Bloody Cravings

Hi!

Okay, so maybe this is because I watched way too many torture scenes, but this seems a little ho hum to me. Not that this isn't a good way to torture people... it is. But, you made it sound eerily like a James Bond torture scene, and I've been watching James Bond since I was three. So, I am rather unaffected.

One thing that you might want to do is make your writing style a lot more... punchier. One of the cool things about style is that depending on how you write a sentence, you can make it carry more weight. One really cool way that you can do this is that you can alternate your sentences from short to long to short again to see if you can have more impact. For instance! Your first paragraph:

He gasped loudly as his back hit the metal table, desperately struggling to free himself from the clutches of his attacker. The blond-haired man looked down, a menacing, demented grin gracing his features. “You stupid brat. You just never learn when to shut up, do you?”

Let's make this as short as possible. This means, let's take out the adverbs!

He gasped as his back hit the metal table, struggling to free himself from the clutches of his attacker. The blond-haired man looked down, a menacing, demented grin gracing his features. “You stupid brat. You just never learn when to shut up, do you?”

So, now it's a lot more apparent that your first sentence is a comma splice, since it is uncertain whether the back or the metal table is struggling to free himself. So... split the sentence!

He gasped as his back hit the metal table. He struggled to free himself from the clutches of his attacker. The blond-haired man looked down, a menacing, demented grin gracing his features. “You stupid brat. You just never learn when to shut up, do you?”

Let's trim it more... there are a lot of adjectives (at least the adjectives that are not dialogue) in your first sentence. Let's take them all out for now:

He gasped as his back hit the table. He struggled to free himself from the clutches of his attacker. The man looked down, a grin gracing his features. “You stupid brat. You just never learn when to shut up, do you?”

The first sentences verbs don't seem very impressive without that adverb, does it? It sounds very weak, actually. The word "gasp" gives the impression of a soft sound, the word "hit" isn't very forceful (you can hit the hay, for instance, and it means you're sleeping), and, let's face it: table by itself isn't very fear inducing. Also, the word "the" can soften a word too, which makes "the table" sound even more mild. So, let's substitute some more powerful words:

He gasped as his back slammed on metal. He struggled to free himself from the clutches of his attacker. The man looked down, a grin gracing his features. “You stupid brat. You just never learn when to shut up, do you?”

Or you can switch the sentence around more...

He gasped, his back slamming on metal. He struggled to free himself from the clutches of his attacker. The man looked down, a grin gracing his features. “You stupid brat. You just never learn when to shut up, do you?”

Now, you have this action that you say, but you never really describe. For instance! He gasps (which kind of gives the impression that he is temporarily disabled, but then you say that he is struggling, which is kind of an active thing. So, what I think is probably happening is he's trying to do something, but he's really mostly flailing around.

Still, the problem with this sentence is that it detracts from the main person who is in control, namely the attacker, by making the main character the next focus. You only mention the attacker in the third sentence, and then in the fourth sentence in a very awkward way. If you want to make this guy sound very vulnerable (which he is) you are going to have to make the attacker be really in the story by the next sentence. So... get rid of the second sentence!

He gasped, his back slamming on metal. The man looked down, a grin gracing his features. “You stupid brat. You just never learn when to shut up, do you?”

And now, you can make it "his attacker" versus "the man" or "the blond-haired man" which will give it a lot more zing. Check it out:

He gasped, his back slamming on metal. His attacker looked down, a grin gracing his features. “You stupid brat. You just never learn when to shut up, do you?”

Now. As much as a grin might grace his features, it sounds a little bit awkward, don't you think? I realize that in the beginning, he had a menacing, demented grin. What if you just use... grin?

He gasped, his back slamming on metal. His attacker looked down, grinning. “You stupid brat. You just never learn when to shut up, do you?”

Of course, you can add more description...

He gasped, his back slamming on metal. His attacker looked down at him, grinning. “You stupid brat. You just never learn when to shut up, do you?”

