z

Young Writers Society



The heart of a horse

by yubbies21


The Heart of a Horse

“Come on Amanda, hurry up and get out of the car!”

I still cannot believe how I ended up here. Everybody thought me to be your ordinary teenager. After taking a survey at school however, my teachers found that I was so depressed, it was dangerous. A doctor that I like to call a Quack suggested I try spending some time with horses to lift my mood. I told myself there is no way I am going to get anywhere near one of those fat, smelly animals. My mom just loves them and their “distinctive smell” as she said once.

“Do I have to be around these horses mom?” I complained.” I mean I don’t even like horses. One of them could crush me beneath its hooves!”

“I doubt that will ever happen Amanda. You just have to be careful around all of these beauties.” My mom stated. It seemed there was a touch of wonder and amazement in her voice. Maybe it was that she couldn’t believe I didn’t like the big, hairy brutes. Although, it probably was just that the word “horse” or anything in relation to horses, was almost sacred to her.

I looked up at the beautiful building looming up in front of us, a quaint, little cottage with the words “Willow Stables” plastered to the roof. I thought that if all of Willow Stables was this pretty, I might not mind spending time here. But then I was dragged back to reality as that pungent aroma of sweat, horse poop, and hay drifted in under my nose.

As my mom dragged me into the office, which had the same “lovely” smell as outside, I prayed that somehow I could escape out an open window, or that they didn’t have enough room for another person here. But with all of my good luck, the windows were all closed and they had enough space for me. I was to start lessons immediately.

I trudged outside to write my will and meet my instructor. She seemed nice enough for someone who likes horses. She introduced herself as Mandy. She has a tall, slender figure. Almost all of her hair was pulled back into a loose bun at the back of her neck. Her brown glasses were thick and coated with dust. Then of course I had to meet one of those beasts. As Mandy and my mom walked briskly to the stables, I followed behind them, kicking up dust, watching it swirl. I listened in on their conversation, and my mother was telling Mandy all about my depression.

Finally we reached the stables. My mom left and I had to fend for myself. As my mind whirred with possible escape routes, Mandy practically dragged me to the stall where the horse that I would (not) be riding. She blabbered on and on about this horse, Zoola, a mare, 16.5 hands high, who is a Dun Barb. That means something along the lines of “ A tall girl horse that is yellow/gold with black mane and tail and is from the desert.” I could not have ever prepared myself for the sight of all those words and what they really meant though.

As I rounded the corner, Mandy whistled loud and clear, the trill noise bouncing off everything in sight. A gorgeous gold horse walked slowly towards Mandy, stopping right in front of her to breathe on her face. Mandy turned to me, took my hand, and placed it on Zoola’s muzzle.

“Feel her. Feel her warmth. Feel her power, beauty, and grace.” Mandy spoke loud and clear but gentle and soothing. It made all my fear melt away, and I could feel all of what Mandy had said flowing through Zoola’s free spirit. Suddenly I felt the need for that horse.

“C...c...can I r...r...ride her?” I asked stumbling over the words.

“Of course!” She came back a minute later with a lot of funny looking straps of metal and leather. She showed me how to tighten the girth, put the bit in the horses’ mouth, and most importantly, how to mount.

“Are you sure it’s safe?” I questioned, my fear beginning to set back in.

“Oh yeah! Don’t worry; she’s a good horse for beginners.”Mandy commented. So I mounted and began learning the basic signals and commands for guiding a horse. Two hours passed all too quickly, and my mom came to pick me up. I went back there every day; soon I found myself enjoying my lessons. I also noticed I was happier and felt better about myself.

Pretty soon, I would turn fourteen and my mom would ask what I want for my birthday. I usually answer clothes or make up. I knew that our family couldn’t afford what I wanted anyway, so I asked for the usual. On my birthday I woke up and there was a note on my dresser. The messy handwriting said “Happy Birthday. Now look out your window.” My heart skipped a beat; could it be true? I slowly got up and looked out my window. Out the window was my dream! I cried with joy as I ran down the stairs, taking two at a time. I burst out the front door, and there she was, Zoola, my birthday dream! I cried into her neck with joy at the thought that she was mine, mine forever...


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 475
Reviews: 16

Donate
Wed May 15, 2013 3:16 pm
CarolineNaveen wrote a review...



Okay I'm back after this one I'll be done so I don't spam your notifications lol. I was a little disappointed to see you don't have any more historical fiction things in your portfolio. Oh well. Alright so here it goes I think you've got the drill by now. lol

Constructive:
The ending seemed a little bit sudden and abrupt. I'd work on that a little bit so the build up to that seems a little more realistic because it went from Amanda having one riding lesson, to the words I went back there every day, and then to a horse for her birthday. That's a big investment especially if there family can't afford it. Does she live on a horse farm? Because a lot of things come with owning a horse, barn, hay, halter, saddle etc. It would be a little odd/give hints if these things randomly starting appearing as they would have to before the horse arrived. Just a little more expansion and descriptiveness on the part of I went back there every day.

