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Young Writers Society



Round 2: Be Nimble 1

by ~Volant~


King was up long before sunrise, sitting on the floor next to his large pile of books. He had pulled the lamp down to the floor next to him, and it cast a warm glow to combat the grays of morning. The book in his hands was starkly new and made of cardboard and paper and was undecorated…very unlike the heavy, precious tomes at home.

He stopped reading as his mind began to wander. Perhaps, he thought, he shouldn’t have been spending so much money on books, but he had never seen so many in his life. Even in the monastery, their library of fifty or so books was an enormous wealth and a tragedy when one was stolen; here, he had access to hundreds of books, in any language he knew, about anything he wanted…for cheap. And he hadn’t felt too guilty about spending money on books, because food was also plentiful and fairly cheap.

This place is drowning in resources,He thought, closing the book.

Was he…actually bitter? He took a moment to think about it. Yes, he realized, he might have been a little bitter about how careless people were with their bounty. Not wasteful, simply…careless.

He turned off the lamp and stood slowly, stretching his stiffened legs. Wolfboy was curled on the bed, as still as the dead. Though, he could tell, she must have dreamed last night; the blankets had been kicked off and

lay in a tangled lump at the foot of her bed.

He thought briefly about waking her, then decided against it. With the silver in her shoulder, her energy was being drained, so she’d need her sleep. Anyway, she’d know where to find him.

It crossed his mind that he shouldn’t leave her alone for too long, but he didn’t think she’d cause trouble. Usually, when confronted with so many new people, she’d try to pick more fights than at home…especially now that she was so much shorter than everyone else instead of being the average height. But something had diluted her normal, belligerent attitude.

Whether it was because she was attacked in the alleyway, or the lecture he’d given her, or the idea of Merula sick, or some combination, it didn’t matter.

Whatever it was, he hoped it would last.

He set the book quietly on the desk, turned off the lamp, and started out the door.

As an afterthought, he spared a few seconds to untangle the blankets and cover up his teammate.

There was a gentle silence in the hospital. Not only was it early, most of the wounded contestants had been fixed up and readied for the next round. The rest of the patients had ailments that were less violent and were calm in the early morning. There were no visitors and only a few nurses who ignored King with a purpose in their step.

Merula’s door was locked fast, as it should be. It was a dangerous room to walk into. He tried the handle, and when it didn’t give, rapped on the door a couple of times.

“Are you awake?” he asked. His words echoed oddly in the hallway.

He heard shuffling from the room, and Merula’s voice called out, “King?”

“Yes, just me.”

“…hold on.”

“Alright. I’ll be out here.”

She didn’t answer, and he mused over the tone of her voice. Something was wrong.

“Hey, King!” Someone shouted in the hall.

He flinched at the loud noise as it echoed through the hallways. Hopefully, the patients had gotten enough rest…

Wolfboy was running down the hall, her bare feet slipping and slapping on the tiled floors. Her teeth were bared in a wide grin.

“Shush, my dear,” he sighed, exasperated. “This is a[i]hospital.[/i]Keep your voice down and walk at a reasonable speed. Please.”

She grinned, hopped up on the bench outside Merula’s door, and crouched there, grinning. “We ain’t fightin’ this round!” She said.

King cocked his head. “That’s odd. Your words aren’t matching your reaction. Didn’t you want to fight?”

“Er, yeah,” Wolfboy said, flustered. This had obviously not gone the way she planned. “Negh. I’ll tell you later. But, here, this was at our door when I got up.” She flapped the paper in his face.

He grasped her arm to stop the movement, then gently took it from her fingers. “Thank you,” he said tersely, then began reading the words.

“Speaking of which, awesome of you to just leave me there, Old Man,” she muttered.

King smiled. “Well, you knew where I was, didn’t you?” He rubbed her head fondly. “And don’t call me Old Man. That’s a new habit I don’t want you developing.”

Wolfboy shuddered and shook her head, slapping King’s hand away. “Quit it!” She snapped.

King smiled and had a retort sitting on his tongue, but that was the moment that Merula opened the door.

She stepped shyly out, closing it quickly behind her. Her hood had been pulled down over her head for the first time in years, overshadowing her pale face. The light blue scarf was wrapped tightly around her neck, and she held out a gloved hand to show King.

“You said they were black,” she said quietly.

“They were. Apparently, the magic and the potions did something odd to the dye.” He smiled. “I like it, though. Heaven knows, you needed more color.”

Merula picked up the end of the scarf and looked at it, debating if it was better than her familiar black. “I guess,” she said slowly. “I’m just…erm…not used to it…”

She suddenly grew quiet, looking past King’s shoulder, then turned away, embarrassed.

“Hm?” King turned to see what she was looking at, and grinned.

Champion Mondshein was walking slowly and deliberately, looking straight ahead.

