Rovaalian. Chapter 2: Master's Wrath

by methrirr123

Published December 29, 2012

In Rovaalian.

Rovaalian woke groggily to the sound of Stu, abusing the pot he had just fixed last night, a loud clang that seemed to get slightly higher pitched after each sounding. He was tempted to pretend he couldn't hear it, but he knew that would cause more harm than an extra two minutes of sleep worth. So, reluctantly, he rose from his small cot and drowsily pulled his dark green cloak around his shoulders, a ward against the crisp morning chill. It coulndn't have been later than half past six. He forgot when he had finally fallen asleep, but it was late when he did. He looked about the tent for his swords. It was only clean since he didn't have any real belongings, only a few sets of clothes which he kept in a heap in the corner, many knives in a chest, and his swords. With his swords at his belt, dangling past his knees, he left the tent for breakfast. "Breakfast", if you could call it that, consisted of a heaping mound of venison more fit for a dinner feast, courtesy of Red Garret. Red Garret was a professional at what he did, and what he did was kill things from far away. He was, by far, the best shot that anyone in their company had ever seen. He could put an arrow threw a squirrels eye from fifty yards, in a dense forest, and was once reported as taking down a pheasant in flight in the middle of a rainstorm. It was he that killed half a herd of white tail deer just this morning, bringing three of them with him two his hut, which he called "the Slaughterhouse". This was only a misnomer since most of the slaughtering and butchering occured at a crude chopping block outside, about five meters away. He earned himself the name "Red Garret" because his jerkin was always stained with blood from his kills. Not all were animals. He was a ruthless killer when it came to raids. He would kill half the guards in a village before the troop even got there. This made things very easy. Reg Garret, on top of being an expert archer, was a terrible teacher. This morning, to Rovaalians misfortune, was shootin' day, as he had come to call it. Basically, Rovaalian would shoot at something, hit it eight or nine out of ten times, and then get lashings for the times he missed it. Rovaalian took his time with his large breakfast, seated on a stump by the central fire where several fellow bandits chatted about, as though there were no twelve year old present.

"Hello! And good morning, boy!" said Stu, putting down the battered remains of the pot that Rovaalian had fixed not ten hours ago. Rovaalian looked up into his face, which grinned back mischiviously.

"Good morning, Stu." sighed Rovaalian, after a glance at the deformed pot. Stu laughed.

"Don't worry. I'll fix it this time." he said.

"Fix it?" Rovaalian said, picking up the pot. It was totally destroyed. There was no way anyone could fix it without melting it down and recasting it. "Fix it? You've managed to obliterate it! Look at the poor thing!" he said, and Stu began laughing. Another man looked at the pot. Guss Mosley was his name. He wiped his greasy black hair out of his eyes, revealing two beady green spheres that glistened with attentiveness. He put his hand over his eyes in mock examination.

"Is that a new club, little man? It suits you!" he said. Many men around him laughed.

"Looks more like a spade to me!" said another man. The laughter was uncontrolled now, as in their merriment they continued to make fun of the destroyed pot.

"Stop laughing!" said Rovaalian, barely controlling his own laughter. "This isn't funny! This is tragic, it is! Just look at it! What dit you do to it, Stu?" he said. Stu was wiping tears from his eyes, and clutching his chest as he laughed loudly, a deep belly laugy that washed over everyone else.

"Keep in mind, boy," he said, "That that's what you'll look like next time you don't wake up when I try to wake you up!"

"We need this pot!" said Rovaalian.

"Nonesense!" said Guss. "Just let him make it into some other object, whose sole purpose is getting you up in the morning."

"What?" said Rovaalian. "Your going to let him get creative are you?" and the whole group laughed. Suddenly, Guss asked Rovaalian.

"How old are you boy?"

"Twelve."

