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139,595 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
XD Thanks Jiggity, very much. Exactly the kind of critics I'm looking for. It's my first play, and I want to know exactly what's wrong with it. Thanks for not sparing my feelings!!
Cooldude>> Yay!!!! You're the closest guesser ever on the ages!!!!! Thank you!!!
Warning... I write plays, but I've never tried to critique them in my life. I hope this does help though, even if it is shorter.
Age: I'd say Mute is young, maybe 14, but sage is about 30. Not sure with Prate. But I learned this from later in the play, not the beginning, and it seems that that would be a rather relevant point to understand the interactions between Mute and Sage. You might want to make ages more clear sooner if you can.
Beats: I don't think you use to many beats. Then again, I tend to assume that who ever is acting a play has no idea how to act, so maybe I'm not the best judge of that...
Anyways, I like your script. The idea's good and even though it doesn't seem startlingly uncommon a theme, it's not over used and I could turn out very well.
I didn't like this. I thought it was - although an interesting premise - poorly done.
Dialogue is the heart and soul of the play. And I struggled to find even one line that I believed. That's because most of the interaction seems to be about the interaction. Why are you asking so many questions? Why are you being so angry? Why, why, why -
The reason for that is very obvious - you have nothing to say. At least, your characters certainly don't. But you shouldn't be afraid of that. Silence, in a play, is a very effective, very dramatic tool that's great for tension, comedic effect, etc.
Later on, when asked a question, Mute replies: the usual.
Why is that insufficient in this case? You don't need to tell us everything. Just let the usual unfold, let the questions and answers flow naturally and the actors will let us know via bored expressions and through vocal intonation that they've done this a hundred times. The thing about beats and parenthetical instructions is that they hinder the actors creative ability to interpret the dialogue in the way they feel best. You have to leave room for them to move and to breathe life into your characters. As a consequence of the above
[/s]
Get rid of all that. Every word has to count. Get rid of the fluff and really delve into these characters. I didn't like Sage's interaction with blaine.
Here you have two world-weary prisoners, with a routine, being interrupted by the arrival of a new prisoner. A spectacle, yes. And their reactions can tell us so much! If they merely pause for a moment, watch him struggle on the ground for a bit, then resume talking, we - laugh, first, because that would be amusing - and second, learn that the arrival of a new prisoner means nothing to them, which in turn means that they've either been there for a very, very long time or new prisoners come and go regularly.
Also, Blain is arrogant and rude - Sage has absolutely no reason to speak to him, to bother to help him in any way, shape or form. All Blain has to say is shut up. It's dumb and annoying; he needs to become a real character and quickly. Also, he wouldn't be shouting his escape plans for all and sundry to hear! I mean, come on.
This needs work.
Oh, and one last thing - Plays usually begin with a character list containing all characters of relevance, their descriptions and ages.
Luck with it,
I really love this so far. I love the interaction between Sage and Mute. Mute's fear every time he thought Sage was gone really touched me. I know I'd be the same way if I had been locked up.
As for critique, nothing big jumped out at me.
This struck me as Sage being more sarcastic then dumb. Like "Oh great, another idiot who thinks he can escape." Or perhaps humoring Blaine.
As for the beats, this is YOUR work of art. Throw in as many as you like! What may not have worked for Shakespeare may work terrifically for you. I've seen plenty of scripts where the writer adds in all sorts of 'smiles' or 'giggles girlishly' or something, and it works.
I pictured the characters in their late twenties, but looking much older due to being locked up and neglected.
I'll be going to read your other chapters now.
Hello!
Disclaimer: I do not know how to really crit a play..I write mostly movie scripts..so I will do my best. Sorry if some stuff is wrong.
The age question:
I feel like Sage is maybe mid to late thirties
Mute is about sixty
Prate is somewhere inbetween
and Blaine is twenties
The "beat" question:
Here is the thing, I don't think it is necessary to put any of those types of things in a script. You have a lot of (beat)'s and (smiles)'s and other directions in parenthesis. I think yeah it helps when you are reading to get the feelings down easier. But the thing is when an audience sees this play they aren't going to have the script to tell them the emmotions or what the people are doing. The audience has to see it for themselves. Also as the writer all you are doing is giving the characters and the story to the actors and directors and such. You should leave it up to the actors to some extent to think about how they think the character would feel or what they would do at certain times. That is just my opinion, it is your play so it is all up to you.
I really like this though, I think it is going to be a good play the only thing right now is I can't really see where it is going..I can see them all trying to escape but not till later on. For right now I feel like this is a mental story, you really have to think about what is going on.
Be careful...
All of your characters are in a cell, a very small, confined space. You have to use that space constructively and make it work for them. I think I do see an escape in the future with this new guy coming in, but wait for the right moment, don't rush. You can really do a lot with them stuck in their cells, really mess with their minds. Especially Blain, I feel like he could really lose it before they make it out of there.
I'm sorry that this will be a short crit and not very helpful.
Anyway... I really liked it. ^_^ About the age, I wasn't so sure if I really thought about it. I wouldn't guess in the twenties, but then again it could be teenagers. But then again they do seem sort of older than that. Not too old, but... older. It's kind of hard to explain it.
At first I actually thought Sage was a girl, just because of the name though. I was wondering what else Prate was doing throughout the play actually. Even though I know you meant for him to the quiet one who doesn't talk, I was just naturally curious. By the way, why does Mute have a blind fold on? Did something happen to his eyes? *starts to feel like is critiquing this like a story* Sorry, I don't usually crit scripts.
Oh! I almost forgot to add that I don't think you were puting too many (beat)s. As Kylan had said, it's your script and since you wrote it you should be able to decide how many you think is needed. There's not a specific amout of beats that your allowed to have, just don't go crazy with them.
Overall, I liked it. ^_^ Tell me when you post more!
-kittykat
Haha thank you very, very much. That helped a lot. Like, you have no idea how much that helped.
But Sage isn't stupid....he's educated...Dangit. -.- I'll see what I can do to fix that. I don't want my audience to think a character is stupid when he's actually very, very smart.
Thank you sooo much!!
Hello there!
Can you tell how old they are? Like, are their ages clear?
I'm guessing they're in their mid-thirties to forties, but I have a feeling you were intending them to be teenagers, right?
And am I using too many (beat)s?
No. Besides, it's your play and you can use as few or as many stage directions as you'd like.
[All lights, all camera, and no action]
Your first play, huh? I've tried to write plays once or twice, though they usually sputter out once I get ten-fifteen pages into them. They're considerably different than writing a story or a poem. Dialogue is a tricky thing to master and once you have the basics down, new playwrights need to learn how to use dialogue to move the plot forward and how to entertain the audience.
The dialogue here is vaguely interesting. I think your main flaw, however, is a lack of real action or profound character development. From start to finish, the only the thing that changes in the story line is that a new character is introduced. Otherwise, all you have is about ten minutes worth of witty stings spoken in cockney accents. Also, if your characters are adults, they act pretty immature, especially for criminals.
[The Name Game]
At one point here, you introduce your character's names to Blaine. This is a very storybook-esque thing to do, and what's more, it fails to contribute anything valuable to the plot. Please, cut the introductions out. They smack of amateurity.
Also, try not to name your characters after their personality traits, or the opposite of. Mute is a talker, Prate is a mute, and Sage is stupid. Don't go there.
[The Nitty-Gritty]
This sounds false. Perhaps it's the use of the word mocking. Perhaps it's because Mute dropped his 'g'. Whatever the reason, I don't like this exchange.
(Beat) and (Pause) to my knowledge mean the same thing. Chose between the two.
Just leave it at 'You're welcome'.
This is just dumb for the sake of being dumb. Please, this isn't funny. Sage can't be that stupid and I imagine that exchange falling very flat on stage for some reason.
What? Have you ever seen prison cells with moss on the walls? I dunno, but that description doesn't work for me. And just extend "o'" to "of" please.
This is a complete personality switch for Blaine. First he's frantic and hardened and in a hurry and then the next minute he decides to stay and chat a while instead of pressing for what he wants.
Anyway, let me know when you post part two!
-Kylan