A horrible place, this old house. (Over 16 Only)

It is a horrible place, this old house. The floors are soaked with rain and faeces, the windows are either dangerous jagged shards or filthy with god-knows-what. The boys have lurked here for years, not noticing the dirt and stink creep in, and innocent of the houses more criminal residents. It has been a refuge for forbidden conversations and experimentations, each more frowned on that the last, and all deathly sins.

First, they came here to eat sweets and play war games, and over time they have progressed to stolen pornography, their first heart-racing feel of a slippery condom, and even, for some, the terrifyingly tantalizing temptation of sodomistic urges.

As their needs and curiosities have grown and expanded, so this house has transformed to seedy grotto, as if to better satisfy their repressed desires. Or maybe to reflect back better the world as it appears to them.

Today, they have come again for no overt reason, to hang out and kill time before returning home from school. It looks the same; the smell is the same from the outside. The dull, dead windows betray no new secrets, and the sinister silence is their usual welcome.

They glance around, it would be a disaster to be spotted by a younger sibling, and though adults rarely use this path they are always careful. The coast is clear; they scramble over the crumbling wall and wade through the jungle garden, brambles tearing at them. They don’t bother with the front door, it’s locked, and the front windows are boarded again. Instead, they cross to the side of the building and climb through the opening where the living room window had been.

But it’s different today, something has changed. There is a sickening smell that makes the boys gag. They all stand in what was once a living room, looking at each other, waiting for someone else to say something. Except for their shuffling feet the house is quiet, and this quiet is now stifling; daring them into action; mocking their childish terrors. One boy cannot bear it and vomits up the wall, spraying himself in the process. His choked gurgling breaks the tension though, and the other boys melt with giggles, gasps of relief it wasn’t them who broke first.

Their vomit-soaked friend forgotten, they begin their usual trudging through the house to favorite spring-less chairs and intact boxes. The house is theirs, and now that they are not afraid, they laugh loudly at salacious jokes and pick noisy fights as they wander on their exploration. Each new visit always leads them to fresh treasure; dead birds and dogs, cigarette butts, used condoms, bottles of urine, discarded pink panties and bloody needles have been their haul so far.

From upstairs comes a yell, not a scream but a wet yelp, and then thunder as a boy stumbles down the bare wooden stairs. He is raving and beckoning to the other boys; his eyes pulsing in their sockets. He gestures back up the stairs and they cannot tell if he is terrified or excited to the point of climax.

Without hesitation the boys start up the stairs. As they climb the stench becomes overpowering, making the boards feel slippery under their feet, and making them reluctant to touch the walls and banister with their bare skin. It seems warmer up there, their flesh prickles and their breaths feel sticky, and inadequate.

When they reach the top the don’t know where to look, but the smell draws them instinctively on down the corridor to it’s source, like the teasing smell of pussy. The first boy reaches out to open the door, his hand covered by his sleeve as though the handle is hot. The boys behind him push up against his back, urging onwards into the next room. In that small space he can smell their rancid sweat, feel the heat of their bodies and their breath pressing him, forcing him forward.

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User avatar
kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review · Thu Aug 20, 2020 9:14 am

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: So this is quite an interesting story. I don't even want to attempt to imagine the smell of this place because that is some very, very powerful imagery that is depicting something truly horrifying. The story itself had a pretty smooth flow to it until that very abrupt ending.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It is a horrible place, this old house. The floors are soaked with rain and faeces, the windows are either dangerous jagged shards or filthy with god-knows-what. The boys have lurked here for years, not noticing the dirt and stink creep in, and innocent of the houses more criminal residents. It has been a refuge for forbidden conversations and experimentations, each more frowned on that the last, and all deathly sins.


Well that's certainly a pretty interesting way to start a story off. Definitely gets you very interested in what this creepy house is all about and definitely a very dramatic use of vocabulary there.

As their needs and curiosities have grown and expanded, so this house has transformed to seedy grotto, as if to better satisfy their repressed desires. Or maybe to reflect back better the world as it appears to them.


Hmm...the way this house is being described is making it almost seem like a character which is quite an interesting take on things.

But it’s different today, something has changed. There is a sickening smell that makes the boys gag. They all stand in what was once a living room, looking at each other, waiting for someone else to say something. Except for their shuffling feet the house is quiet, and this quiet is now stifling; daring them into action; mocking their childish terrors. One boy cannot bear it and vomits up the wall, spraying himself in the process. His choked gurgling breaks the tension though, and the other boys melt with giggles, gasps of relief it wasn’t them who broke first.


Well that is certainly very interesting. And the vomiting part does a great job of grounding this somewhat in reality by showing how real people would be acting in this sort of situation.

From upstairs comes a yell, not a scream but a wet yelp, and then thunder as a boy stumbles down the bare wooden stairs. He is raving and beckoning to the other boys; his eyes pulsing in their sockets. He gestures back up the stairs and they cannot tell if he is terrified or excited to the point of climax.


And the plot thickens.

Not the greatest of endings that one. Didn't really seem like one. Its not even like cliffhanger it just reads like you accidentally deleted the last bit of it.

Aaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: So like I said this flows pretty good and the language that you use is also doing a great job. The descriptions are amazing even though they are horrifying and it very easily paints a picture in your head. The only thing I felt was off about this was the ending. Besides that it was a great story to read.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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ikklebeastie
Comment

Hi Brian, thanks for the head's up! I don't understand the guidance ratings - in the UK we have PG, 12 and 18 only. What rating would be apropriate?:oops:
Thanks for the comments as well. :) I'm afraid that I've forgotten all of my grammer lessons from school, even though it wasn't that long ago!! LOL
I've actually remodeled this story into the novel I'm writing at the moment, although just about everything has changed but the ending!

User avatar
Brian
Review
Brian wrote a review · Wed Dec 14, 2005 1:45 am

If it's 'over 16 only,' the rating shouldn't be 'G' ;)

You got a good story going here built up with a lot of imagery, and I would've liked to read more. While your ending was good, it didn't leave me satisifed. I wanted to read more!

There were some grammar mistakes, but that can be fixed by giving it to your parents or a friend to read. But, what you have here so far is pretty good.

User avatar
Jojo
Comment

I didn't get what happened in the end.
Apart from that, there are a few mistakes that can be put down to construction mistakes as well as typing errors. And I think, it would be better if we got to know at least one of the boys better.

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ikklebeastie
Comment

Any comments and feedback welcome ......? :D



I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
— Steven Wright