"You talk like a grown man! When's the last time you met a boy your age?" he said. Rovaalian didn't answer. His expression changed from glad to grim, as the recolection of the previous days happenings flooded his mind again. I killed the last boy I met, he thought, but he felt little remorse. He was more disappointed, and sad, that he had never socialized with boys his age. The men around him kept hinting that boys his age should be acting differently then he. But why, then? Why should he be any different then his fellows? He had been a bandit in this troupe longer then some of they, like Farkley. Farkley, a very short, skinny man in his middle years, was mostly deadweight, and was extremely timid. He was only still alive due to his knowledgeability. He was a very bright man. Pitty he became a common bandit.

Before Rovaalian could answer Guss's question, Red Garret, his dark brown hair falling in a neat ponytail accross his back, and his beard tied off in a leather cord, called over. "Oi! Where you been, laddie?" he asked, his shrill voice making it hard for him to sound intimidating, instead giving him a more snobbish apearance. "I've been waitin for ye for the better of fifteen minutes! String up your crossbow! And extra lashin's for the end of today, for lateness!" he said. As Rovaalian made his way to his tent for his crossbow and back, Red Garret crooned sadistically. "We'll do your chest today, methinks... not that that'll teach ye, ye blasted worm!"

Todays targets included three sticks, stuck in the ground. They were reasonably thick, at about three centimeters in diameter. He hit them easily at ten yards, and twenty. At thirty yards, he almost missed the third shot. He missed two shots at forty yards. "No, no, no! Foolish git, you are! You missed!" he barked, his voice cracking with each emphasis.

"Thank you, sir. You're right, as always. I seem to have missed the stick." Sighed Rovaalian, loading his crossbow.

"You bein smart, boy? You making jokes?" said Red Garret, pointing a finger at Rovaalian.

"Yes I am."

"Yes I am sir."

"Yes, sir."

"Now shoot the stick, ye damn..." he flustered, searching for the correct word. He seemed satisfied with a wild gesture with both hands, and a disgusted look.

After Rovaalian failed to hit the sticks, the lash came down hard on his stomach several times, adding new drops of blood to the front of Red Garret's shirt. The pain was bearable, but still made him suffer a bit during swords practice with Rovaalian Senior later that day.

"Focus, idiot!" said Rovaalian Senior, as he opened another cut under Rovaalian Juniors eye with a sweep of his sword, a hand and a half broadsword typically used by heavily armored guards. Blood still soaked through his shirt in the front from earlier that day, and Rovaalian Senior noticed with approval Red Garret's doings. "You must focus! You don't want to die do you? Well? Do you?" he said, swiping again, as Rovaalian Junior ducked out of the way. Today's excercise was evasion, for which Rovaalian Junior was left unarmed. Normally they gave him two clubs to hold while he did this, but that changed since he threw one at Rovaalian Senior during practice, hitting him in the stomach. "Why don't you focus, idiot?! You would soon die, in a real life situation!"

"I very much doubt that there would ever be a situation where..." but he was cut off when Rovaalian senior clocked him on the top of his head with the flat of hiis sword. He blinked the spots out of his vision to find his master standing over him, now brandishing a very light flail.

"I said Focus." he said calmly, and cruely, before bringing the flail down on Rovaalian's head. A sharp pain followed by what seemed like an eternity of numb blackness washed over Rovaalian Junior, as he fell suddenly into unconciousness.

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Caesar
Review
Caesar wrote a review Review · Mar 16, 2013

Hey meth! ED has kindly done all the grammar for me, so I'll be pointing out how utterly ridiculous this chapter is.

No amount of willing suspension of disbelief will save you now. You've gone and done it.

He was, by far, the best shot that anyone in their company had ever seen. He could put an arrow threw a squirrels eye from fifty yards, in a dense forest, and was once reported as taking down a pheasant in flight in the middle of a rainstorm.


