Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.
Through and through,
the knife cuts through,
serrating flesh,
he's turning blue,
nerves begin
to twitch and itch,
blood gurgles from
his arterial rift,
His fingers grey,
his palms gone numb,
blood drips onto
the tip of his thumb,
his neck screaming
the widest frown,
further and further
blood drains down,
beating heart rests
inside his weary chest,
cherry smashed pavement,
what a mess...
.........................
he stands over,
wipes the knife,
leans down close
and cuts his eyes,
orbitals roll,
bouncing the ground,
he bags them up
and heads down south,
another victim,
a special date,
he denied long enough
his bloody fate.
His mom long gone,
his father in the pin,
taken too many lives,
no Hail Maries for his sin,
his dad told him
while growing up
that robbing breath
is in his blood,
It all started
late one night,
he was only ten,
discovered a fright,
his dad was out,
mom long gone,
he clenched bloody clothes
in his palm,
Panicking at the sight,
his dad couldn't know
but not for the reason
you would think so...
Yanked up a baseboard
to hide evidence,
but what he found
left him hell bent,
There were the bones,
a wedding ring rests
in what looks to be
her favorite blue dress,
his dad was a killer,
he knew all along,
but how could he do this
to his son's mom?
A suitcase packed,
his bloody clothes bound,
he hopped on the bus
and was never found,
He waits for the day
iron bars separate,
his dad walking out
of those prison gates,
Those outdated bones
flash through his mind
every time he has
another body to hide,
His dad was right,
he had potential,
or did he go mad
from events sequential?
The only thing
that brings him peace
is robbing breath
from men of thieves,
today is the day
his dad is let out,
he waits for him
without a doubt,
His dad hops in,
they leave the lot,
takes him back home
to their family plot,
he looks dad in the eyes,
confesses he's right,
he has what it takes
to be a killer alright,
Dad cracks a smile,
says we're a team,
I know this woman,
let's make her scream,
loaded up tools,
set out across town,
but Dave kept driving,
kept going south,
We should dig the grave
before we get her,
Dad then agrees,
they begin to break dirt,
after the grave is dug,
Dad says let's go,
Dave says, "Wait, one thing."
next thing, a bullet hole
in the middle of Dad's chest,
he hit the ground,
Dave rolled him in,
dirt muffled any sound,
his final words were
no, I'm not like you,
I'm not stupid,
and I know the truth.
He drove home
through pouring rain,
his one Hail Mary
washing sins away,
He unloaded the car,
it was finally over,
after twenty-one years,
he finally got closure,
Today he walked past
a man that looked
like his dad,
he smiled to himself
instead of raging mad.
All were surrogates
at a point in time,
but he healed himself
committing the ultimate crime.
His mom's bones
rest under marbled stone,
he confessed to the day
he hid bloody clothes,
he could never tell dad
he was beat up at school,
fresh bruises lashed again,
he was no fool.
Nature or nurture,
blood or blades of grass?
he'll always wonder
because horrific memories last.
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138,979 Literary Works • 672,395 Reviews
Hey there, youraveragewriter again!!
Well this was very surprising for me because when I clicked the title, I didn't really read the writer's name. I even started reading the whole poem, I finished reading it, and now when I started to write the review, and I wanted to include your name and that's when I scrolled back up thinking who wrote this awesome poem, and I found out it's you. I literally said these words out a bit aloud, "Abey ha tar toch aahe". Now this is marathi language (a language from India) and it means, "Omg this is the same person!".
Anyway keeping this surprise thing aside, which actually means that the title of the poem was indeed very catchy. That's what made me click on it and actually read through it, without knowing who the writer was.
Well, It's me Eros again, and let's begin with the review!
So as I already mentioned, the title was very catchy, and along with that it was also very apt and appropriate. That's the first and foremost thing about a poem, or any other format of writing for that matter.
Next thing as a general format is the flow of sequence and it was very good. One thing is properly leading to the next and also the pace of the sequences is proper too. Nothing feels rushed, nor does it feel too slow. It's perfect.