Good:
Once again your descriptions, they totally suck me into the story every time. Your dialogue is very realistic you must go people watching or something. (Listen to what people say in public places and then using it in your writing.) Everything about this story was believable except for the climax. Over all great work and I wish you would post more action adventure historical fiction. I love to read those lol. Until next time.

~Caroline




User avatar
57 Reviews


Points: 7963
Reviews: 57

Donate
Mon Jun 25, 2012 3:45 am
Celdover wrote a review...



Hi there!

First off I'd like to say that I like the idea behind your piece. I think it's an excellent opportunity to show character development, though there are a few things that you can probably change for the better. And since Cadi already hit the major points I was going to mention that means I'll be focusing on some details you could add if you choose to revise.

But first let's focus on what you do have. I like how you treated Amanda's apprehension towards horses. I'm a person who likes horses, but even I can relate to her fears about them. Horses are big and heavy creatures and they stink, so it makes sense that Amanda wouldn't be too excited about the thought of being crushed by one or having to put up with the smell.

As for criticisms aside from what Cadi mentioned I really only have two. The first one is Mandy, the horse instructor. She seemed a bit... sugary for my taste, if that makes any sense. Like she had so much energy that she expressed through her voice. The reason why this bothers me isn't so much that I'm annoyed by her, but because I always thought that is was important to maintain a calm attitude around horses since they're easily spooked. I could be wrong, though, but I'd still suggest doing research about how to handle a horse if you haven't done so already. It's a good thing to know, especially if you plan to write a lot of stories like this.

I also have an issue with how Amanda received a horse for her birthday at the end. Horses need a lot of care and are therefore very expensive creatures to maintain. But you said explicitly that her family didn't have enough money, so it's a bit contradictory. If you want Amanda to have a happy ending with Zoola then perhaps she could volunteer to work at the stables instead. Not only does she get a sweet ending but it also remedies the money issue. Of course, this isn't the only option, so feel free to explore. But I really don't think that having her parents buy a horse is a logical ending.

I also want to make another suggestion that could really help improve your story. Now Cadi already mentioned the pacing and how it was too fast, especially for a story with a character overcoming depression. This is a point I agree with, so adding details about her time spent recovering with the horses will be very important. But it's also important to remember the people outside of the horses, because horses are a lot of work and therefore have a lot of caretakers. You could probably spend a good chunk of an expanded narrative focusing on Amanda's relationship with the caretakers, and it's a great opportunity for character development. Just something to think about.

All in all this piece has potential to be something really touching, it just needs a bit of love and caring. You have a lot of options available to you if you choose to slow down the pacing and expand your narrative, and I think you could really benefit your story if you explored your options. The suggestions I made were only a few. Have fun!

If you have any questions or comments feel free to drop me a message.

--Dover




User avatar
107 Reviews


Points: 9326
Reviews: 107

Donate
Sun May 13, 2012 12:14 pm
Cadi wrote a review...



Hey there, yubbies!

First up, I'd like to say that I like the idea you're running with here. I've got a few books about horses as aids to healing on my shelf, so this is something I'm fond of. That said, there are a number of ways in which I think you could improve this, and turn it into something truly brilliant.

The most important thing I'd like to talk about is pacing. The story you're telling here is one of Amanda's transformation from depressed horse-hater to less-depressed horse-lover - and that's fine. However, it's all crammed into quite a short story. The issue is that depression is not something that's easily dealt with, and the depth of hatred Amanda has for horses doesn't feel like something that would easily be reversed, so the fact that the story is so short makes it harder for the reader to identify with Amanda. I would suggest that you try exploring the time between Amanda's first day at the stables, and her birthday, by perhaps talking about specific days in between the two, or talking about how things changed over the weeks. In short, don't rush to the end - take a bit of time to explore how you get there.

On a more 'technical' note, I'd like to mention tenses - as in, past/present/future. There are a few places in this piece where you hop from one to the other and back again. Be careful to read through your writing after you've got it on the page, and make sure that you keep to one tense throughout - if you hop, it confuses the reader and distracts from the important bit - that is, the story.

I think I'll leave it there for now. I'd be interested to see another version of this, if you revise it at all. Please feel free to send me a message if you'd like to talk about this more, or clear up anything I've said in this review. (Because the site is mid-upgrade right now, I won't get a notification for any reply to this review, so it's best to just send me a message.)

Happy writing!
Cadi x




User avatar
53 Reviews


Points: 4226
Reviews: 53

Donate
Sun May 13, 2012 2:51 am
View Likes
zohali93 says...



How come hey got a horse yet you wrote they ciuldn't afford some things?
I wonder whats the story behind Amanda's depression.





It is a happiness to wonder; it is a happiness to dream.
— Edgar Allan Poe