Just no. No way, no human can do this. It's physically impossible. Let me tell you, there isn't a lot of skill to archery other than a good eye, sense of direction, and practice. Practice. These bandits are described as being fairly young, or well, I imagine them to be not older than thirty. Maybe they're older, but you sure as hell haven't mentioned. There's a lack of tiny details, description and so forth, that also flaws this piece on a literary level, besides the bad grammar which you really should improve at this point. And since they're about this age, they haven't had enough practice to achieve such a legendary feat.

And yet they also demand all this from Rovaalian. And then whip him. He's already scarred from birth, he's already scarred from previously, and at this point I assume he's punished regularly. And he's twelve. I was wrong in my previous review, apologies. His physique and psyche I need not worry about any longer, as now I know they're totally and utterly destroyed. There is simply no way he can put up with hardcore training and this abuse all at once. The bandits speak of him talking like a fully grown man -- this is impossible. If anything, he'd be shy, introverted, to the point of a nervous and mental disorder. He'd be crippled and useless, and at this point, I really shouldn't go on with this review because your character is not plausible, unjustified, and not very well thought out.

Hope this helped
~Ita

Caesar replied · Mar 16, 2013

You might also want to add this to your first chapter, this as a standalone is utterly redundant.

EloquentDragon wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2012

Grammatical etc. nitpicks first. In the future, please be more considerate of us poor reviewers slaving away in impossibly cold dungeons and proof read before submitting. Pretty please?

Spoiler
than an extra two minutes of sleep worth


…WAS worth.

It coulndn't have been later than half past six


Couldn’t

It was only clean since he didn't have any real belongings,


This is awkwardly phrased. Try “The place/tent/his quarters/whatever was only clean…” As is, “It” is way too confusing to start the sentence with

With his swords at his belt, dangling past his knees


I’ve never seen a sword dangle past someone’s knees. Swords hang, and they hand from the hip, not the knees. Obviously, this wasn’t your intention, but you can see where the phrasing turns the sentence southwards.

put an arrow threw a squirrels eye


Through.. also, I hope you realize how extremely difficult it is for a human, esp. with less –than-modern-bows, to shoot with any measure of precision. Just b/c it sounds cool doesn’t mean you should put it in. (That’s just my opinion, anyways)

This made things very easy


Why state this? Easy for what? Obviously raids would be easier if you had a crazed murderer on hand… ;)

Reg Garret, on top of being an expert archer, was a terrible teacher


Red, not “Reg.” also. “on top of being an expert” suggests positiveness. “Was a terrible teacher” doesn’t fit the sentence. Try re-wording

was shootin' day


Needs to be in quotes. “was “shootin’ day.” Also, I’d like to point out that if he wants to get any good at all, he’ll have to shoot everyday… not just once a week or whatever.

hit it eight or nine out of ten times


That’s excellent archery right there! Also, ten arrows is hardly adequate practice. I can shoot for 20 minutes before I’m warmed up sometimes. Why mention a number at all? If you mean to say he shoots ten bolts per round, than specify this/re-word or omit. This sentence is not largely necessary.

said Stu, putting down the battered remains of the pot that Rovaalian had fixed not ten hours ago. Rovaalian looked up into his face,


Who is this mysterious Stu? And why the sudden entrance?
This causes confusion… you need to introduce new characters as being new. That means give Stu some action before his dialogue line, that way the reader’s head won’t be sent spinning.
Also, wasn’t it Red Garrett that fixed the stew/breakfast? Because that’s what you hinted at in the previous paragraph. If that’s not the case then you need some revision--- tell us earlier that it was Rovaalian who cooked!

and Stu began laughing. Another man looked at the pot. Guss Mosley was his name


Another poor intro. Try: “Gus, one of the other bandits, came over and looked at the pot.” Or something like that. Unless you’re trying to write old –style, that is. (“Captain Ahab, was his name”)

Many men around him laughed


This… sounds really weird. Try: “The other men around them laughed.” Or just “The other men laughed at this.”

"Looks more like a spade to me!" said another man. The laughter was uncontrolled now, as in their merriment they continued to make fun of the destroyed pot.

