I have gotten enough done with this story that, like Thoughtless, I see no need to keep it up. However, you should check out "Agateophobia" as it is the revised and edited version of both, meshed together.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
The title reminds me of my poem, "Psychohomichlophobia." xD
To be completely honest, I clicked on this just because the name was so different. But I actually really love this! I thought it was clever to portray Ruth's "other thoughts" like that. And with what starrgazer was talking about, when you wrote that one line that she was confused with, I'm guessing it was supposed to just be italics, and not bold. Am I right, because the line looked like something the italics voice would say. I guess it really doesn't matter. But I do have one nitpick. When you describe Ruth with "ice-blue eyes," in the next paragraph you say someone would see her with "bright green eyes." If that was just a typo, I would change it because it was slightly confusing...
Anyway this was completely amazing!
-Picklesole
Thanks, hadn't even noticed. And it was a typo.
The bold/italic for that one sentence was supposed to be sneering sarcasm. Guess I didn't get that.
If you need me to review any of your work, I'll gladly do such.
As soon as I saw the title, I almost laughed since the topic was just so...you.
Also, this is crazy, but my name is Samantha and I have a brother called Victor. I was like, whoa, when I read the names.
Okay for the story itself now. The beginning gave me a sense of normality, like I was looking inside the mind of any other everyday girl. From there on, the whole thing spiraled into a mess of well, 'dementophobia'. The clashing, spiteful and messy voices really brought out the conflicting emotions inside of her.
One thing is the line, “We're not going to leave you, Hailstrom. What kind of friends would we be if we did that?” It kind of confused me because I got the impression that italics was the nicer side and bold was the more hateful voice, but that line was almost like it was comforting her. Was it suppose to be sarcasm or did I misunderstand?
Other than that, its pretty much perfect. I really like the 'frail-looking arms, sprinters legs' part, it really brought out her character for me for some reason