Andrea stopped to take a breath. She had forgotten her water, and was panting terribly. After a few minutes, her father showed up. "Your sweating so hard it seems like someone dropped a bucket of water on your head!" Andrea exclaimed. Her father ignored her, and took out his water.
Andrea tried to leap for the water, but he didn't give it to her. "Your the one who didn't pack water. It will be a lesson for next time" he said strictly. Andrea stayed there, not knowing what to do. If she didn't get water she might faint! Her father started going up when she yelled "Please! I need water!" He didn't even look back, and soon he was a lot higher then Andrea.
Mostly because he was going twice as fast as before the break. Then he stopped and looked back. Andrea could barely see him, but squinted her eyes and noticed that he stopped. "Remember to be home by five o'clock! Mother has another Summer Party!" he screamed and started again.
She stayed where she was, not moving. Andrea knew perfectly well she could reach the top of the mountain, and beat her father at it too. But she just couldn't move. She tugged on the rope and slowly felt her feet touching the ground. She stood up, took off the ropes, and leaned on the mountain.
Andrea then realized that "Father's going to take an hour! What am I suppose to do!" she said. Andrea had no car, she was 15, and the nearest town was at least 30 minutes away. The only choice available was to wait for him, until he came down. She lay herself on the rock, and decided to sleep, but it was only 3 o'clock in the afternoon. She imagined what father would say "It is no time for sleeping! Your suppose to be practicing for your mission! Get up right now, before I make you practice twice as hard!" he'd yell sharply.
He was a very st rick man, and very tall as well. He had thick black hair, and his hands were as big as a giant's. He wasn't really that muscular. Andrea's father looked more like a secret agent, and that he was. Andrea looked at herself. Nobody would ever think she was some kind of super hero. She had long gold hair, that went all the way down to her waist, if she wore it loose. Her eyes looked exactly like fat almonds, and she was skinny. Very skinny indeed. She was actually a bit short, and had a bit of muscle. But she was very skinny.
Her mother always told her "Eat up! Eat up! Or you'll soon will be like paper" she'd say stuffing spoons of soup into her mouth. Andrea hated that, when they treated her like an eight year old, when she was already 15. Andrea then thought about the mission. Only two days ago, a black man with a black suit, and a brief case told her in the movie theater.
It was a strange place, to arrange a mission interview, but it felt normal. Andrea would think that people would stop and stare at him, and the the little kids point fingers. But people acted like he wasn't even there. She had memorized what he had told her, and said it every hour of her day. Except, of course when she slept.
"Andrea Rider, we have a mission for you to accomplish. Your brother, Alex Rider, is too busy doing something else, so he suggested you. It is to capture . . ." the words were sinking into her brain. She stood up, and decided that she would walk somewhere. Or else, she would bore to death.
She walked a couple of minutes, when she found a pond with frogs jumping all over. Little fish were swimming, or more zooming. It seemed like a play ground for water animals. She bended her knee, and put her hand in the water. It was warm, actually. She took off her shoes, and rolled up her pants. She was boiling now. Her father made her wear pants, even in the summer, while mountain climbing to protect her legs.
She dipped her feet and relaxed. It seemed like some warm smoothing thing ran through her body. Her neck ached, and her toe hurt ed from the kick on the rock. Andrea hadn't realized the time, when her father was standing right next to her. "I can't believe this! You have a mission to complete, you are already late for mother's Summer Party, and your relaxing here, in this filthy pond! Get up!" he pushed Andrea, and she finally got up.
Andrea had dirt on her legs, shoes, back and everywhere else you can imagine. "You are going to climb that mountain today!" he said. "But, it's already getting dark, and as you said I'm late for-" "I don't care! All I know is your going to climb that mountain! Now Start!" he yelled. At that moment Andrea pretty much hated her father. She hated the missions, and the practices, and her father yelling at her and not giving her water, and everything else.
Andrea started to cry. She couldn't handle this! She ran off, but of course her father was faster then her. "Look, Andrea, I'm sorry, but you must practice. You need to accomplish that mission. I'll be so proud of you, when you do." he said resting his arms on her shoulder. She decided that she wanted to complete the mission too.
Three Days Later
Andrea had finished the mission, and ready for her next one. Beating her dad to the bottom of a Strawberry Smoothie.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,425 Reviews
Ok. Here is what i think you should do.