[i]She’s in a hospital, visiting someone she cares,[/i] said a voice in his mind. [i]it’s not the time or place. Leave her in her arrogance and look to your own matters.[/i]

…But he couldn’t resist. [i]Something[/i] was telling him to remind her he was here when she didn’t want him around.

“Hello, Champion!” he said brightly with a jaunty wave. “How did you sleep last night?”

Mondshein didn’t answer until she had passed them…and that answer came in the form of a finger.

King laughed heartily and gave a little bow. “And a very pleasant morning to you, too!” he called after her.

Wolfboy gave him an odd look. It must have seemed out of character for him to antagonize her with no

apparent reason. He turned to Merula. “You said Lotti was coughing?” he asked.

Merula shook from her daze. “…hm?” she said. “Oh…he was poisoned.”

King nodded. “I was right, then,” he said. “You were being paranoid.”

“Well, you don’t have to sound so relieved about it,” she huffed, looking away. “He was [i]poisoned.”[/i]

Both teammates looked at her sharply, taken aback by her oddly fiery reply. She looked away. “It’s nothing to be happy about…Mondshein and Gebroken were really upset.”

King answered smoothly and slowly, making each word clear. “I was worried we had a new, unfamiliar form of Death on our hands… Death has no cure and spreads like a wildfire. [i]Of course[/i] I’m relieved he was simply given a non-fatal dose of a known poison with a documented antidote.”

Merula looked at King, then at Wolfboy, then down at her hands, twisting the end of her scarf around her finger. “I’m sorry.”

King shrugged it off and looked down at the paper. “So, Wolfboy, care to explain to me what this is?”

Merula leaned over. “Yes, Alto made an announcement this morning while you were on your way over,” she said. “All the teams were assigned items…we have to get some black ferns from the cliffside.”

“So we’re not fighting this round? Who are we racing?”

Merula had memories of the fights, though she hadn’t been paying attention at the time. “The Agency...the team who beat the knight, the horse-man, and the man with the green face mask.”

King laughed a little and leaned back. [i]We were lucky.[/i] They were a strong team.

Round two was full of fighters stronger than round one…and his team had barely limped out of round one.

A straightforward battle in the arena would be bad, especially now that he and his companions had so much

to lose.

Merula pointed to a number, the only marking on the page she was able to read. “Is that our time?” she asked.

King skimmed through, looking for an explanation for the number. Surely they wouldn’t start their round that late…?

He was wrong.

“Yes, that’s our time,” he said slowly. “To keep the game fair, we are meeting at the same time and place. We have to be at the gates at four forty-five.”

Merula sat down heavily beside him, twisting her scarf in her hands. “King,” she whispered, “I’ll only have seven birds this round.”

Realization settled. King leaned back, gazing up the hall where Mondshein had gone, smiling. [i]I see…and that’s how you play your game.[/i]

It wasn’t illegal. Technically, the round hadn’t been rigged. Someone had to have the later time, after all. No one had cheated; she had played fair.

“King?” Wolfboy was still crouched on the bench, her chin on her knees.

“Hm?”

She fiddled with a loose thread on her pant leg, thinking carefully about her words. [i]odd,[/i] he thought. She [i]never[/i] did that.

“I…well, we ain’t fightin’ this round,” she said slowly. “We’re just racin’. We’ll be…y’know…far away from everyone, and Digger, and all that…”

King smiled. He knew exactly what she was going to ask. “Yes? And what about that?”

Wolfboy took a deep breath. “Can we [i]please[/i] take the silver out? It really does hurt…a lot…and, well, once we’re out of Digger’s territory…it shouldn’t be a problem, right?”

He nodded slowly. She was right, of course; the only reason Wolfboy was losing control was because she was in someone else’s territory. And, who was he fooling? He needed her at her strongest.

“I was actually planning on it,” he lied. No need to let her know she persuaded him; she would argue worse, about everything, for months. “I doubt you’ll need it, since I hope we can simply beat them there and not have to worry about fighting. But, if it’s really that painful for you, and if it’s sapping your strength so heavily, I figured it would be best.”

Wolfboy’s lifted up her face and lit up. “Really?! I…no talking to Digger or nothin’? Just, find a nurse and take it out?!”

“Well, eventually, I’ll need you to get on good terms with him,” he said, “but, yes. Find a nurse and we’ll take the silver out from your shoulder.”

Wolfboy bounced off the bench, grinning. “[i]Finally![/i]” She cheered. “Come on, let’s go, then!! I want it [i]out!![/i]”

“Shush. We are in a hospital,” King said wearily, standing up slowly. “Please behave yourself.”

He turned to help Merula up, then stopped to observe her. She had blanked out, staring into empty space.

He cautiously offered her a hand. “Are you alright?”

