My uncle is a decent fellow, until it comes to horse racing. He devotes his life and money to the sport and the local derbies are his destination every once in a week. As for me, I like horses but I do not like to see them with a helmet getting whipped by some people on their backs. By no means am I an animal's rights activist and I have no intention of being one anyday. So horse races are something I usually stay away from.
My uncle is probably a bit disappointed in me for my indifference to the sport he has given his heart to, and money too. One day, he somehow managed to persuade my mother to let me go with him to the race tracks. Since I did not have anything better to do, I decided not to kick up a very big fuss. We reached the tracks an hour before the main race of the day. The main race had the main attraction of the horse races, a horse they had named 'Dancing Queen'. Since it seemed that there was nothing to see for the next hour except my uncle placing bets and the Sun increasing the intensity of it's rays, I started to amble around. I made my way to the stables. By their actions, I was made to feel that the horses were not too pleased to see me. Suddenly my eyes fell on ' Dancing Queen'. Her picture had appeared in every newspaper recently. Even in the dark, I could see her brown coat glistening and her big round black eyes staring at me.
'Dancing Queen' had acquired a new owner recently. A wealthy and old jockey had bought her recently to make even more money. 'Old Man Tango', as he was known in racing circles, had recently captured the limelight of horse races.
Enchanted, I walked nearer to the horse and slowly extended my hand till it touched her head and started to stroke it. Seeing that she made no objection, in a moment of madness, I jumped onto her back. The horse's backbone stung my bottom but I did not mind in the least. Then, without any warning,'Dancing Queen' leaped forward, made two calculated snorts, jumped over the fence and galloped with all her might. She covered in a second what I had covered in a minute and in no time at all, we were on the race tracks. I clung onto the horse's neck as if it was my life. The crowd, which had been sitting idly, roared in delight to see the star of the show herself making an early appearance. Then I saw a man standing directly in the way of 'Dancing Queen'. I recognized him instantly and my heart ran cold. It was 'Old Man Tango'. As I had expected, the horse stopped right in front of its master. " GET OFF NOW!!", growled the man.
I decided that I would not make a single move until something happened. Something did happen. 'Dancing Queen' raised her right foot and placed a tap on 'Old Man Tango''s chest. The tap must have been of larger proportions in human values because Tango fell down and started to moan in pain, clasping his chest. Feeling that the time had come, I jumped off, ran out over a fence, stopped a speeding taxi, and heaved a huge sigh of relief as I leant back on the taxi seat.
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Ok. I'm a big horse person. The problem I see with this, sorry if any one else has noticed it, is that the jockey's rarely ever own the horses. The owners normally pay jockey's to ride the horses. That's a biggin'. Lol. But I think you have a pretty wide vocabulary. I agree with.. Brian I think? It needs more substance, more flesh. And the ending definitely throws me for a loop. It's like being in a dream about a pool... and then all of a sudden a clown shows up and is just sitting there. It just... doesn't fit. But it all depends on what you're going for. At the beginning of the story I thought that it was a story set back in history a little. But then at the end I just didn't know what to think. I don't know if you were going for truth or for hardcore fiction. Because if you were to jump on a prize horse like that, baaaad things would happen! You'd probably get a giant fine and people would want to kill you for endangering their animals. But best of luck, try to sort out what you want to do and then go for it! Please don't take my criticism harshly, I would rather it be seen as constructive than cruel. =] The title might need a little work too.
Wow! you know a lot.
Why do u hate horses? Is it the smell?
Ain't it luvly the way they gallop along with the Sun in the background, their tails blowing in the wind. Only, I've seen that only in movies, Real life horses signify SMELL to me!!! BAD SMELL, Really BBAADD!!! :sick:
Don't worry about it. Many people write storys with no knowlege. Me, for example.
Good story!
mutters* i hate horses
I gotta be honest here. I've never been to the stables. So the errors in the geography of the place.
By no means am I an animal's rights activist and I have no intention of being one anyday. So horse races are something I usually stay away from.
I don't really get the point of this sentence. I get what it's saying [I think], but it seemed irrelevant to the rest of it.
Even in the dark, I could see her brown coat glistening and her big round black eyes staring at me.
In the first part, I assumed that the character was actually in the stables, therefore looking in through a stall.
Enchanted, I walked nearer to the horse and slowly extended my hand till it touched her head and started to stroke it. Seeing that she made no objection, in a moment of madness, I jumped onto her back
Still thinking that he's looking in front of a stall, this part kind of lost me.
Then, without any warning,'Dancing Queen' leaped forward, made two calculated snorts, jumped over the fence and galloped with all her might.
This part completely lost me... where exactly are these horses? In a paddock, the stables, or somewhere else?
Some grammar/spelling errors... But, yeah, I liked it. I think you should revise it a bit, but it's good otherwise.
It's short, and it needs more fleshing out, but it's good. Your diction is pretty good, and your sentence structure is generally well done. There is one sentence that stuck out as poorly written, though:
" My uncle is probably a bit disappointed in me for my indifference to the sport he has given his heart to, and money too."
Do not end with "too" and you don't need that first "to." Also, no comma is necessary here as you are not introducing an independent clause.