Paper Planes (Ch2)

August 31, 2015
Novel / Chapter: Fantasy, Mystery / Suspense
5 comments (5 reviews)

I had decided to back off trying to fight, because maybe this encounter happened for a reason. So, I continued to follow him, pulling me swiftly through many trees and bushes; I was surprised by how fast he moved. Then we arrived at some sort of small town. All the houses were painted in vibrant colors and saturated beige colored streets. The town wasn’t flat, but the land had small hills in a few places. It seemed to look like the type of town to always host cute and lovely festivals, but the streets were completely empty. And when I looked behind me to find the boy and ask him about it, he had disappeared!

I strolled around the lively, yet abandoned, town. It felt like I was the only person left in existence. And the town did not at all have the look of an abandoned town, but nobody was here! So I walked around all the streets, running my hands along the colorful walls. But nearby I could hear the sound of sobbing, so out of curiosity, I headed toward the sound until I saw a peach-colored house, and creaked open the door. I could see a little girl in the corner of the room. She was kneeling on the floor, and staring down at it, faced away from the open room. The cry sounded oddly familiar, as if it was someone I knew that was crying, and I recognized it. I stepped closer to her, and reached my hand to her back to try and calm her down.

“A-Are you alright?” I placed my hand on her back. I could see her slowly turning her face so our eyes would meet, and I realized, that this little girl… was me!

I stepped back and turned towards the door, realizing then that the door had been shut closed. I went up to rattle the door handle, but it wouldn’t open! The classic trap.

“W-What is this place!?” I panicked. “Someone! Help!” I yelled out at the top of my lungs. The little girl walked forward, our eyes met, and she reached out, and hugged me. I slowly began to calm down, and my breathing went back to normal.

“…You’re me.” I told her. She looked up at me, and smiled, then slowly faded away, and disappeared.

I then placed both hands on the sides of my head, overcome by what I did not understand. I began to sink down onto the floor, and I sat there, awkwardly contemplating my life.

After what seemed to be an hour of panicking, feeling nauseous, and having anxiety attacks, I finally mustered the decency to try and find out what was going on here. I went to rattle the door again, and heard a lock click noise. The door seemed to have unlocked itself, so I turned the knob and looked around outside for a moment. It was dark out, but lanterns were lit up in the streets.

I stepped outside and slowly closed the door as it creaked a bit. I made sure to be quiet in case anything wanted to jump out at me, which is always a fun time. I folded my arms and hugged my body. I looked around and made sure to be quiet with every step. I went towards a little food stand. There was no one manning the stand, but I grabbed a piece of chicken from it anyway. In front of me at the stand, I then noticed the same boy that was at the dock. He had breezy brown hair with dark-brown eyes. He seemed to be gazing into my eyes, and I simply scoffed and walked away. I was confused, but I was getting a bit used to this weird place. But now I had to find a way out of it.

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Reviews: 93

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Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:59 pm

Lefty wrote a review...

Hi, there! Lefty back for chapter 2!

This story is getting very interesting indeed! With her meeting her younger self and the abandoned town? I wonder what will happen next! The story has an almost eery, fantasy feel. Like Alice in Wonderland. I like stories that have a strong feel to them. Nice job!

Onto a few nitpicks:

...the door had been shut closed.

I think closed shut would flow a little better.

I notice that you use exclamation points a lot in your story. It's like your trying to make something sound shocking, as if you're reading a storybook to little kids. I think in many of the instances where you use exclamation points, like "he had disappeared!" it would be stronger if you made it suspenseful instead of surprising. If she is surprised, you can express it through her actions. Did her heart jump? Did she gasp? Did her hands tremble? If you overuse exclamation points, it can dull the affect when you use them for something that really is exciting. Or if you use them a lot in dialogue when it's not necessary, then later the character is screaming at someone, it won't have as much affect later because you've already used it for something when they weren't screaming. Does that makes sense?

Unless you were going for the whimsical children tale feel and sound to the story. If that was your intention, then on with the exclamation points!

And... that's it for the nitpicks! Overall, still a very cool story and I'm curious to know what will happen next! Keep up the good work and keep writing!

-Lefty

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Sun Sep 27, 2015 8:21 pm

racket wrote a review...