Merula startled, as if something had broken, and looked up at him. “…hm? Oh, um….I’m alright…well…” she giggled suddenly. “As well as I’m supposed to be.”

He helped her up, a little worried. There was something she wasn’t telling him…

He didn’t fret too much about it, though. His team never could keep secrets from him very well. Whatever it was, she would tell him eventually.


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13 Reviews


Points: 7953
Reviews: 13

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Fri Feb 24, 2012 4:42 pm
Inkswirl wrote a review...



Hello :)

First up, I agree with Pink so I'm not going to repeat those points - about the italics and further elaboration on the world etc. But I'm going to point out the sentences that don't make sense - make sure you proof read before posting.

Even in the monastery, their library of fifty or so books was an enormous wealth and a tragedy when one was stolen; here, he had access to hundreds of books, in any language he knew, about anything he wanted…for cheap;


Not wasteful, simply…careless.


What's the difference between wasteful and careless here? Also, when he leaves her asleep in the room but is worried right before he leaves, is he worried about her or about what she might do to others or what?

Also, in addition to all the questions about the book, what's going on with the silver?

I also really like your characters, but none of them except King are well developed. I think there should be some more emphasis on his relationship with them, and their relationship, to get a better feel of what all these charries are like and all that. I know this is the middle of the story and there probably was more development earlier, but even slightly elaborating, deepening the comments you make - like the very last sentence. How can he be so sure? If she usually tells him everything, why isn't he more worried, wouldn't the fact that she is hiding something imply it were serious and if so, any delay in discovering what that is might be dangerous too?

Generally, though, it's quite good, I'd like to find out exactly what's going on with the races and hospitals and all that. So, yeah, a bit more on the charries, background, and editing :)

~Ink




~Volant~ says...


Thank you so much! You're totally right...I'll see what I can do to fix it.



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816 Reviews


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Thu Feb 23, 2012 6:12 pm
Shearwater wrote a review...



Hi, Volant! I'm here to review!

So, I do have a few things I want to say about this piece and I'll start with the good. I do like your characters. They're very different and interesting and they prove to be dynamic characters that will take your story through new grounds which is great. However, besides that, I'm not sure what else is technically interesting about this piece rather than the world - which apparently has a lot of explaining to do. Wolfboy who is actually a girl, libraries, contests/games and competition alongside with a hospital. What you need to do with all of this is create a foundation in which your reader can connect and understand with this plot, these characters and this world you've made. Without a proper foundation and explanation to the world, readers will find themselves confused, bored and might give up on the story. When creating a foundation, treat your readers as if they are children and you're explaining, not necessarily in details, but in a simple yet definite way of how the world works - in addition, keep your story rolling and characters building. It's not an easy task, I know. So, you'll have to work on that.

As well as foundation of your story, you also need to work on compatible sentence structures. There are a few sentences in this piece that don't make sense. For example:

He tried the handle, and when it didn’t give, rapped on the door a couple of times.

Without the pronoun, "he" before "Rapped" the sentence is a little weird to read. I know you probably wanted to add some variation to this and mix it up but you'll have to make sure it reads right too. In this case, I think it's best to insert the pronoun.

One thing that did peek my curiosity is the books. Why is it that books are cheap for King to get and not cheap for others? Why is it a great misfortune if the monastery is robbed of a book but King can buy it in a snap? Where is the market difference and why is there a difference? Are books value different? I don't understand the economics here. :'c
Also - I know this is weird but why is wolfboy a girl? Why can't she be wolfgirl?

I found out you wanted a few things italicized in this passage but unfortunately, YWS does not work with html - you'll have to render this with the BBcode format so instead of angle brackets ">/<" you'll have to substitute them with brackets "[ - ]". So to italicize something you'd use this code:
Code: Select all
[i]Italicized word(s) go here.[/i]

^^

Overall though, this story does have some interesting concepts to it and I think you can make it even better given that you spend some time to build a foundation and work form there. Let me know if you have any further questions and PM me if you need anything.

All the best,
-Pink




~Volant~ says...


Thank you SO MUCH!!! I really appreciate the review!! <3

....ffff....I thought I fixed the italic stuff....thanks for pointing that out! <3 And you're totally right about everything else....I fixed the little things.

This is part of an entry for an OCT...which is like competitive storybooking. And we're into round two, so I kinda dropped you right in the middle of the story (sorry!!) and the foundation of the world has already been laid down.....though I do need to work on building the world while I'm writing. XD



Shearwater says...


Ohhh! Alrighty then, I'm sorry I wasn't exactly too sure how competitive storybooking worked. I had a slight indication that I was in the middle of the story so I actually tried to go back and see if you posted any other chapters of this but there wasn't any. ^^

I'm glad the review helped!




I always prefer to believe the best of everybody; it saves so much trouble.
— Rudyard Kipling