"Stop laughing!" said Rovaalian, barely controlling his own laughter. "This isn't funny! This is tragic, it is! Just look at it! What dit you do to it, Stu?" he said. Stu was wiping tears from his eyes, and clutching his chest as he laughed loudly, a deep belly laugy that washed over everyone else.


*Laugh, not laugy

No… it’s not very funny. Which is why I find myself more disgusted at these buffoons uproarious laughter than humoured. “Guffawed” or “chuckled” seems more appropriate. Honestly, there’s not much that warrants a laugh here. The character’s actions, therefore, seem exaggerated and over down… especially belly roll laughs.

Suddenly, Guss asked Rovaalian.

"How old are you boy?"

"Twelve."

"You talk like a grown man! When's the last time you met a boy your age?"
…The men around him kept hinting that boys his age should be acting differently then he…He had been a bandit in this troupe longer then some of they,


… X_X
So… the kid’s been with them how long? And this guy doesn’t have a clue to his age? (If Gus is new you need to say so.) Mostly, I think you’re just trying to reveal the character’s age in a clever way. Well, by all means… but don’t use dialogue. I’m begging you, under threat of torturous, throat clawing cats, don’t have “talking plot characters.” Please don’t take advantage of the poor, innocent dialogue.

Oh, and this: http://howtowriteshop.loridevoti.com/20 ... formation/ has some info dealing with this sort of thing, though not really specific to your situation you might find it interesting and helpful for some other things.

Todays targets included three sticks, stuck in the ground


*Today’s, not todays… also that’s a shift to present tense, consider revising.

…Obviously they’re stuck in the ground, what else do sticks do? How about another verb here, to avoid cheese, of course

He hit them easily at ten yards, and twenty. At thirty yards, he almost missed the third shot. He missed two shots at forty yards.


This is inaccurate. A cross bow is not a close-distance range. Ten yards, though used for training beginners, is entirely un-useful when actually using a cross bow. Start at twenty. If the kids twelve he should be shooting out to fifty--- at least. While I don’t own a crossbow, my friend does and 100 yards, though it may seem incredible, is fairly standard range. It’s a firearm, after all, not a bow. (That being said hitting the sticks at all is incredible, especially considering he doesn’t have a sight.) Also, shooting at sticks is going to waste a lot of bolts that go stray. There is nothing un-cool or un-skilled about hitting a standard, round target. (They can be small too, if you must)

… one other thing. Why measure the sticks via metric and the range distances via imperial? Seems to me like it’s easier to pick one. (Plus, if this is medieval-esque, they didn’t really have metric to begin with, so it seems out of place)

"No, no, no! Foolish git, you are!


… what is a git? It’s not that hard to come up with insults. If you’re not using cuss words than animal alternatives work… “dog, rat, etc.” “Idjit” would seem to fit your character’s accent… just Google it if your stumped. I’m sure you can come up with stuff. (This applies for later on, mostly)

his voice cracking with each emphasis.


“with each emphasis” … I know how you feel, you’re grasping for the perfect phrase but can’t find it. Try: “His voice cracked as he stressed the words.” Or something like that.


-------------

So, after all that…

This is the point where you’re story really starts to fall apart. Let me explain.

After Rovaalian failed to hit the sticks, the lash came down hard on his stomach several times


Okay, we’ve just established that despite being a murderer and a bad teacher, this gruff fellow is actually quite loveable. Where then, did this sudden abuse come from? Hard training does not mean physical abuse. You’re going to have to choose if these are hard-core evil guys mercilessly and brutally molding the protagonist into a murderer, or if they’re a group of skilled, yet likeable bandits. You cannot have both.

Rovaalian Senior


This is one of those introductions again… you didn’t mention his father was in the band, which you should have done so sooner. Set up the character, establish him, and give him a more important role. Don’t just throw him in when you need him--- it’s jarring and unprofessional.
(Also, I would suggest naming him something different, unless having the same name serves some purpose in the story. The “Junior”/”Senior” thing could get old, and is more tactfully handled with “his father” and not “Rovaalian Senior.”