Now, the dialogue. I don't really like messing too much with dialogue, just because I know that your character is your character and what your character says goes. But, quite honestly, I wouldn't say something like this if I were a sadistic, evil bad guy. I mean. He's grinning in an assumedly menacing and demented grin. Now, I cut out the whole "menacing" and "demented" part (it's my opinion that if an author needs more than two adjectives to describe a grin, the author probably doesn't need the words at all) so you can't rely on those adjectives to help you out in letting the reader realize what a sadistic bastard your character really is. BUT. You can use dialogue to achieve this effect.

For my stories, when I have evil sadistic bastards, my favorite thing to do is make them mock the main character in a way that is more than simply name-calling. Calling someone a stupid brat would be the last insult that my characters would give, actually.

One thing that I love to use is sarcasm. In one of my stories, a girl's mother commits suicide, which the girl is unfortunate enough to witness. The evil guy says this to her when he wants to destroy the girl: “And really, who can blame your mother for killing herself after sacrificing her life to save a wretch like you? Tell me, did she shoot herself so that the pain was over quicker, or did she prefer a more agonizing death so she was sure she would be rid of you?”

SO. You'll notice that he does actually call her a name. He calls her a "wretch." But, that is not the main part of the insult. In fact, that's almost one of the weaker parts. The most horrible part about the insult is that he is directly tearing into what hurts her the most. Watching her mother kill herself was probably something that destroyed the girl, which is hurtful enough. She's probably torn apart inside because she doesn't know why it happened, and the very fact that she couldn't save her mother is agony to her. So, the sadistic asshole capitalizes on this.

However, he goes a step further and implies that the reason why her mother killed herself was because of this girl's fault. This thought is probably in the girl's mind, so it's even more torture for it to be brought up. Then, the man goes a step further. Depending on the way the mother killed herself, the girl might have come up with alternate explanations for the mother's death that didn't involve her. For example, if the mother had killed herself at once, the girl might have thought, "I couldn't have done anything about it. It was too fast. She wouldn't have done it if she had thought about it more. She loved me. She was just out of her mind." If the mother had waited for a while, the girl might have thought, "She was in so much pain. Maybe she didn't want to kill herself because I was there, but she was in so much pain. It wasn't my fault. She was just in pain."

However, the man tears down these theories apart with his vicious sarcasm. The only two possible options that he offers is that it is fundamentally her fault. So, she is insulted, she is accused of killing her mother, and she is attacked with sarcasm. Her pain is mocked and disregarded.

The point is that sadistic assholes are cruel. They will tear down people and destroy them in every way possible so that there is no hope or comfort.

Let's look at the revised paragraph again:

He gasped, his back slamming on metal. His attacker looked down at him, grinning. “You stupid brat. You just never learn when to shut up, do you?”

That dialogue really doesn't do much. Can you imagine someone grinning evilly and saying that? I can't. I can imagine this being said more easily, and it's the same amount of words as the other dialogue:

"What? You have nothing to say? I'm surprised. You seemed rather talkative before."

So:

He gasped, his back slamming on metal. His attacker looked down at him, grinning. “What? You have nothing to say? I'm surprised. You seemed rather talkative before.”

Please note: there are only three adjectives in this sentence: "surprised," "rather," and "talkative." All three are in the dialogue. Nor do they seem tacked on... well, maybe "rather" seems tacked on. But, that's only so it can be even more sarcastic.

The main thing is, you don't need to throw in adjectives or adverbs every two words to be descriptive. You can say the exact same thing in a punchier way with minimal adjectives and adverbs. Your original paragraph has two adverbs and five adjectives. That's not a lot... I've seen stories cluttered with the things. But, you can make it even less.

ANYWAY. Check out the difference:

He gasped loudly as his back hit the metal table, desperately struggling to free himself from the clutches of his attacker. The blond-haired man looked down, a menacing, demented grin gracing his features. “You stupid brat. You just never learn when to shut up, do you?”

vs.

He gasped, his back slamming on metal. His attacker looked down at him, grinning. “What? You have nothing to say? I'm surprised. You seemed rather talkative before.”