1)- I would suggest you describe Andrea more. How she moved, why she was a super hero. Skinny - Eh she is training with her father, climbing mountains, making missions. You cant tell that she is "very" skinny. More of a "svelte","slim"...not skinny. Try putting her strenght and agility at front.
2)- She is dying of thrist! Describe what she felt inside of her. The hate for her father. Make a battle in her mind like "I`m not going to make this! - Yes i am going to make this! But i need water ! Hell with water! I`ll get it when i`m finish!"
3) The part when she founds a pond. Again she needed water. Her first reaction would be to try to drink the water ... you know what i mean.
4) Her brother... describe him! You`ve let the name hang in the air.
Well yea well i`m not the best reviewer but i hope this will help you. And i would like to see the other missions.
I won't quote like everyone else did. They pretty much wrapped it up. You do know how to write, and well. Just put your story in Word and try and edit it that way. Its a lot easier.
Something I will suggest is give us some more detail. You started out like the mission was the most important thing that Andrea has to do, and then when the time comes to do it, you completely skip over the whole mission. We never find out what it was or how she did it.
But overall you did an extremely nice job on the story.
Just so you know, I didn't read the other critiques, so pardon any repetition. Besides, two opinions on one thing are always better than one, right?
I did this a lot in the earlier stages of my time writing. I, like you did, used unnecessary words to describe that time had passed. It's unnecessary since the time lapse doesn't affect the story much. I'd rewrite this along the lines of 'Her father slowed to a stop beside her'.
Change 'seems' to 'looks'. It's more commonly said this way, so more believable. Also, replace 'dropped' with 'dumped', because the way you said it states that someone dropped the bucket with water in it on his head.
Comma after 'time'.
Higher? Where exactly are they and where are they going? Are they running into the sky somehow? Running up a mountain? What? You need to describe your surroundings more so we can know what's happening.
The word 'screamed' should never be used outside of someone screaming with fear. This just paints the wrong paper for the situation. I'd find a new word.
This sentence repeated the same thing twice. Got to watch out for these.
So it is a mountain...
No comma needed.
Get rid of the word 'will'.
I'm not liking the repetition of the word black. Maybe you could mention he's black later?
So it is an Alex Rider Fanfic. In that case this should probably be in fan fiction. Also, Alex Rider doesn't have a sister. Just a little while after he was born his parents died in the plain crash, and he was given to his uncle Ian Rider. Also, Alex hates what the government makes him do. In almost every book they have to force him to do it. This leads to me wondering, why would he suggest his own sister to the government? That's actually really cruel.
Overall this was a good read and easy to finish. Good job, but you still need to work on descriptions. Keep it up.
Well, what should I say? The others had already pointed out the mistakes. But first I like to say, that what's this story about? It doesn't seem to have an exact plot or direction. Atleast cut the after three days part. It's too melodramatic.
Okay, nit-picks,
This doesn't seem like a good start for this story. I mean, atleast write a description of what she is doing.
You are. Not your.
Change this to "So this will be a lesson for next time"
Higher than Andrea.
What does this mean?
I think you should put "your" before the mother part. It wasn't her father's mother he was talking about, was he?
"Perfectly well that she could"
You start this by saying that Andrea realized and ends the sentence with a "said". Most likely she though about this.
"The only choice available was to wait for her father to come down."
I cut the last part because we all know that he will yell that.
Er......strict.
Pants? In the summer? On a boiling day? Strange. Oh yeah, you should have written "Her blouse was so soaked sweat that it looked as if it was hundred percent transparent." or something.
I think 'hurted' is bit odd for this. Maybe bled?
These two shouldn't be interconnected. One is said by Andrea and the other by her father.
Cut this part, because it makes your story useless.
So, overall, it was a good story, but it had it's downs. It needed more description and SPACING!!
Fix those and get this to a good place.
Good luck.
I totally agree with Sela. If you don't tell us what the mission is, what's the point of this story? To tell that Alex Rider has a sister? It seemed a little funny to me. And you should also make the title a little more interesting, I think.
There were some grammar things, but I'm sure the-one-who-has-logic-to-her-username-but-won't-tell-it-to-me pointed them all out already!