Hello again, Jupiter! It is obviously racket, who is reviewing your chapter.
THEY SCOFF AT THE GUY? WHHHHAAAATTT???!!!! They were left stranded in a strange town, the only other person they had seen beside their own self, who disappeared, and they scoff and walk away? Whhhhaaaaaattttt.....?????
XD Okay, well, that is my immediate reaction. Is this an alternate dimension, and main character here eats their chicken and destroys their alternate dimension self?
I would suggest figure out some way to show us, not tell us, what your M.C. looks like and is named and what gender they are (I am quite curious). I would also like to suggest some dialogue? The descriptions of the town and wandering around alone is not really enough material to make one whole chapter. Maybe add in some frazzled thoughts and ideas as to how M.C. here might leave the town? Or find actual people? Or explore the town? Try and really describe how the town looks festive, without the people. I always think things are more joyous occasions once you look into the expressions of the people, and what the people are doing and what the people are saying and if the people are having a good time. People tend to be a main characteristic of literature, or at least characters, and so far you have two, one of which is so far mute and ignored by the M.C. from Toronto.
XD Sorry, that also sounded harsh. I'm just excited! I want to know what's going on, who the mysterious guy is, what the town is, where the story is going! It's juts a little slow and lacking in description. And we have no explanations, which is mysterious, but maybe add in more mysterious components, such as vague conversations between M.C. and mystery boy, searching the town for the music, maybe whispers and unsettled elements in the town to really make it a more intriguing read to your readers. Description and detail is the best way to go with any story!
I hope this review helped... I think it made sense. But keep up the great work! I am enjoying the story so far, even if it is a little slow for my taste. But I really am very curious about the mystery guy... Keep up the great work!
~racket

xJupiter says...

The main character is a girl, since her younger self is a girl. I sort of thought this was obvious since her younger self was female in the story.

racket says...

.......Sorry, that was just me being tired and stupid. XD

xJupiter says...

Eh, no worries. >w<

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Sun Sep 27, 2015 12:14 am

RagingLive wrote a review...

Why, what have we here? Another chapter? Hey, Juppie! Raging here to review Chapter 2 of Paper Planes!

So, I continued to follow him, pulling me swiftly through many trees and bushes;

You kind of have to reread this a time or two to actually understand what you are saying. I cracked the code - no autographs, please - so let's see what we can do so that it's easier for other readers!
"So I continued to follow him as he pulled me swiftly through the many trees and bushes;"

I strolled around the lively, yet abandoned, town.

This is a complete oxymoron. Or maybe I'm the moron and am just missing something. But please, either resolve this or tell me what I missed.

She looked up at me, and smiled, then slowly faded away, and disappeared.

This is kind of an oddly worded sentence. If she faded away, then she disappeared already. If you still want to keep both, however, here's a way:
"She looked up at me and smiled, then slowly faded away, disappearing completely."

After what seemed to be an hour of panicking, feeling nauseous, and having anxiety attacks,

I would really like to see some of what's going on here rather then just be told. Here's an blog post that was a staff pick and might help you out in the department of showing and not telling.

On, on, on to the next chapter as soon as I can go! I really like this story so far, Xas! You've done a great job so far!

Keep writing and keep on smiling!!

~RagingLive

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Tue Sep 01, 2015 12:16 am

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iamanaspiringwriter wrote a review...

I think the story is great so far, it has much potential! I definitely like the unique plot, I can really picture the town in my mind! However, I do have a few suggestions! Personally, I would include more of what the character feels. There are many observations, but not much on how the character feels. Also, when you said,

"I strolled around the lively, yet abandoned, town. It felt like I was the only person left in existence. And the town did not at all have the look of an abandoned town, but nobody was here!"

I felt like it was a slight bit repetitive, because in the first sentence you said it was a lively, yet abandoned town. In the last sentence, you say "but nobody was here!" I just feel like it was a bit repetitive, but I think that is probably personal preference.

I definitely would like to read more of this story! Keep up the great work!

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Mon Aug 31, 2015 11:51 pm

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Tuesday wrote a review...

Hello Tuesday here for a review!

I like short chapters like this, easy to read one sitting also this isn't based of Chapter 1 so shall we begin? A few thing I enjoy in this chapter would be the detail of writing- such as the though process of when you put these words onto a scree and write them out. The imagery in here is quite something too yet I feel like there should be a little more.

Then we arrived at some sort of small town. All the houses were painted in vibrant colors and saturated beige colored streets. The town wasn’t flat, but the land had small hills in a few places. It seemed to look like the type of town to always host cute and lovely festivals, but the streets were completely empty.

To break down this little chuck, I would break it down or conjoin some things together so it can flow nicely when reading. Try using some similes when writing it again or simply take some parts out since they seem to drag on the sense of reading it.

The beginning, to me, seemed to dragged me out (that could be since I haven't read the beginning) but nonetheless. The first sentence of a novel or chapter should grab the reader- like a hook almost. Or you could keep it the way you want to, up to you completely. I would also like to focus on some punctuation marks throughout this chapter.

And when I looked behind me to find the boy and ask him about it, he had disappeared!

I feel like the exclamation mark seemed a bit force however it does how emotion for the character. I wouldn't also- again a suggestion- not begin a sentence with and instead conjoin it with the previous sentence to flow easier.

The last paragraph confused me a little, like it easier shifted as the boy was there. How could he have gone there? Just me being confuse or something.

Overall, I think this chapter is lovely. Enjoyed the little shifts and something I would write when if I could be bored. I hope to read more of this when you are done.

Farewell,
Tuesday

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Paper Planes (Ch2)

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