Lost In Reality. Part 1.

So, first of all...
I'm glad you're writing! Keep it up, writing is a great way to express your views and personality, I hope you enjoy and continue with it.

Now, I'm going to be a little rough here, but please realize that I'm not being harsh.
There's a lot of potential here, but let's get into the review, shall we?

All right, first things first. When you write, you have to ask the question "Why would anyone want to read this?" It's not that your story sucks, but you have to give the reader a reason to care.

Meaning *dramatic music here* A Hook.

What is a hook? Simply put, it's something that grabs the reader's attention, and holds that attention, until you can get the story set up and moving.

The first thing you give us in this story is description... which is great (and I loved the description) but don't let that be the only thing you give us. Sure, it's great to know what a character looks like, but don't tell us right away. Give the reader a bit of a puzzle, challenge them to think and imagine, and put clues together. (Especially in first person Point of view. I don't know many people who walk around thinking to themselves "I have blonde hair and blue eyes, am six feet tall and the musculature of Arnold Schwarzeneggar... obviously, this is overly cheesy.)

In other words, give us, the readers, something to care about. You’ve got to make your character compelling in some way… give us someone we can identify with and root for.

How does one do that? Answer: Action. You can have the character talk up a storm, but unless the character actually does something, the readers won’t be interested. At all. So, give us an action scene. SHOW us WHY we should care.

Next off, you need a little direction here with your story. Because, right now, I have no idea what it is about. This isn’t always a bad thing, but don’t just string words together. I have a hunch that you’re not really sure what your story is about either. But fear not, there is an easy way to fix that. It’s called a logline. (Have you ever seen those commercials where the dude is pitching an idea to a big-time Hollywood producer, well… there you have it. He’s giving his logline.)

Simply put, a logline is a fill-in-the-blanks formula. It’s a short (25 words or less) sentence that describes the essence of your story.

Here you go, your basic logline:
A blank character wants blank, but blank is in their way to getting that.

Let’s try again, shall we? A logline is primal. You need to give us something anyone can relate to. So #1 is character, WHO is your story about. #2 is that character’s goal--- what do they want, nay, what do they NEED to achieve? And #3 is the antagonist--- who or what is after the character’s same goal… but wants to get there first? As an even extra element of suspense, throw in the ultimatum. What will happen to they character if they don’t achieve their goal? What consequences will they suffer? This is called the drive.. and it must, must have urgency.

Now, do you need to write all this in on page one? No! Take your time, get to know your characters. But, as I’ve said before, give us a reason to care. Your characters do not exist on a page of white space, but in imagination. Writing is simply a storytelling form to convey ideas. It’s up to you how you choose to present these ideas.

Back to loglines, they also tells us, your listeners, something about your story; and that is this: is it worth spending my time reading?
But before you even start writing out loglines and all that, you need to ask yourself this: Is it worth MY time to write? Because writing takes a lot of time, and a lot of effort. Unless you’re willing to dedicate that time on an idea that YOU really care about, then it’s not worth our time to read. So, write what you know. Write what you care about. But don’t stop there. Stretch yourself. Experiment. And practice. You should set a goal for yourself, where do you, personally, want to go with your writing, and then strive to achieve that goal. If your goal is to write stuff that your friends love to read, then go all for it. But strive for excellence. Write better. Don’t compare yourself, just challenge yourself.

So, if you have nothing to do on your busy schedule, I’m going to assign an excersise. You can do it if you like, or not. Go out and write a bunch of loglines for your favorite books or movies. Trust me, it’s a lot of fun, and it asks you to recall what the original story was all about. (If there was an original story, that is. )

The next thing I’m going to encourage you to do is to read. Read extensively. Even if you don’t like to read, try and enjoy it. But read well. Read in your genre (action/adventure, romance, mystery whatever) but pick up some classics too. Learn from others what worked well, what clichés to avoid, techniques, whatever. Love to read. Really, it’s like, the second rule of writing after “have fun.”

Hope this helps. You’ve got a lot of potential here, as I’ve said before. I loved your description, and while the grammar needed a lot of help, you had a fairly good flow going. Try to work on your dialogue and action a little more, come up with that logline, and go for it.

Wish you luck
~ED

Hi there, Falling.

I'm here to review for you, as requested.

I think the writing is okay. I actually don't have much to say; the user bellow caught a lot of things for me. So, yeah... xD Keep writing!

I walked out the door and felt a cool fall breeze, and the crunch of orange and red leaves underneath my brightly colored Nike Shoes.

We went to a party at Jason's house. It was okay I guess, besides the people who think they're cooler than they actually are.

Okay this one should be right. Never mind that last one -_-

Okay, just like I said I would do.
Here are all the corrections I could make: