I stared out into the dark black night as I silently slipped through the trees. Behind me the shimmering waters of Leona Lake reflected a glowing orb of light, the moon, casting deep shadows in which anything could be lurking. A lone wolf howled longingly at the moon and the bone chilling wind sliced at my skin with razor sharp edges. I allowed myself to shiver.
“Atanir, we need to finish this mission.”Eylania, my beautiful silver dragon, whispered to me. “We need to keep moving if we are going to make it in time.”
“You are right of course.” I responded. “Let’s go.”I continued slinking between the trees.
Suddenly out of the bushes a tall man with an ugly scowl jumped at me, sword swinging. I quickly drew my sword and slashed at his legs before he could block it. The feel of my sword slicing through his legs was not a pleasant sensation. I thrust my sword up as he fell, piercing him through the chest and pinned him against a tree. I grimaced as I pulled sword out of the man and wiped off some of the gore. I nimbly stepped over his corpse and continued on my journey.
I wondered aloud where he came from and what he wanted. “I have to be on the alert.” I mumbled. “I don’t want to be caught off guard again.” Wandering from tree to tree I whispered a soothing melody my mother used to sing every night.
“The Morning is coming soon,
so lay down your head.
Don’t think of your worries,
your troubles,
and your cares.
Just think of this song
all night long.
Even when you visit slumber land
, think of this song.”
I whispered the charming music to myself. When I finished the song, I thought about my mission, my mission to save the city of Dras-Leona! A monstrous shade was devastating the country side through magic. My goal was to destroy him so that Dras-Leona would not be subject unto his terror. The Shade, Haredr, even though he was young, had absolutely amazing capabilities of magic. I had to destroy him. I had to destroy him, no matter what.
Taking one last step out of the forest I gasped as I saw the amazing spectacle of glowing lanterns emitting from the large, over-flowing city. Eylania swooped down and quickly and gently wrapped her thick, powerful talons around my middle and raised me off the ground. She threw me into the air where I flipped gracefully through and landed softly onto Eylania’s saddle.
“Nice landing.” She commented. “Are you ready to take on the title of Shadeslayer?”
“No way!” I replied while strapping myself into the saddle. “But let’s do it anyway.” Eylania swooped to the left in a beautiful arc. The clouds kissed my face in pure joy. Then, leaving the clouds with a roar, Eylania dived towards the city. Looking closely as we dove you could see bright swirls of white light streaking through the darkness. “He must be creating that light,” I commented, “but why?”
“Not the foggiest idea.” my beautiful, silver dragon mused. Swooping low, we circled the white light. I began to realize a pattern in the light. First it curled to the left, then right over and over. Soon, the only thing I could concentrate on was the light. “Atanir! Stop thinking of that light! You are under a spell! Stop it or we’ll both die!” Eylania screamed mentally.
I shook my head and tried to empty my mind. I stared at Eylania’s eye and felt myself fall into a deep waking sleep. I was back in the garden with my father, planting daffodils. I could smell the musky scent that always hung heavily around my father. I could feel the cool, moist earth sliding through my fingers. I could hear the stream that ran by our garden and my father’s heavy breathing. I felt at peace in this lovely memory, the last pleasant memory of my father.
The image of our garden swirled into blackness and I saw my parents lying lifelessly on their bedroom floor. Blood spouted from my mother’s neck, the color slowly draining from her once rosy cheeks. My father had a sad look in his eyes as if he was sorry for something. His eyes were calling out to me yet I could not rush to his battered and beaten side. I was being held back by the cruel hands of a soldier who’s menacing laugh echoed through the room. Twisting and turning, I struggled and wailed, trying to get to my parents.
“Atanir! Wake up!” came a faint scream as the waking dream came to an end. I opened my eyes and snapped my head up. We were being attacked by magic. I immediately tried to grab for my sword, only to be stopped by invisible chains. I swirled my head around to witness a figure, garbed in a tight, long, black cloak, rise up into view.
“Welcome,” a voice hissed, “to Dras-Leona. You came to try and stop me, but I have come to stop you.” The figure cackled and threw back his hood to reveal his twisted face. “I am the dreaded Shade, Haredr. You Atanir and you Eylania, are now my slaves.”
“We are doomed Atanir.” came a soft, hopeless whisper from Eylania.
“Not while we can use magic. Although he can detect if we use large amounts of magic, he cannot detect the very smallest.” Haredr began moving us forward.
“Of course! That’s right!”
“I’m going to mentally scream across the land, all the way to where the other dragons are right now, in Du Weldenvarden.” I replied.
“It’s worth a try.”