But I liked the fact that this has something to with Alex Rider.
All the best to you,
Demeter
JF certainly hit the nail on the head.
However, I have a few quick things to say as well.
Is there a reason you couldn't elaborate on the mission? I mean, it seems kind of odd, how she suddenly decides to climb the mountain, and then POOF, the mission is over, and she's finishing a milkshake.
It would be much more grabbing if you made it about the actual mission, and not a tiny bit of training.
And, a quick suggestion, if you make another chapter, why don't you make that one about a mission? I think that would get you more reviews and so on.
Good luck,
Sela
I definitely agree with the spacing. I ended up just editing this in Word, adding my own paragraphs so it was readable.
Since YWS doesn't allow us to use indents, spacing is necessary.
Also, you need to review some people's work before posting.
Now, your story. I liked the idea, it caught my attention. You had some grammar mistakes, and you did rush it too mush. If you just take some of your sentences and explain more; her senses (touch, smell, sight, etc.) that would work a lot better. That's your main problem; you jumped from one thing to another without explaining the first.
Bold=Grammar/spelling.
Expand before this; it's too boring for the first paragraph.
Wrong form of 'you're.'
If you must have this, I guess it’s all right, but it’s generally not a good idea to put these words (can’t remember what they’re called…) after said. I think the dialogue explains it well enough.
This sort of changes quickly. First, she seems calm, then she’s about to faint? Either make this one less dramatic, or make the last sentence more urgent.
Why’s him going twice as fast earlier make him higher when he waited with her? This sentence is a little odd.
You say this twice. I suggest dumping the second sentence.
I think ‘yelled’ or ‘called out’ would fit better. He doesn’t seem like the type of person to scream – that’s what little girls throwing temper tantrums do.
I’m pretty sure you left something out in the first part. You said she realized something, but what did she realize?
If she is fifteen, she is obviously not going to have a car. I think this is a little too much information in one sentence; I suggest getting rid of fifteen or no car, since they back each other up. Also, you tell us she is 15 later on, so you can just leave the one later.
Grammar stuff.
Grammar/spelling. By the way, you're=you are.
WOW. We do not need to know all of this. Most people, myself included, make a picture of the person in their head, and don’t want to be told every detail. If you must, place tiny details in throughout it. EX: her father could have pulled the straps of his backpack over his broad shoulders, or Andrea’s golden hair spread out around her like a fan when she laid down. There are many articles on things like this, but just remember NOT to lecture us with descriptions.
You said ‘told her’ and ‘said’ about the same dialogue; delete one of them.
You just ended the flashback; go to a new paragraph.
Just added two words.
Like you said, of course. We know this, no need to tell us.
I think this makes him less professional. Any other way to word it, or just by saying ‘too busy?’
Just a little fix-up.
This sounded a bit off. Maybe ‘it was actually rather warm?’
Finally! I was very confused on this. I like that you don’t tell us what she’s doing until now, but at least tell us where she is sooner.
Any better wording? ‘Some smoothing thing’ sound too childish for her vocabulary; she IS fifteen, after all.
No clue how this got in there, but it's out of place. Just a little typo.
I think you should allow her to relax a bit before, and then start a new paragraph. It feels like she was laying down for all of five seconds before her father appeared. Maybe explain why she didn’t want to climb the mountain while she’s relaxing, and then have her father interrupt her thoughts?
Someone new speaks=new paragraph. I liked how she uses excuses, though.
Didn't need that upper-case S.
Just personal preference; I think it sounds a bit better this way.
Expand. A LOT.
Don't let her give in so quick; no one will respect her. Besides, she's a teenager, she's supposed to be stubborn.
This seems rather unneeded. You kind of end the last paragraph saying that she will complete the mission, and here you are just continuing it. If this is just because it’s leading to another chapter, then you can leave this out and start with her actually finishing this mission in the next one.
_________________________
Don't worry that this review is long; just a lot of tiny nit-picky things.
Overall, this WAS pretty good. Just look at what I said, and everyone else, and you will have a pretty good piece of writing with you. Add spacing and people will actually read this. Good job, and feel free to PM me with anything else to be reviewed or if you have any questions!
~JFW1415
I would probably say add spaces between Paragraphs. Then I will read and comment. thats probably why i'm the first.
Not to be harsh or anything.