Why don't you focus, idiot?! You would soon die, in a real life situation!"


This is a bad line of dialogue. Read aloud and decide how you want to revise it. Personally I suggest something like: “If this were a battle in seriousness, you would soon die.” Or the less poetic “You lack focus--- You’d die in a real fight.”
“I very much doubt that there would ever be a situation where..." but he was cut off when Rovaalian senior clocked him on the top of his head with the flat of hiis* sword. He blinked the spots out of his vision to find his master standing over him, now brandishing a very light flail.

"I said Focus." he said calmly, and cruely**, before bringing the flail down on Rovaalian's head. A sharp pain followed by what seemed like an eternity of numb blackness washed over Rovaalian Junior, as he fell suddenly into unconciousness***.

*his, **cruelly, ***unconsciousness
His own father is flailing him? (Also, that is not the way to use a flail… a flail is a whip, not a club) Granted, you can make Daddy more cruel and serious than the rest of the bunch, but unless you’re aiming for a more serious mood, this is completely out of place. The sudden beating comes from the left field, out of the middle of nowhere, and leaves the reader wondering what they’ve missed. And I do, wonder what I’ve missed here
….This doesn’t have to do with the previous point but… the kid’s twelve and he has his own tent? Wouldn’t make more sense if he lodged with his father?
________________________________________

Alright, now as for points I missed…

There is a shift from third person limited POV to omniscient POV somewhere in there, I don’t know exactly where though. It might just be the dry, bored prose. This brings me to my point--- your piece here lacks description. Where are they? What does the camp look like? The only real description you give us is about Red Garrett’s character, which could be condensed and revised. Try to add more sensory details.

I think the training scenes deserved quite a bit more expansion there. Don’t bore the readers…. But hey, do give a little detail. Perhaps a conversation or a special exercise or something? Give us some action here.

Overall, the piece moved fast and was an interesting read. Your characters were unique and the main character was compelling. Some parts seemed stiff and over-worked while others seemed rushed. Go ahead and revise this when your ready… the story looks interesting.

Keep writing and good luck!
~ED

Forgot to mention one last thing... the name "Rovaalian" is hard to pronounce and remember, you can easily eliminate an "a" with no detrement to intent whatsoever. "Rovalian" just looks nicer, and It's probably easier to type.

I'll say it once, I'll say it again, read the other two parts

User avatar
Alteran
Review
Alteran wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2012

Let us Begin, There are a number of minor typos in this. I believe you can filter them out with a few read throughs. Reading your story out loud to yourself will help you catch them.

Some comments on dialogue. When I read this I get the feeling of a sort of viking accent, but the words are pretty proper. Dialogue is one of those areas you can exercise a bit of freedom in spellings since you want your reader to get the sound. Some examples I saw were:

"How old are you boy?"


This could have been "how old are ya boy"

It's a very small adjustment that can have a greater impact. It also helps the reader identify who is speaking quicker by offering a more diverse range of speech patterns. You do it a little with Red Garret. Remember to use an apostrophe when you remove a letter. This helps the reader to know that a letter is missing because the sound is being dropped. Example:

"You bein smart, boy? You making jokes?" said Red Garret, pointing a finger at Rovaalian.


Bein would be bein'

Again, a very small thing.

Your characters look to be developing at a fair pace. The descriptions are nice little insights into your characters, but you don't want to drop to many at once. Giving introductions or explaining bits when you're dealing with a character is good, but the section where you talk about Farkley. It feels out of place simply because there's no action of that person to back up why it was brought up.

Character back stories and descriptions (which you do a very good job) should be included seamlessly into the story so as to no slow down the pace of the narrative.

That's all I have. I do like this. Aside from the few typos it reads well and you clearly have a good idea of where you want your characters and story to move. Keep it up.



Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, you eat for a day. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
— Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec)