Brian

I would get rid of everything in the parentheses. I read it through a few times; one reading the parentheses, one without reading, then one with reading them again. The ...

Not sure why no one has really commented on this yet; guess it's just too long for casual internet reading. But it may have to do something with the content ...

This was really good. "Creeping, seeping – much like liquid This is your epiphany Trying, crying – you are blinded From the moment you start to see " This is ...

I liked it a lot, until: "One second ye was right behind me, the other I had no idea where you went." It wasn't the awkwardness or anything, but that ...

As a note, you should always provide the reader with a summary of what has happened before when posting a chapter 2. Had to go back and reread chapter 1, ...

If it's 'over 16 only,' the rating shouldn't be 'G' ;) You got a good story going here built up with a lot of imagery, and I would've liked to ...

"I’ve never even met these people and I’m supposed high school living at their place? " It's not good to start a story with a very noticeable error! You're missing ...

It's interesting from the insane asylum point of view, but I found it a bit boring, and too jumpy. You go from one scene to the next without any real ...

Great job with diction; you brought the character alive without having to bore us to death over some inane details such as "Joe really liked to play the flute once, ...

Firstly, thank you Muse for bring this poem back up to the top. Might have missed it otherwise... Every stanza is different and seemingly has very little do with the ...

To capitilize the 'I' or not to; that is the question your poem presents! Go with one or the other, but don't go with both. My suggestion: capitalize all 'I's.' ...

You need to decide whether to use punctuation or not. You are using commas very sparingly, and it's confusing why you choose to use a comma in one place, but ...

Gotta be patient ;) Sometimes it can take a couple days to get a review, but a review will come. There are many here who specifically only review those works ...

" I should tell you that I am a thief, a regular thief as the Borough men and women would have said." You should replace the comma with a semi-colon. ...

It's short, and it needs more fleshing out, but it's good. Your diction is pretty good, and your sentence structure is generally well done. There is one sentence that stuck ...