Moonlight (Chapter 4)

So I'll be lazy today and simply annotate. Enjoy (heh heh) the review.
RED-Grammar problems. It would be nice if these are fixed.
BLUE-Personal opinions. You can completely ignore these if you want.

Chapter 4

Malvera Town, 1851.
First of all, this is chapter 4, correct? Now, I haven’t read the first three chps., but to me this simple line connotates the beginning of the book, or else a really cheesy, werewolf flashback. ("Werewolf" association from the title, which is also a pretty generic title. You might want to rethink it.)

Will, the new hunter shot at the enemy continuously. If this is a new character, this is fine. However, if he's already been introduced, don't put "the new hunter"---it drains all the punch from your first sentence. Even if it is the first time we've seen this guy, try just "Will shot his enemy continuously" or even something much more dramatic. Again, I know this is chap. #4, but it's good practice to start each off with a bang. (As in BANG. )

He inserted few more Lionfang-interesting, is this a brand having to do with the story or the timeframe? Bullets before taking aim again. Thank you for portraying guns realistically (he actually reloads) it keeps me, one familiar with guns, much more willing to read the story. Research counts! Thank you thank you thank you....
The cold atmosphere in the evening made Will%u2019s body tingle a bit, and he was shaking, unused to THE fight or, FIGHTING, or...just rephrase, it's a little odd right there . It was his first time firing A gun. But his performance was good, for a beginner. Er, first time killing a____? (insert animate object here: tree, bird, guinea pig, etc...) if so, he'd be feeling a little queer. (Taking aim and pulling the trigger on something living and breathing isn't easy the first time, as you DO try to explain here...I think.) Also, he'd be a LOT more reluctant to use that gun, since it's his first time. (The kick alone would make his wrists throb after a while. And his ears should be ringing from firing so much.) Maybe I'm just confused b/c the description is a little vague. Try to give us a little more insight. Esp. since this is his first time handling a gun. Even if he is a "Hunter," there's going to be some "equal and opposite" reactions here. Give us more. Is he just shaking? Or is blood pounding in his ears, heart throbbing, adrenaline pulsing from the high point intensity of excitement? Try to be more specific with your descriptions.Marcus was sure he inherited the Hunter%u2019s Blood. By the way the Revolver that Marcus had given to him yesterday, which was willing to be him; -?????? If this is part of the story, that's fine. Otherwise, this sentence doesn't make sense. Is the revolver capable of choosing its master? Marcus knew that Will would be a great Hunter, just like him.

%u201CYour Hunter%u2019s traits are growing.%u201D Marcus said after the rage was over. Will panted heavily, tired of fighting creatures in the forest. Ech, this is too blunt. You're telling us, not showing us.

%u201CI don%u2019t understand Marcus. What am I?%u201D he asked, with the slightest tone of regret, maybe for not being a normal person.---Ergh! You did it again! Show, don't tell.

%u201CYour parents%u2019 maybe one of Hunter in this world, or maybe your ancestor.%u201D Marcus said, making his way towards Will. Um, this line confused me. It’s a fragment. Maybe you should consider rewording.

%u201CSo?%u201D

%u201CYou%u2019re meant to be a Hunter.%u201D He said.

%u201CDo you think my parents know who am I, if what you say is true?%u201D he asked, staring at the ground.

%u201CI think that%u2019s why they dumped you,%u201D he continued, %u201CHunters shows many differences from a normal human. They%u2019re dangerous, too, if their power is not controlled well,%u201D said Marcus.

%u201CI don%u2019t have powers!%u201D he exclaimed.

%u201CYou do. But you have no chance to use it.%u201D Marcus added.

%u201CWhat do you mean?%u201D

%u201CHunters own special ability, designed to hunt overwhelming population of dangerous creatures in this world such as witch, werewolf, raven, and many more. You can hear their thought. Besides, when you fight, you%u2019ll feel energetic and you%u2019ll be faster and agiler--ahem, more agile.%u201D Marcus clarified.
(There are a lot of grammar problems in the dialogue above. You should go back and check through it all.)

%u201CSo you%u2019re going to train me?%u201D Will asked, a bit interested. ---MORE interested, perhaps?