Moving onto the storyline behind the poem. It was very new and unique. So it's about a guy who is committing the act of murder. He is a "thief of breaths," and there's a story behind this as well!
Back when he was a kid, to be precise, ten years old, late one night, he saw his dad with clothes drenched with blood and the favourite blue dress, when this dress was mentioned, i had a feeling that this could be his mother. Then the wedding ring was also pointing towards it before finally disclosing it was indeed his mother. Then the dad was sent to jail, and then when the dad was released, we come to know that the dad had told the son earlier that committing murders is in his blood, or like we say genetics.
So this murderer guy goes to pick his dad up and then he looks into his father's eyes and says, "Dad you're right! Killing is in our genes" and the father, being a typical psychopath, gets happy thinking he got a crime partner.
And then the dad says, I guess, it's the dad who says he knows a woman and let's make her scream means, lets kill her. But the son keeps driving and says let's make a grave first.
At this point, again I thought like I knew where this is going, but again, no confirmation, which i love. Like, you give subtle hints but also keep the mysteries still going. And then he just...shoots the dad and he dies, and I knew the grave was for the dad only...which covered every aspect of a true killer. I absolutely loved every description, like i said in the previous review as well, it's "fine description."
I really love your style of writing. It is very simple, easy to understand, very poetic and has a smooth flow and also very ornamental with details in great depjth.
Absolutely loved this awesome piece of work!
Keep writing such awesome works!
With love,
Yours,
Eros.
<3 <3
Thanks, Eros. I really appreciate it. This makes my day.
Hello, My Friend!
Pleasure to meet you! My name is Raven, and spotting this piece in the Green Room, well…You immediately had me at “horror” and “poetry” XD
*As a fair warning, I am not the best at reviewing poetry, and I am stuck on mobile, so I am sorry for any dip in review quality*
Well then, let’s get into the grit of it! From the moment the poem opens, we’re given such a grizzly situation, with gory details that just make you itch and cringe. That smoothly transitions into some backstory for this mysterious killer, up to the shocking twist where he takes the life of the very predecessor who started him on his bloody path. I really like the theme of blood ties, as it gets you thinking; like, if this murderer never found the bloody clothes and bones, never knew about his father’s crimes, would he have had a different outcome?
*ahem, as to a more technical review, I can’t find much to suggest. I like the metric, and your word choice is very fittingly gruesome. The underlying story is cool and easy enough to follow. If I HAD to nitpick, I would recommend maybe putting some space or a line break between “he finally got closure” and “today he walked past.” Like you did between “what a mess…” and “he stood over.” I just thought that may help smooth out the transition between backstory/the dad’s death, and the aftermath.
But of course, that’s a tiny thing. Likewise, I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt. This piece still rocked ~
As for what I liked most, ooo, that’s hard to decipher…
First of all, the way this is written, particularly the murder scene, reminds me very much of a death metal song—something from the likes of Cannibal Corpse or Whitechapel, that’d get the pit a’ going lol. Like, I couldn’t stop imagining some killer guitar riffs in the background of that opening scene XD And to be clear, as a metalhead, I do mean that as a compliment! lol
I very much enjoyed this part too, with the bit of backstory and such an eerie rhyme. So cool! The other part I enjoyed most…
What a twist! He literally got his dad to dig his own grave! And instead of embracing the evil in his blood, he rejects it, this one “hail mary” for him. Oh my gosh, chills!
Overall, that was an amazing piece to remind us that poetry can be as dark and creepy as it is artistic and beautiful. Very nicely done! Definitely following after this, would love to see what else you have to share!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
I had line spaces in my draft, so idk why it published like this. So sorry for the rough read. I didn't plan this one or anything. They just hit me at times and flood out. I'm so ecstatic that you like this. There will be more to come.
OHH, you ran into the space bug!! Alright I gotcha. So it%u2019s this really annoying bug or format thing where it erases blank lines, and it only appears in the publisher for some reason. The best way to fix it is by putting a few spaces where you want the line break. I dont know why YWS has it, but its a common issue. Hope that helps ~
And thats great to hear! I cant wait to see what else you have to share!
I'll definitely try that next time. Thank you