I began the spell to send my voice across the land, then mentally screamed, “The dreaded Shade, Haredr has captured us! Save us if you can! We cannot save ourselves!
“That should work, Atanir. Good job!”
I mumbled to myself, “I sure hope it does. If it didn’t the we really are doomed.”
Soon a crash echoed through the valley and a dragon soared down just as the sun reached over the horizon, causing the light to bounce of every polished scale. A rider I recognized as Aryn jumped down and freed me then yelled, “We have to fight together! That's the only way to defeat him! Do you want to attack his mind or fight him with your sword?"
“Both! Attack his mind but don’t let him in! We have to peirce his heart! Be careful! The only reason he got us was because of a white, swirling light!” I yelled. He replied and we began our attack.
I turned my attention to attacking Haredr. I rushed towards him sword drawn. I reached him and began exchanging blows. Thrust, parry, strike! I raised my sword to slash at his face when he lowered his sword, gave me a confused look, and then crumbled away into green ashes. I jumped back to avoid being sprayed with his crumbling remains,
“What happened?” I asked in a daze. “I mean, he just turned into green ashes!” I adjusted my gaze to gape at Eylania and we began to talk mentally.
“Whatever we do, we should not touch his remains.”
“I agree.” I commented. “We should stay far away from them.”
Turning to Aryn and Brare, I began exchanging pleasantries. Suddenly an idea came to my head. “How about we go to Carvahall? You know, meet all those people we’ve heard stories about, Horst and his wife, Elaine, Their sons, Albreich and Baldor, Roran, and that other lady, Birgit?”
"I suppose we could. Let me remove his remains." he agreed. I leaped up onto my dragon as did he took care of “The Remains”. Eylania curled up and then sprang up into the sky in a single bound, up into the clouds with the sun peaking over the horizon. Brare then leaped into the clouds behind us, roaring with authority. The sun bathed the clouds in a vibrant orange sheet. The land swept by us as we flew north, north to Carvahall! The land slowly changed from vast, endless seas of grass into sharp, tree and snow covered mountains as we began to skirt the Spine. I glanced at Aryn and allowed myself to sigh.
It had been so long since I had ever opened myself up to anyone, why should I now?
“Because you know in your heart that it’s the right thing.” answered Eylania. “If you think that you should open yourself up, then do it!”
“Thanks Eylania.”I responded. “Maybe I will...”
“Maybe I will too...” she whispered as she nervously looked over at Brare. I could feel the excitement whirling around inside her.
I allowed myself to glance again at Aryn seated leisurely on Brare. I didn’t dare interrupt right now because it appeared that they were in the midst of a heated mental conversation. I sighed again then resumed watching the landscape as we passed over Teirm.
We continued sailing over the Spine, racing over the tall barren peaks and the lush, green valley’s nestled in between. We stopped to make camp that night, about halfway between Teirm and Carvahall. It was cold in the spine as I laid down on the rocky ground, tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep. Eylania scooted over next to me and drew me under her wing.
“This is why it is great to have a dragon,” I told her, “to keep me warm at night.”
“Sleep now, little one.” Eylania cooed. “We still have a great distance tomorrow to travel.” At this I fell silent and drifted away to sleep.
I woke with a jolt as I heard a scream coming from above Eylania’s’ wing. I stood up grappling for my sword as the wing rose to expose Brare lifting into the air with Aryn on his back. A dozen soldiers were rushing towards me, swords drawn. My mind flashed back to the night before I faced Haredr, when I fought the single soldier. I rushed towards the soldiers, with my sword held high above my head.
I gored one of them through the leg. He bellowed and stumbled so I beheaded him. I turned and sparred with another three at once. Aryn had already taken care of five of the soldiers and was working on a sixth.
“This is strange,” I commented to Eylania who had just burned one man, “that first Haredr is turned into green ashes, and now soldiers in the Spine, soldiers that aren’t Nasuada’s.’’
Well, I have to tell you, I'm a big fan of Eragon. You should probably classify that in the beginning so it doesn't look like plagiarism
. So, starting off. I really like the idea, but the real key was description. The dragons and riders in love thing was a little blatant, but not a big deal. Your dialogue was kind of awkward and borderline cliche, for example, the line where Aryn comes in and says they have to fight together, sword or mind. I don't know, it didn't really work for me. Otherwise, a really nice job.
I didn't really like the part where they just off and decide to visit Carvahall. I don't think they would do that right after a battle, just to seem some heroes from another book. You probably shouldn't be too obvious with alluding to them, as it disrupts your own story. Otherwise, nice job. Some fixes and it could be even better!