%u201CIt is better for you to be a Hunter rather than living pointlessly as a beggar, isn%u2019t it?%u201D Marcus said as he smiled.
So, you are a really good writer, and you have a compelling story here, but the dialogue just sort of drags it down. Now obviously, these things come with practice, and there is so much written on the subject of a story's lingo that I will only point out a couple of things.
1. It's great is you have characters who AREN'T grammatically correct, b/c it sounds more natural. (Who, me? as opposed to "Whom, I?" As you can see, the latter is stale, unrealistic, and comically correct.) BUT!Please take the time to make sure what the characters are saying make sense. There are a lot of fragmented sentences and phrases here, it's confusing and frustrating b/c I ALMOST know what you are trying to say, but just can't seem to grasp the general gist. Make sure your words connect, and I mean mentally.
2. When talking dialogue, always go for the subtle. It's lame if you say:
"Help, John, I think my leg is hurt!"
As opposed to:
"Jane's face twisted as she tried to bite back a scream. "Are you hurt?" John asked. There was a long pause. "No." Came the weak reply."
No obviously, the above sample might be a lot overdone, but which one hints at poor Jane's excruciating pain?
There aren't many cases where this happens in the above piece, but that's mostly b/c you don't give it a chance to. Which brings me to...
3. (And sorry about this, but this is a little pet peeve of mine) Augh! The characters are talking plot!!! and, Augh! the characters are talking back story!!! What I mean by this is that it is a very bad idea, and I mean VERY bad idea, to give exposition in dialogue. It's boring, dry, and contrived. (Sorry for putting that so un-subtly. heh) Here's an example of exposition in dialogue:
"Well, George, the gardener is coming today at four, but I will be going to the hair dresser, and won't be able to observe his work." Suzie said.
"But then, Suzie, who will make sure he doesn't steal the prize cabbage patch?" George asked.
Okay, so it's a little goofy. And fortunately, in the section above, it doesn't happen very often, as opposed to "back story through dialogue," which looks something like this:
"Well, as you know, Marge, the grapes in this valley are poisonous." (This is actually a line of exposition.)
Marge gasped.
"That's right! Wasn't McGreggor's dog killed 2 years, 4 months, and 8 days ago by that very means?"
Now, obviously, the back story revealed through dialogue is a lot harder to spot in your story's case. And it can be used in some cases SUBTLY and EFFECTIVELY, but usually not when spoken one line after another. Frankly, it's bad storytelling, as you lazily get off the hook by having your characters gabbing all over the page about their past. Good back story should be revealed gradually, over the course of an entire story. it adds richness and depth to the whole, and the reader appreciates you more b/c you make them feel smart. (Even if they aren't...)
If this seems to be your problem, then maybe it's b/c this chapter is flawed, which was one of my concerns from the very beginning. Now again, I haven't read the first three chapters, but if this chapter's only purpose is to explain the character's past, then you have a problem. Each chapter SCENE needs to have a purpose. By that I mean a driving goal, compelling conflict, and a dilemma/decision. It must start out on a positive note and end on a negative note, or vice versa. A filler chapter containing mainly back story about a person, without any revelation about who they really are, is going to hinder and hurt, rather then help, the story.
Please keep in mind that I have NO idea what the previous chapters were like, and so I have no right to say that this is the problem with your story. Pardon my wayward way of thought, as I slightly got off topic there. However, if it DOES apply to your story....
(And anyway, anyone else who reads this review might find my above point useful...or just the annoying rambling off an Eloquent Dragon...)

BIG BREATH, and on with the rest...
For the moment, Will could sense some kind of excitement which he didn%u2019t understand. What he was certain was that his life wouldn%u2019t -Wasn't going to be the same anymore. It had been 10 years SINCE he lived with his family, yet they%u2019d--They had shown him less attention. Um, then what, before? Don't leave your poor little sentences hanging like that! They are your friends!!! All that he wanted was just a life that he could enjoy in.

So, refer to my point #3 on dialogue. Now here in the action you're giving us more back story. Information which, to be honest, I don't care about. If it was important, then yes, but right now I want to know what Will was shooting at, and why they're in the forest fighting dangerous beasties. Please save the family sob story for hints dropped later on. Again, the biggest problem is b/c you are TELLING not SHOWING.

%u201CI%u2019m following the right path,%u201D he thought, making his way, following--repetitive Marcus deeper into the forest.

Night crept slowly, making the world dark. What? Did we just time jump a couple of hours? Please try to make the time-passing transitions between paragraphs less abrupt. At least there was a moon to illuminate Marcus and Will. Maybe you should reword this. I got a funny mind-picture of them glowing in silver moonlight. LOLThey were hunting, just the way Hunters did. Again repetitive. If you were going for style, you should make it more specific: "They were Hunters, and so they would hunt as such." etc...you don't have to take my lame suggestions.


