The parentheses are daring, because they're a technique you either enjoy or dislike. I love them. They kind of...give the reader a subconcious understanding of the uncertain balance of the speaker's mind.
It also succeeds as a prosaic piece. There is no perceivable structure, yet it flows and reads differently than prose would.
Nice imagery.
I agree with plainfinmidshipman (that's a long one!) in that breaking up the lines differently would allow for greater impact. Sometimes simple measures like that go a long way.
the drips and eddies, tides of lunar gold across the shore. This is my mind
The rest of the poem creates a rather consistant picture of a wide sea, yet this line involves lunar gold? If it wasn't your intention to draw especial attention to this line, you may reconsider word choice. I may simply understand the poem differently (well, of course I do!,) but other parts just seem more...important.
Points: 890
Reviews: 34
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