So. Yeah.

There are some things that I think that you would look at and think, "I like my version of the paragraph better." And that's cool. That's critical thinking. You're the author, after all. But, always remember that punchy action is awesome. So, you should see what you could do with every single paragraph. Because, quite honestly? If you did this with every single paragraph, it would start to be a lot more... intense.

For instance, this is a pretty intense paragraph:

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHGJFHXYUTCYIVUOCX!!!” Alex screamed, writhing in complete anguish as the device twisted and tore relentlessly at his skin. Brown eyes widened in horror as the long strip of flesh was literally ripped away from his skin, leaving way to the foul, acrimonious substance. It was as though a thousand, piercing needles were shoving repeatedly into his skin, ripping, withering, deteriorating until there was nothing left. Eyes watered with tears of intense agony, water streaming like rivers down his cheeks, mixing themselves with the blood on his chin. Alex stared up at Silver, as though he couldn't believe what the man was doing to him. He was jolted from his thoughts as another yell escaped his mouth, the pain practically rivaling the power of Hell.

But it relies on several gimmicky things. The scream, for instance. Halfway through, it looks like you pounded random letters on your keyboard. That just looks funny. And you use tons of adjectives and adverbs that sometimes work and sometimes don't. Like I said... if you use several adjectives in a row, you're probably using the wrong words and it can be cut entirely. Still, if you trimmed it down, it could be really powerful.

Alex threw his head back and screamed, writhing in complete anguish as the device twisted and tore at his skin. One long strip of flesh was ripped away. Then another. And every time, the chemicals seeped into his muscles until he was paralyzed in pain. It was as if a thousand piercing needles were shoved repeatedly into his skin, ripping, tearing, destroying everything until there was nothing left. He blinked up at Silver, streams of tears pouring down his face in rivulets, combining with the blood on his chin.

I trimmed it a lot. And then I added fragments to make it even punchier. I also combined sentences.

...and this is kind of fun.

OKAY. Enough about the torture scene. I think you have been throroughly tortured enough.

Now, the next scene is really confusing. His twin sister hears this and is like, "Oh no!" and then she ends up dead.

...WHAT?!

So, I think you really need to slow that scene down and try to describe it with the same intensity as the torture scene. Because it is really hard to follow.

Anyway! Just a couple of thoughts.

Whoah there.

You've made this very hard to read, and for that I congratulate you, because it means you've painted a picture that's hard to look at. You've also done an excellent job of creating a "universe" in a small amount of space.

What I don't know is why the madman is mad, or how he knew the twins, or even if he was connected to them before the murder--the exchange between him and the boy indicates that he did, but it leaves room for a chance meeting on the street wherein Silver just so happened to seek him out as a victim.

In this format, it would help if you double-space the paragraphs. I see you've already divided them; unfortunately the tab button doesn't work on yws, so spacing is the only option. It would help.

Also, I'm wondering how Silver got away to murder the girl. Did an accomplice do it? Or did he outsmart the guards?

“Enough of that.” He rested a hand on his head. “Talk about annoyances...” Detective Brendan Wilder, head of the interrogation team. Specializes in homicide, has been working in homicide for eleven years. Anyone for the job, it was him. Except for the paperwork. Curse the paperwork.

Your sentences here are largely fragmented. Part of that's chalked up to style, part of should be changed, at least in my opinion. (Suzanne Collins got away with a TON of this, so your mileage may vary.) The biggest problem I have is with "Anyone for the job, it was him." At least add an "If there" to the beginning of the sentence, please; this phrasing is remarkably awkward, and your writing isn't awkward at all, as a whole.

I like how you avoided the use of words like said, how you wrote dialogue and then action. Mark of an experienced writer. Good job. (You're rubbing off on me, I couldn't figure out how to reword this statement without fragmentations. )

As a whole, it's wonderful. As a short story, it feels like it could use fleshing out. As a part of a story, it's a great hook--or a repulsive one, if you're squeamish, but that's not a bad thing here. In short--good job.