“What does it feel like? To kill someone.”
“It’s like…you’re God.”
“In a good way?”
“For a second.”
“And after that?”
“After that it’s…it’s like you yourself are the dead one.”
“Can you explain?”
“It’s like, when you kill someone, they’re dead. You can’t take that back. And even if you aren’t caight right away, you might as well be, because for the rest of your life—every second of every day—you’re just waiting. Waiting to be caught. Because you know that eventually, you will be.”
“That’s very deep. What’s it been like, these last few years?”
“Numb. Not good, not bad. I never laugh anymore. I don’t cry, either. I’m numb.”
“Are you sorry? For killing her?”
“I am. More than anything. But that doesn’t make any difference. Because I took a life. And there is nothing that can justify that.”
“Nell, we have to get Ava by four. Finish up.”
“’Kay, Dad. Well, thank you for your time. I’ll be back next week.”
“Thank you for coming. People usually don’t…visit me.”
“No family?”
“I have family. But they don’t come. Never have.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I deserve it. Good bye, Anella.”
“Call me Nell. Good bye, Mr. Houiser.”
“Call me Ted.”
“Good bye, Ted.”
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“I think he’s really interesting guy, Dad.”
“I dunno, Nell. Maybe we should stop this now.”
I bounce around in the front seat of the truck, unbuckled—because the buckle is broken—my pretzel-stick thighs sticking to the old, ripped up leather.
“Daddy!” I turn to him, my hand on his denim jacket “It’s for journalism, for Bono’s sake!” Dad sighs, the long kind of sigh he sighs when he knows he’s going to let me keep doing what I want, but doesn’t want me to know that he knows.
“Fine, Nell. But just for maybe a month. You should be spending your summer with friends.” I slam my back into the seat and put my feet on the dashboard.
“I don’t have any friends. You know that.”
“You have friends, Nell. How about…that Louise girl. Louise Charbuno”
“I punched Louise after she said The Beatles were a bad band. Remember? I was suspended for three days.” Dad grunts and tips his hat.
“Oh yeah.” I cross my legs and pick at the scab on my knee. Silence fills the car. I stick my head out the window, and let the cold wind blow my hair around. The hot car window burn my cheek, but in the good kind of way. The car pulls to a stop.
“Nell, run in and get your sister, will ya?” I nod and jump out of the car.
-----------------------
Ms. Mary’s Daycare is that kind of daycare place you see in all of the movies about single parents who meet their soul mate at their kid’s PreSchool. Pink and blue flowers line the short hallways, and each room has a specific summer-ey theme. Ava stays in the Tulip room.
“Nell! Hey there, sweetie!” Emma Lira is the head care giver in the Tulip room. She’s pretty awesome. Her hair is long and strawberry blonde and she’s thin and tall. I really wish I looked like her. But I’m me. So whatever.
“Hi, Emma! Where’s Av?” Emma points to the corner where the wooden kitchen set is located. I spot my little sister, Ava, on the ground, stacking blocks along the carpeted floor.
“Ava, time to go!” She gives me a big gummy smile and jumps up from her criss-cross-applesauce position.
“Nelly! Hi hi hi! Today I had tree cookies afoor snack time!” I pick her up and hoist her on my hip.
“That’s great! We gotta go, now. Say goodbye to Miss Em.” She waves her chicken nugget-sized hand and we walk together to the exit.
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“And den I build fo big towahs all ober de whole pace!” Dad nods.
“That’s great, sweetie.” Ava keeps running her mouth, filling the awkward, empty space in between me and Dad. I wouldn’t say me and Dad are close, really, because we really aren’t at all. He’s quiet, and never speaks his mind. I’m the complete opposite. He says I’m exactly like Mom, because I don’t care about what other people think, and I don’t stop doing what I love for anybody. I’m proud that I’m like her.
“Where does Mickey Kimble live again?” I come back to reality.
“25 Racker Road, I think. Why?”
“Annan’s playing over there. We gotta pick him up next.” I nod and slide back out the window. Looking at where I live, it makes me laugh. It’s as small as a small town gets. Only family-owned buisnesses, except for the one Dairy Queen, which, luckily, is right down the street from my house. Other than the DQ, nothing much ever goes on around here. The biggest thing was Ted Houiser, but we’ll talk about him later.
We pull up to the Kimbles’s house, and Dad nods for me to get out. I run to the door and knock hard. The Kimbles are one of the richer families in town. Their house is big and red, and they have an underground pool.
“Hello.” Elijah Kimble, the oldest Kimble boy at age seventeen, answers the door. I stand up straighter and clear my throat.
“Uhm, I’m here for my brother, Annan. He’s here playing with Mickey.” He nods quickly, causing his brown hair to flip around. His eyes are the color of caramel.
“MICKAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!” For a second we’re both silent, and then we hear the foot steps running down the stairs.
“Nell! Look what I made!” Annan points to a red paper headband on his forehead.
“Cool! Ready to go?” He nods and says good bye to Mickey. Then we’re back to the Freeman-Mobile.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, Rocklobster,
The first thing that strikes me about this is that you're suffering from an overdose of what are known as Talking Heads. That is, you've got a bunch of people talking, and not doing anything - imagine a comic strip that's just a couple of heads with speech bubbles, and nothing else. The issue with this is that, frankly, it gets boring fast. To combat it, add in some action - and I don't mean explosions. Think about it - when you talk to someone, you don't just stand there and speak. You might be tidying something, you might be fidgeting, perhaps there's something in your hands, or maybe you put a hand on their shoulder to reassure them... all these small movements add action to the scene, and keep it from getting dull.
