The lights are lucid today. Under the canopy, the lights are nice, today. I don’t believe they were the days I’ve lived before today. Mama rasps me up and down.
She tells me the canopy isn’t there.
And the lights strangle me down under. To wherever under us is.
Fingers of creases dug into fluttery flesh hold me by the arm. Canopy is between us though, her hands and my arm. I watch her fear, seeming through her skin. But I don’t feel it; it’s frigidness is outside my canopy.
She screams and kills me soon. Telling me there is no canopy. But I will not live without my canopy. It cannot be removed.
Lights will be nice again, tomorrow.
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138,262 Literary Works • 672,091 Reviews
Well, I really like this work, you can probably guess why.....
Im sorry but i didn't get it.
I mean you have a way with your words, I just was... confussed. I didn't reallyget what was going on or what the point was.
Dont give up!
Okay, it doesn’t make much sense. No problem, I can still correct your grammar.
You don’t need the comma between ‘nice’ and ‘today’.
You change verb tenses here. In your first sentence, you said ‘are’. In this one, you use ‘were’. Also, I think it would flow better if you cut the ‘the’. It should be, “I don’t believe they are days I’ve lived before today.”
When reading, it sounds as though the ‘Fingers’ are made of ‘creases’. This is, however, not true. ‘Fingers’ are made of ‘creases dug into fluttery flesh’. The way you word it, though, makes it sound as though the crease-Fingers are dug into fluttery flesh. It’s all in the way you word it. Change!
‘Seeming’ is not a verb. I think you mean ‘seeping’.
“It’s” with an apostrophe between the ‘it’ and ‘s’ means ‘it is’. You want the other kind, ‘its’. When you want ‘its’ to be possessive, don’t put an apostrophe after the s (its’) since that’s just redundant. Just leave it as a normal ‘its’.
You switched to this right after describing the ‘Canopy’, and since the ‘Canopy’ is the nice thing, I think you’re referring to the MC’s mother (who is, I believe, currently rasping him up and down). This shift in pronouns is confusing, and you need to refer to the mother again to verify it.
Canopy is a word you use rather fluidly. In some places, you refer to it as a person, and capitalize it. But in the sentence, ‘Telling me there is no canopy,’ you refer to it as as a lowercase ‘canopy’. Be consistent.
Keep writing!
Jenth
Hello there.
I have to agree with WickedWonder and Zekkie876... This is confusing. I didn't really get it.
Okay. So, I think it kind of makes sense now that I've read it a second time. But I still think you should add more. More about what's happening. Who's the person that is talking? Who's his/her mom? Is he/she insane? Or does she/he think they are fine? You see what I mean... So many questions left unanswered... Anyways, I would recommend you read it over, and make sure they are answers that are answered.
Keep writing!
-Other One
I agree with wickedwonder
This was too short for a good fiction piece w/substance
If you added on, I am sure that it will be amazing!
That was confusing.
I know that that is flash fiction, but maybe you could describe whats actually happening, and add some emotion.
Right now, it's just some words strung together, and I can't get a good feel of anything going on. Slow way down, describe. I want know know what it feels like for your MC, I want to have a clear understanding whats going on.
~WickedWonder