I wrote this back in grade 6. Just wanted to see what kind of reaction it would get.
Brrrr… It’s cold this time of year. The festivities have begun as Christmas draws near. The town is ablaze with lights of all colors. Snow has fallen upon this beautiful town. Joy soars within me and I pour all my energy into making my bulb shine brighter than the stars.
Cold nips at me like a cat at a mouse. I feel frozen on the outside and alive inside, where electricity sears through my wire veins, warming my core.
My buddy and I sat on Main Street side by side all day, everyday, until a mouse found a way into his electrical circuits and got zapped. The zap killed my buddy; it fried him to a crisp. They removed the body last week. Mice are now my biggest fear.
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On the day before Christmas all were filled with joy! The town came together to sing and to laugh, to count their many blessings. It happened on the other side of town, but I could hear it crystal clear.
While the celebration took place a suspicious man with a tan colored beard showed up. Another person, a young boy appeared from around the corner. Raising his hand, the man brought out a gun and pointed it at the young boy. “NNNNOOOOO!” I screamed, my bulb burning white hot. A boom echoed off of every available space as the young boy toppled to the ground, dead.
The elder man’s face turned pale. He dropped the gun and stormed off, seemingly angry with himself. As he disappeared around the bend, townspeople rushed out onto the street.
A police officer appeared, pronounced the boy dead and turned to the crowd. He asked if anyone saw what had happened.
“I DO!” I screeched. The police man didn’t turn my way. I shouted on and on, until I realized that he wouldn’t hear me. I am a lamp-post, and no one listens to lamp-posts anymore.
The day dragged by. The gun was found and the body was taken away. Christmas Eve became the longest night of my life. My bulb dimmed and puttered out. A faint line of electricity kept me alive through the frosty night. Snow swirled around me in elusive patterns, but I did not have the will to watch. Christmas morning finally dawned. With it came sadness, not the promised joy.
A few months later, after my bulb was replaced, a suspect was found. I caught a glimpse of him as he was hustled off to the police station for questioning. It was the wrong guy! I didn’t even bother to shout, no one would listen to me anyway. The suspect was jailed and the real murderer is still out there, still free, still alive. He would not be caught. My light blinked and disappeared forever.
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Hi yubbies21,
I think that this original idea was fantastic and a unique way of telling the story of a murder. The way that you wrote that the lamp-post had emotions was interesting. I was both intrigued and confused throughout the entire story.
You seem to have been a talented writer even at the age of a grade six. Congratulations on that.
Remember when writing something like this to involve detail and suspense.
Keep writing.
Lily
This is without a doubt an excellent short story, with so much potential revolving around a single idea. The animation of an otherwise inactive object into a sentient being is very interesting, and does lead myself as the reader to wonder: what if? After all, if such objects could perceive the world around them as they have in your story, the world would be a much more interesting place.
The personification used throughout is very effective, and awards the 'lamppost' with undeniable anthropomorphic qualities which are evident throughout. The fact that you referred to the idea of the friend having a 'body' brings the individual closer to having human qualities, as well as having fears of mice and of the horror and denial felt at the murder.
The end is also very effective 'My light blinked and disappeared forever,' as is reflects the despair and helplessness of the one witness to a crime, and the emotion of the individual is evident. The fact that the traumatic event also seemed to cause the 'death' of the lamppost is very effective, as it draws sympathy for the character who, despite not being a 'human.' is able to feel the loss of an innocent life which was meaninglessly taken. I as the reader was also very fond of the idea of the bulb and the light it produces being the sign of life, both symbolically and literally in this case. It made it seem more real: the warm glow of a streetlamp's bulb is one all are familiar with after all. The idea that it is life itself is a beautiful idea, giving a feeling of transcendence.
One point I would make however is that I do think there is more room for development, especially in relation to the events that happened and the individual's reactions to said events. Though the emotions were conveyed in an effective manner, I do believe that there is more room for development: not that it is not good already! It would also be nice if the murder was fleshed out a little more: perhaps more detail on the murderer and victim or on the act itself?
I look forward to reading more of your work! Keep writing!
Love this. The idea of a utilitarian object taking pride in its utility.
Silly. Too many Ns. Again, Lampposts don't scream - however, I love the idea of the lamppost burning brighter in defiance and outrage.
Love the whole thing. However, I think you should remove all of the lamppost's dialog, instead describing what he is saying, rather than telling us what he is saying. For example; "I screamed in denial, my bulb burning brightly in outrage," rather than "Noooo!" To me it describes the disconnect between the human world and the world of animate, sentient lampposts.
Sixth grade? Very well written.
-D
This is actually pretty awesome. For one thing, it's super-creative to have a murder story from the point of view of a nearby lamp-post. For another, I love some of the details you offered: the mouse killing the lamp-post's "buddy"; the physical things the lamp-post feels (such as the heat of its bulb). I also like (although I'm terribly saddened by) the fact that story did not have a happy ending.
My primary suggestion is this:
More detail! Obviously you have some details, as I said, but I think this story could be slowed down and stretched out. The murder happens so quickly, almost before we realize what's going on. The lamp-post can't move; it wouldn't miss much, right? Show us what the boy looks like, what the murder looks like. Give us more sensory details about the cold night. Show us the man the police bring in, the police officer who first arrives on the scene, the finding of the body. These are all important elements of the story that could really be brought to life.
Also, while I like the detail about the mouse, the first part of the story seems a little disjointed, a little separate from the second (and more important) start of the story. So I'd suggest either cutting that or trying to tie it in to the murder a little more.
I realize you wrote this in grade 6, so I don't know if you were even looking to revise it, but if you wanted to then this would be a good idea. If you do revise it, please let me know! I'd love to read a longer version.
Blue