The other issue with the talking heads in the first section is that, since you have no dialogue tags, and the characters' voices aren't distinct enough from each other, I don't actually know what's going on. Who is Ava, who is Nell, who is Ted, how do they relate, is Ted the same as Dad... and so on. Action in between lines of dialogue would really clear this up.
This confusion continues into the second section. It's good that you're not just info-dumping, and are showing the reader events through conversation, but it's still not clear what's happening. Nell is doing something... for a month... to do with journalism? Her dad doesn't like it... but it's still not clear who the Ted guy is.
By the third and fourth sections, you've definitely settled down - these two are much better. There's description and action in between lines of dialogue, and we have a promise of more information to come about Ted. If you could make the beginning more like this, I think the piece would definitely benefit.
The ending, then, is rather abrupt - I assume this is the first part of a longer work? If so, then I look forward to reading more, but this was a strange place to break - it feels like the middle of something. If not, then that point stands even more - this ending is not an ending, and feels like you just ran out of space.
I think that's all I have to say for now. Please feel free to message me about anything I've said here, or if you want me to comb through for typos and spelling/grammar mistakes.
Happy writing!
Cadi x
Hello, ED here to review. I'm going to be sort of short here, but bear with me.
____
Okay, so I was kind of wondering about the first paragraph. The first sentence really draws me in, but after that it falls apart. Why? Well, I understand you're trying to create an aura of mystery and suspense here, and making the reader ask questions about who these characters are and why they're talking is a good way to start, however---please beware of something that others have bewared writers frequently about, esp. in the action/suspense genre. And that is this: Don't withhold info from the reader. Now, you can withhold SOME info, it's definitly one of the best ways to create suspense or mystery (x_x) but then this whole confusing thing where you can't tell who's talking to who and when jars the reader out of the story. So work with it, you don't have to give names or faces, but don't play with the reader---they don't like that very much.
Also, as a side note, I'd cut it befoer the whole "Okay Dad I'm ready to leave now" part---it uh, kills the suspense let's say. Is this an anecdotal-type opener? Like, should it be a prologue? I'm questioning why the MC is there talking to the "killer"---and what the heck it has to do w/ the rest of this chapter. If it comes later on in the story, put it as a prologue. If it comes way before the events of the story, put it as a prologue. (A prologue doesn't have to be long---one or two paragraphs would do nicely)
Okay, so from this part right here: “I dunno, Nell. Maybe we should stop this now.” the story really just falls apart. I have no clue why they're running around, pickin' up random siblings. No offense or anything, but this is action/adventure---I'm not here to read a heartwarming summer family romance thing. Give me something juicy, something i can hook onto and sink my teeth into right away. Iunderstand that you need to set up the character's wworld---but you can sace that for later. I really have no idea who your MC is, besides the fact that she likes her little bro and sis, and the cute haired guy. Just saying, for a start this is weak. You need to start the story as "late" as possible is some advice I've recieved repeatedly---and what that means is start just a little after some form of action has occured. Many great authors utilize this quite effectively---read in your genre.
But anyway, as for the way things are right now.....
Second paragraph---the description of the action is weird, the way her movements are described makes it seem freakish. I'm not sure if you know what I mean. O.O
Third paragraph---nothing too wrong, but it's dry, and this part was really weird: "She waves her chicken nugget-sized hand"
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So, other than that, make sure that your tenses don't switch, and check the grammar.
I really wanted to see why she's interviewing this killer freak dude, and what happens b/c of it, so my last bit of advice would be: Don't set the reader up for false expectation. If you make a promise of suspense, then you need to deliver on it.
Anyway, that's all I got. PM me if you need anything.
~ED
I actually really enjoyed the first paragraph. I thought it was fantastic that by the end, I understood who was who and what was going on, even though it was constructed entirely of dialogue, with no omniscient or first-person description whatsoever. For that, I congratulate you.
The end.
After that, however, I was almost a little disappointed that the rest was so descriptive. Not that I expect you to write the whole story purely with dialogue, but I think you could cut out a little description, or if you need to describe things, maybe try making it a little more... poetic maybe? I don't really know how else to say it.
%u201CI dunno, Nell. Maybe we should stop this now.%u201D
I bounce around in the front seat of the truck, unbuckled%u2014because the buckle is broken%u2014my pretzel-stick thighs sticking to the old, ripped up leather.
%u201CDaddy!%u201D I turn to him, my hand on his denim jacket %u201CIt%u2019s for journalism, for Bono%u2019s sake!%u201D
For this part, having the description between the two parts of the dialogue kind of jolted me. The fact that the protagonist's response is accompanied by an exclamation point seems random and unnecessary after the rather calm description about her pretzel-stick thighs. You know what I mean? I think it would work better if maybe you placed that description before the father says "I dunno Nell..." Or maybe even at the beginning of that paragraph. Something like that.
Here's my other nitpick:
"25 Racker Road, I think. Why?%u201D
Either get rid of the 25 or the "I think." Because if someone gives a specific address like that, they probably know what they're talking about. People don't just pull numbers out of their butts, you know? So anyways, it sounded a little awkward to me.
Other than that, I do have to say I would have liked a little more dialogue discussing the deal with visiting the murderer in prison. Perhaps you could expand the second paragraph and add some of that in.
Good job so far