Brrrr… It’s cold this time of year. The festivities have begun as Christmas draws near. The town is ablaze with lights of all colors. Snow has fallen upon this beautiful town. Joy soars within me and I pour all my energy into making my bulb shine brighter than the stars.
Cold nips at me like a cat at a mouse. I feel frozen on the outside and alive inside, where electricity sears through my wire veins, warming my core.
My buddy Lawrence and I sat on Main Street side by side all day, everyday, until a mouse found a way into his electrical circuits and got zapped. The zap killed my buddy; it fried him to a crisp. They removed the body last week. Mice are now my biggest fear.
On the day before Christmas all were filled with joy! The town came together to sing and to laugh, to count their many blessings. It happened on the other side of town, but I could hear it crystal clear.
While the celebration took place a suspicious man with a tan colored beard showed up. Another person, a young boy appeared from around the corner. Raising his hand, the man brought out a gun and pointed it at the young boy. “NNNNOOOOO!” I screamed, my bulb burning white hot. A boom echoed off of every available space as the young boy toppled to the ground, dead.
The elder man’s face turned pale. He dropped the gun and stormed off, seemingly angry with himself. As he disappeared around the bend, townspeople rushed out onto the street.
A police officer appeared, pronounced the boy dead and turned to the crowd. He asked if anyone saw what had happened.
“I DO!” I screeched. The police man didn’t turn my way. I shouted on and on, until I realized that he wouldn’t hear me. I am a lamp-post, and no one listens to lamp-posts anymore.
The day dragged by. The gun was found and the body was taken away. Christmas Eve became the longest night of my life. My bulb dimmed and puttered out. A faint line of electricity kept me alive through the frosty night. Snow swirled around me in elusive patterns, but I did not have the will to watch. Christmas morning finally dawned. With it came sadness, not the promised joy.
A few months later, after my bulb was replaced, a suspect was found. I caught a glimpse of him as he was hustled off to the police station for questioning. It was the wrong guy! I didn’t even bother to shout, no one would listen to me anyway. The suspect was jailed and the real murderer is still out there, still free, still alive. He would not be caught. My light blinked and disappeared forever.
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139,548 Literary Works • 672,607 Reviews
Hello there
There's a whole big world out there, go write about it.
Ill jump right in and say it was an interesting piece to read, and I know it was probably a little difficult to write from that point of view, but you did a great job with what you had.
I liked, in the opening paragraph, how you started out with a sensory detail or some kind of personification thing to give an idea to the reader of the general starting point of the piece.
Cold nips at me like a cat at a mouse. I feel frozen on the outside and alive inside, where electricity sears through my wire veins, warming my core.
--Very descriptive here, and I love that simile you used. Very good. I also think you did well with describing the electricity and how it makes this lamp post feel, or what it would feel like to be a lamp post, etc. Nice start!
My buddy(,) Lawrence(,) and I sat on Main Street side by side all day, everyday, until a mouse found a way into his electrical circuits and got zapped.
--notice, i put two commas around Lawrence, because, while it's great information to have(this friend's name), its not really necessary. And, if I were to remove Lawrence, the meaning of the sentence would still be the same. Grammatical error there.. I also feel like this sentence is a run-on sentence and that it may need to be split into two separate sentences because its long. I suggest in the place of "until" put "then". (My buddy, Lawrence, and I sat side by side, all day, everyday. Then, one day, a mouse found a way into his electrical circuits and got zapped). Optional, but I think it would help the piece flow better. Also define who got zapped : the mouse or the other lamp post. It may seem silly and obvious that the mouse got zapped physically, but maybe you meant the power was zapped from the other lamp post? Clarify that please
“NNNNOOOOO!” I screamed, my bulb burning white hot.
--I kind of feel like the four "N"'s before the five "O"'s is a little bit much, yeah? You get the same effect from "NOO!" or another exclamation point added on.
I am a lamp-post, and no one listens to lamp-posts anymore
--Very sad, and very true. Nice touch to add to the character here, as well. That he's sad that people only think hes some dumb old lamp post.
My light blinked and disappeared forever.
--Great ending. Makes me wonder a few things, like maybe he was still depressed they caught the wrong guy and things along those lines.
Overall, I feel like you did some good similes here. But I really think you need more "UMPH!" behind this piece. I know it's literally a christmas murder, but adding sensory details, or any details about what this lamp post saw never hurt any one. If anything it'll just add to your story. Maybe even add more about how this lamp post felt about seeing the murder and other thoughts that he would have had about the investigation; simple things like that will add more color to everything you write. And adding more emotions besides happy to scared to depressed wouldn't hurt either
Keep writing,
Ash
Hey there Yubbies
I think you got a nice refreshing story here. It's been a while since I've read from the point of view of an inanimate object.
But before I tell you how much I loved your story, let's get all of its faults out of the way.
First off, you seem to be speaking the past tense throughout the end story, but in the present tense for the beginning. If you're going to do that at all, though I don't know if it was done purposely or not, it should be done the other way around, such as when you're recalling events leading up to something currently happening. But still, I'd suggest sticking to one tense, just to avoid confusion.
Secondly, you only indented one paragraph. That's a no no. If people see a big block of text, they'll usually shy away from reading through it. I guess it's just a nitpick, but paragraph aesthetics are a bigger part of writing than you'd think.
And third, it didn't really flow too well. Being only a few paragraphs long, there's a lot going on. You start off with pre-Christmas festivities and by the end you're talking about the police catching the wrong suspect in a murder case. While you have a great premise for the story, it wasn't clear enough to be enjoyed thoroughly.
Okay, now with all of that out of the way, I just have to say the story is fine. If you could elaborate on the details of what's going on, and use more descriptive language, the story would be much more enjoyable.
I'm sure you can make this piece much better.
Keep on writing.