%u201CWhat%u2019s that?%u201D Will cried after he heard a loud, menacing scream.
WAIT!!! Wait! Wait! Wait! Where are they? At their camp? Traipising through the woods? What are they doing? What are Will's thoughts at this moment? How does he feel? Your characters do not live within the four corners of a piece of paper. Please tell us more, give us more background before jumping into the story.Marcus observed around.---Observed the surroundings, not "around." They sound similar, I know.

%u201CWatch out, kid! It%u2019s the witch!%u201D Marcus warned. The moonlight shone, and shimmering their figure---whaa??? maybe you should try: "the shining moonlight revealed a shimmering figure"in the forest.

%u201CI%u2019d I've, not I'd never faceD a witch before!%u201D Will informed, holding tightly The Revolver.---Er, holding the revolver tightly. Also, don't put "the revolver' in caps unless of course, it had a mind and will of its own. In which case...never mind...

The month Marcus spent to trained Will was undeniably hard, yet soeffective. His progress made Marcus happy, for not taking the wrong person. Agghh! There it is again! SHOW don't TELL. The hard training had to have amounted to something. Has Will changed physically? How does he demonstrate his new-found skills? SHOW SHOW SHOW. Writing is a visual medium.

Two Hunter---???? HUNTERS perhaps?. Well, let%u2019s have fun.

%u201CI could hear her!%u201D Will "sounded" or "was" alarmed. Marcus took out his gun, which he called Lune.

%u201CNot her, them!%u201D Marcus corrected, sensing in which direction the witches would come, not came.

Right. ---who says this? It is a fragment, please amend.

A sudden gush of wind surged towards them both. Marcus lunged to side while Will, the new Hunter---again, the reader already knows this. it is repetitive.
who was not agile enough, was hit by the wind, pushed backwards and ended up--weak verb, how about "thrown" under an oak, with aching back.---Cut and make new sentence. heh.

%u201CWill! Take aim!%u201D Marcus sounded, "shouted,[/worried about him."color]

The witch dematerialized in front of them. She was a young woman, probably Edna%u2019s age, with long-brown hair and green-eyes, in her beautiful, low-cut red dress.

Marcus fired his gun [color=#FF0000]rapidly,---um, how else are ya' going to fire it...slowly. You should scratch this and add a different adverb. but every bullet was evaded.

Displodo!---huh? What is this? A comic book? If it is what the witch says, then add quotes and speaker tags. You also might want to rethink your spells, esp. this one. It's...well...a little cheesy. (Unless she says it with low, menacing calm. In which case it is still cheesy, but less Scooby-Doo-ish

A huge, energy explosion echoed the ground---no, no, no. A ground doesn't echo, it "reverberates", sending Marcus tumbling forward. He sighed as he got back on his feet.
Heh heh heh. I like Marcus. So un-phased and cavalier.
The ground near him was still rippling by WITH the witch spell.

%u201CO lune, d'amplifier ma balle!%u201D Marcus shouted some kind of magic too. Lune was suddenly brightened, sending out blinding light---um, is she going to send out DIM light? Again, try to change up your descriptions a little. to the witch.

It was somehow the connection of the full-moon and his Lune. There was no bullet, but the light from the moon, coming in the form of lucent beam, struck the witch. ---These sentences could do with some expanding, and a good, strong, rephrasing.


%u201CNo!%u201D She screamed. Will gasped in surprise. ---In my opinion, this is terribly cheesy. Since your story clearly isn't a satire, try to keep things serious by rewording.

The moon from---framed. I know, I know, it's exciting to write action sequences, but go back over once you're done to make sure the words are the way you want them.the back of Marcus comma shadowing his face, as he pointed theLune at, not to the witch, who, not which was lying on the ground, terrified.

%u201CDon%u2019t hurt me!%u201D she cried, pleading. Why were the witches attacking them in the first place? Make the witches seem more shady and villianous, or else your good guy looks like a bad guy.
She could see a slight twisted smile on Marcus' face. Will breathed in relieve, confident of, not to his master.

But they didn%u2019t realize the sequences---change to "hadn't recognized the unfamiliar pattern of attack." This isn't a video game, there are going to be changes in formations., another witch came.

If this is the end of the chapter, you should try to change it so that the cliffhanger is more compelling. Which means mainly double checking your grammar.

Anyhow, great job. 4 stars out of 5. Blah blah blah. I won't restate the points I've already made cause I'll end up talking your ear off. Mostly check on the grammar, esp. the tenses of the verbs. Nice story, I'm interested but I get bogged done b/c of all the inconsistencies in the grammar. Look forward to reading more from you. PM me if you need anything or have any questions.
-Elo