Young Writers Society

Hey, winie. Just to let you know, we usually like you to post two reviews to other people's works before posting your own stuff. It's great that you're posting your work, and that you've already critted someone's work, just keep it up before posting anything else.

Anyways, on with the crit.

Honestly, I found this prologue a bit all over the place. You put in a lot of needless information that probably wouldn't come up (chocolate ice cream, for one thing), and you're writing in first person, which is always difficult. You'll need to think long and hard about how exactly your protagonist is telling her story.

Let's go line by line.

My cold voice ringed through the alley, making every part of my body shiver. first of all, "rang" not "ringed". Second of all, what did she say? Why mention "my voice" ringing if you don't tell us what "my voice" says? I wished I wasn’t here, I wish “this”, never begun. My red hair swept over my shoulders. The same red hair people loved, and admired, and said “Ooh! I love your hair Kayla!”, was now dry and dead looking. A good contrast, though it's odd bringing up what people say about her hair here. It needs to be integrated better. Also, very little description of the setting, both here and in the rest of the piece. People seem to just be floating in thin air (which may be okay for the faerie, but....)

“My dear, this isn’t the end of my comings and goings. I will be back. And this time, soon”.

I listened to the soft, gentle voice, and I felt like a blanket of warmness has just been placed around me. “Why will you come soon? Can you tell me? And why haven’t you been coming that much?”, my rush of questions went down my throat in a few seconds. There needs to be a lot more emotion here. Give us some of her inner thoughts as she's asking these questions.

The fairy smiled. I stared for a few moments. I had never realized her beauty before, when I first saw her, (about two years ago), she looked quite ugly to me, ugly and old. But now I could see the bright silver hair, the huge smile…

“Your questions will have to wait my dear. But, again, I will be back soon. Many things have been going on in the magical world, not very good things. I promise though, that your questions will be answered”.

I sat with my back on the alley wall, and not registering what Nella had just said at all. I had been actually thinking about if the ice cream I had at lunch was vanilla or strawberry, (I know it wasn't chocolate, but I hate that flavor). Is she really this scattered mentally? If not, I'd remove this altogether, or at least tone it down. If she is... well, then I'd suggest her seeing a psych. She was curious just a moment ago!

“Kayla!”, she snapped in a cold, annoyed voice. I flew back from LaLa land, and stared at Nella. She never yelled, she never grew inpatient. Ever, not for the last year, not for all the time I knew her.

“You have to listen! This will be needed, in the future. Now, my dear, listen and listen carefully. Time is running out, things are happening. I can’t tell you all the details, but someone is ruling the magical world, who shouldn't. I must go”, and with a faint swish, Nella had gone, disappeared in thin air.

I looked at the air, which was once Nella. It looked more magical then the last time I came. But, of course, air can’t be magical. I sighed, and stood up. It would be a pretty long walk home, about an hour. I looked at my watch, it was past midnight.

So, what the heck is going on here? I’m Kayla Bronx, and thirteen. I met a fairy two years ago, in sixth grade. She said I was needed for the future, I was the one. She pops in every few weeks. That’s what’s happening. Done, finished. It’s kind of cool to know that there’s really fairies, and mermaids, and wizards in the world, but not as cool as I thought.

See, Nella never really says much. Just that I’ll be needed and I should be ready, stuff like that. And there’s always the fact about meeting in the middle of no where, in the middle of night. I live in San Diego by the way. So, it’s pretty easy to get mugged… and much, much worse. So, I got a gift from Nella.

Yeah, I have to admit it’s pretty cool. Well, it’s a cloak, that make me safe all the time. It does not make me invisible or anything, it’s just a plain old cloak. But when a group of teenagers came trotting toward me one night, my heart was bumping about a hundred times a second, and then they just, turned around.

INFODUMP! okay, sorry, It's just the most common thing to see in fantasy and scifi stories, and it's not easy to fix, but it's easy to avoid. Just don't do it! less is more, and if you can't spread the information out in an engaging way, then it's probably not necessary anyways. The last three paragraphs were classic infodump, giving us two years worth of information in three paragraphs. Try pulling pieces of it into the story in other places. Maybe instead of thinking of chocolate ice cream (sorry, that just really stuck out to me ) she can think about how cryptic Nella always is. Little stuff like that.

I walked out of the alley and continued my journey home.

I flew back from LaLa land, and stared at Nella.