premise. What is your story really about? What is your main character desperately trying to achieve at the start of the story? Give us that, and the reader's are going to care a whole lot more.
Major Problem #2 : While some information is necessary to establish the story world, this piece is laden with way too much exposition. You need to reveal things more gradually--- hint at things, make the reader feel smart. They will love you for it. That being said, we shouldn't find out on page #10 that she's on an airship. Put some things, and only the necessary things, in at first. The rest can be dropped in bits and pieces as the story progresses, carefully and subtly put inbetween conflict, action, and suspense. Good expostition is like good seasoning--- a little sprinkled evenlty all over makes the dish. Dump it all in one place and your ruined.
Overall, this piece was a fast read, which I liked. Your dialogue needs some work, as is it's a little rough. Try reading out loud as you revise, make sure it has cadence and crispness. I liked your protagonist---but give her more to do. Start of your story with a bang. Readers aren't interested in expostion until you establish a connection with the protagonist... what does she do that makes us care about her? http://howtowriteshop.loridevoti.com/20 ... trategies/
Anyways, hope this helps.
Good luck!
~ED
Hi,
Uh, thanks a lot. I was really happy that you took the time to give me honest advice. It is much appreciated. But I think there were some things that were a bit unclear. And you don%u2019t have to reply or anything, I just felt I had to say this.
I don%u2019t know why, but short summaries do not show up on this site. So for the purposes of what I%u2019m going to say, here%u2019s the pitch for my story.
-The Unit, a secret organization that prepares gifted individuals for combat, has been warned that earth was doomed to catastrophe. The humans are under attack from extraterrestrial invaders, and it%u2019s their job to train people like Nala, who could do extraordinary things, to defend humanity and its freedom. Soon the sixteen year-old girl finds herself in the middle of a global war.
Okay, so what I understood is that you were concerned with dialogue, exposition, and also that the readers didn%u2019t know what exactly is going on. But with this intro in mind, the readers can know exactly what going on, without knowing too much. (since it is only the beginning). I wanted to use the dialogue in a way that would reveal the character%u2019s personalities as well small pieces of information.
Like Allen%u2019s monologue, %u201CIf by nerd you mean the first ever%u2026%u201D That was used to show that while he is young and brilliant, he is also slightly arrogant. I didn%u2019t mean it to reveal information.
And hopefully, most of the confusing parts you mentioned are understandable now. Because you, as a reader, and puzzle together what Nala is saying, whether in narration or dialogue, from the start.
%u201CSame problem here as before. The characters already know what the airship is for, and who built it, and so on. It just takes some effort to give exposition without killing the reader with a 10lbs.%u201D That%u2019s the thing. The characters aren%u2019t supposed to know. That%u2019s why he asked her. But again, this would probably have made more sense if I had at least some background information in already. I was trying to build on some sort of foundation of knowledge on your part(the readers), instead of explaining all throughout. You see, by telling the readers that %u201CNala can do extraordinary things%u201D and %u201Cfinds herself in the middle of a global war%u201D in the beginning, they know in the back of their minds that story is building up to something. Except, they don%u2019t know exactly what and how. And that%u2019s how I plan to write my story.
And again, I really appreciate your thoughts. I agreed on some points like when you comments on punctuation or confusing word choice and who %u201Cone does not drive a ship%u201D. And I thank you for that. But hopefully this made things less confusing.
--Emm
Sorry if I wasn't clear *Ahem* on my review. Your plot was clear and understandable, the whole thing was easy to grasp. Nothing was too confusing, except what I already pointed out.
What I meant by "the reader doesn't know what's going on" is that you have a very weak plot here. You need to establish a reader connection---- they need to care. Right now, it appears you're writing linearally, one thing after the next as you think them up. This is fine, for a while, but eventually your going to have to structure things.
What is the problem here? What must be solved by the protagonist? If you don't have a problem--- you don't have a very good story.
As for exposition. Please refer to the links I gave you, they will hopefully serve to further my point. The setting should be established via description, not info dumps. Give clues, as I've said, you don't have to give a thesis on the story world, but don't describe every little detail either. Just try and be more visual with your descriptions. As is, there are a lot of dry, expository paragraphs here, but nothing really to give the reader a "vision" of the world you've created. (I must point out though, that this irksome point has troubled author's ever since fantasy and sci-fi was invented.)
Anyways, just work with it. Let it sit for a week or so, then come back and re-read it. Without it being so fresh in your mind it will be easier to look at it with a critical mind. (And that's a good thing, where would the world's literature be without revision?)