My thoughts were cleansed by
flashes of bright light and downpours,
each raindrop relaxing synapses
firing on the front line.
I don't support violence of any kind,
but my mind is her own
strong-willed person.
I toss many pennies into the
nightly wishing well
hoping to break insomnia's spell,
but she watches me slowly
crisp at the stake
as my eyes attempt
rapid movement sleep patterns.
Each pitter patter pattern
like a steady faucet drip
would have driven me insane
in any other instance,
but the strumming created
a lullaby beat, leaving
my mind steadfastly counting sheep.
In the pit of dreams,
I drift to somewhere far away.
This place, unlike any other,
I couldn't describe in movies...
My eyes broke free of their seals,
begging me to believe what they were seeing.
I couldn't adjust them before I heard
a familiar voice,
a soothing tone that sat with me
on sleepless nights.
Craters cracked a smile free as blue eyes
created jealousy within the stars.
My ears were surrounded by
candied tunes of melodies near and far.
I sat gazing on the plushest cloud
as my body went relaxing numb.
Sinking into the sweetest peace,
the moon sweeps me off my feet.
The first day I've felt rested in a while,
waking up to birds tweeting
and sunshine on blooming flowers,
strong arms wrapped gently around,
I sneak out of bed to start
my routine of coffee and scribbling
morning thoughts
while gazing out the window.
I like to watch the tree outside
sway its newly blooming leaves.
Coffee on my desk,
I look outside wishing to see
one more glimpse of the moon
I witnessed last night.
He's fast asleep now,
I think to myself.
I begin trying to clear thoughts
from my head before the day fully arrives,
but I can't see where this scribbling goes.
It's a dutious routine to clear
my congested brain cells, so here it is.
Looking for the trigger to my muse,
I see paintings on my brightly yellow splashed walls. Pictures of memories
on my collage mural I've been putting together,
but then I see you sleeping still.
My mind is back at ease
like it was when the moon sang in my dreams.
Soaking you in, it all begins to make sense.
The man that hung my moon, placed him beside the cloud that comforts me as I sink peacefully into subconscious thoughts.
You hold up my skies when my world begins to collapse,
leaving my stomach full and my heart overflowing.
I realize as my eyes absorb every bit of perfection underneath cotton blankets,
you didn't just make my dreams come true,
you are the man within my moon.
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138,999 Literary Works • 672,396 Reviews
Hello! Let's get to a review.
This was a fascinating poem, and it stood out to me for some reason I can't quite identify. I think one reason might be that it has the concrete-yet-abstract element I tend to expect from blank verse. It's abstract enough that the reader kind of has to interpret what's going on and what the meaning is, rather than it just being right out there and told up-front. This is a nice thing to have in poetry; it also leaves me with the feeling that the meaning of the poem is somewhat veiled, or even somewhat subjective.
For the most part, things flow well, and the line breaks don't usually feel like they're breaking off in a clunky way. I noticed a little bit of subtle rhyme, too. The stanzas are not all the same length, which is something that I'd personally be a little bothered by, but then again, blank verse isn't constrained by the strict lines that structured poetry is, so I think this gives you more freedom to vary the length of stanzas.
Probably the one thing that I would point out as an actual issue and not just a personal nitpick is in the last stanza. You have a couple lines which are significantly longer than any others, not only in this stanza, but throughout the whole piece. This is mainly a grievance because it stands out visually. It kind of interrupts the flow, both in the "sound" of the poem and the way it appears on the page (or the screen, as the case may be). I would suggest figuring out where you could possibly break up those longer lines, or how you could redistribute the words in each line so it appears more flawless.
Once again, I liked the mysterious feel this poem evoked. The narrator is using imagery to speak of things like dreams and sleep, which, again, makes the reader think. And then there's the mysterious figure of the "man in the moon." At first, it seemed to me that the narrator was taking comfort from the moon itself. But then you changed it up in that last stanza, almost like a plot twist. And that ties in the relevance of the title.
Anyway, I hope my comments have been helpful. Good work, and keep writing!
Thank you so much. You have been very helpful. I appreciate any suggestions for improvements. I will look at this tomorrow and please feel free to share any specific suggestions as well.
Hey there, Dear youraveragewriter!!
This is Eros here to write a review for this beautiful poem of yours. This poem is full of deep thoughts and not just thoughts, but feelings and emotions. The starting of a depressive episode specially at night almost always occurs with insomnia and you have described that so well. The description of this insomnia combined with the description of the rain, "pitter patter pattern" is so wonderful. There's a sweet rhyme over here along with the figure of speech, alliteration, which i absolutely loved.
Also this line,
"leaving my mind steadfastly counting sheep." I could literally feel the desperation of trying so hard to sleep!
One question though... that familiar voice... whose is it? Is it your lover? Who exactly is the man in your moon?
Also the description of the next morning...the coffee the sunshine, the flowers, and especially the clearing your mind and writing the early morning thoughts, everything was described so finely! Absolutely loved the poem. Very deep and a little bit relatable.
I have no more words xD.
No suggestions, coz the work is absolutely flawless.
Keep writing such awesome work!
Would love to keep reading ...
Have a great day/night!
With love,
Eros.
<3 <3
Thank you so much. The middle of the work is specifically describing the moon, personificating him as the man in the moon. Your words are so encouraging, and I'm thrilled you like this.
Oh!!! So the man in the moon means there's a personified man in the moon. So beautiful. REally loved this.
Aww thanks
OH MY GOD I FRIGGIN LOVE THIS!!! You are honestly such a good poet. The rhyming is PEEK! Sorry about how brainrotted the way I talk is, but the poem is so good.
Aww you're so good. I text the way I talk sometimes, and analyzing poems can be so interweaving and brain scattering lol. Thank you so much. It really makes my day.