Emily Fisher and her Life (finished)

"Run away! Emily, you know you should, your life is horrible. Run away from your worries. From your terrible class mates, from your aunt. Running away will solve your problems".

The man spoke slowly, so I could hear every word. I couldn’t see him, but I knew he was somewhere, hiding. “I’m not leaving! You can’t make me! I’ll-I’ll starve!” I screamed. He chuckled mysteriously.

“Fine! I won’t be the one that will live a life, that isn’t fit for living. Ignore me, if you like. But I will always be here, to remind you, TIME IS RUNNING OUT!” he yelled. The walls had paint pealing off from his yell.

“If your so big and great, why don’t you come out and show yourself!” I asked. I couldn’t believe I had just said that. What if he was so great, and big and came out of his dark shadow, to destroy me.

“As you wish”. Minutes went by being silent. I waited, and waited, until I knew he was gone. He had left the empty room. I wanted to get out, go home, but I couldn’t find a door, or a window, nothing.

And then, I saw it. The bright green light. Right in front of me was a sparking light. I couldn’t figure out what the shape was. It almost blinded me, being so bright. I stepped closer. I had become interested, and in seconds, I had came so close to the light, I could’ve touched it if I wanted.

“Let me out! Let me out!” I begged. Tears came pouring down my eyes. I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea what was going on. “Listen to me. Follow my orders and your life will be well. Everyone is happy when I give them advice. Everyone” the light spoke exactly like the man, or creature, or light, that had spoken before.

“I love my life. I love myself. And you can not do anything about it!” I screamed. Instantly, I felt a sort of creature going through my body. It looked like I had been turned into the green color. And then into a bright light. A few seconds went by when I found myself in bed, wrapped with the usual orange blanket, grandma had sewed for me. And wearing the same jeans, and sweater I had been in my dream.

But this was weird and not right. I clearly remember waking up that morning, and going to school with the same people, and then getting lost walking home, and getting to that empty room. I even remember the day before that, and the day before that.

How could I just pop in bed, when some light is about to destroy me? Had it been magic? Had it been really just a dream, all along? I didn’t know the answer to that, and I still don’t now. But I do know what my Aunt said next.

“WAKE UP, YOU PIG! WHO SLEEPS THIS LATE!? GET UP AND TAKE OUT THE TRASH!” My mom died of a heart attack when I was seven years old. My dad had lived with me for three years, and when I was ten, he decided to hand me over to my aunt and uncle.

My dad didn’t have enough money to pay for my clothes, and food, and everything else. My dad was caring, and loving. I can’t believe he left. But when he did, my dad gave me something. He said “If I could choose the person I love most in the world, it’d be you, Emily. I’m giving you this- this thing. When you’ll be ready, you’ll learn how to work it. And remember, I’ll be back for you. I’ll have all the money in the world, and welcome you back to my life. Good bye”.

The words had sunk into my brain. I remembered every word, and still had the thing he gave me. I’m still not sure what it is. It’s a small ball that lights up with cherry red color in the inside.

The outside is transparent, and squishy. “I’M WAITING YOU DOG!” my aunt screamed. I was used to her being rude and nasty. She hates me for one reason: my mom. My mom always was better then my aunt.

And since I’m her daughter, my aunt hates me. My uncle isn’t as bad, but still is terrible. When I had both my parents, I used to live in a normal house, in the suburbs of New York. We were perfectly fine, a family of three. Until my mom died, and my dad and I had to move into a tiny condo.

My aunt stomped all the way into my room. “NOW!” she roared. “Ok. Fine. I’m going” I answered. She pulled my ear, hard. “You will call me ma’am or Mrs. Fisher when you talk to me”.

I don’t know how much I hate my aunt, but I know it’s a lot. I took the four trash bags from the kitchen, and walked all the way to the dump. The dump is five blocks or so from the trailer I live in. So, with the heat of the summer, the heaviness of the trash bags, and the distance of the dump, I always end up doing it.

When I got back, my uncle looked at me, like I was an animal. And according to my aunt, I am. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to bed in school?” he asked. He was eating a cold biscuit and milk.

I grabbed for one, but he snatched it away from me. “You haven’t answered my question!” he said impatiently. “It’s Saturday. We don’t have school on Saturday” I answered. “Well, I don’t care. Get out of the house now!” he ordered.

I didn’t even care to say “what?”. I just went to my room, grabbed the thing, and went outside the trailer.

The trailer park I live in is really big. There's 128 trailers in all. My neighbor, Tom, is one of the many people that make my life miserable. He calls me a loser, stupid, and really weird. He steals my soggy cheese sandwich at lunch, laughs at me, and makes everyone hate me. Oh, and there's more. Tom lies to the teacher about me all the time.

I tell the teacher and the students, I didn't say that, or I didn't do that, and no one believes me. Not even the teacher. Kate and Anna are one of those people too. They pull pranks on me. Like once, they put a giant spider in my backpack. Everyone knows I hate spiders. Another time they replaced the icing of my Oreo, to glue.

And that time, the only time, Tom didn't steal it. They've done a bunch others. Put ketchup on my seat. Take my homework and cut it to shreds. I walked all the way up to the entrance of the trailer park.

I sat down on the bench, and stared at the thing. I had to figure out what it was. This was the perfect time. I needed it to concentrate. Maybe it was a word I had to say? I looked at the little bad, and said what it reminded me of.

"Happiness. Peace. Joy" Nothing happened. The red swirled around in circles, then the ball started hopping a little bit on my hand. "Perfect. Kind. Dad" The ball jumped four, five inches on my hand.

Something was happening! I was doing it! I had to do it with the last word. I looked at it for a long time, and realized the perfect word. "Love! Love! Love!" I repeated several times.

The ball opened. I had done it! The red went through my body. I could feel it. The hope, the peace, the love. Soon, all the red was finished. I looked at the remaining of the ball. I tucked it away in my pocket and went to sleep on the bench.

I woke up in a different place. It looked like my old bedroom. No… this couldn’t be… it must be a dream. My mom and dad entered the room “I told you I’d be back” my dad said.

TO BE CONTINUED

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User avatar
kaitlyn
Review

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well this started out pretty nice, there was a touch of confusion in the middle but then that ending was pretty darn good and quite a wonderful little premise there. I would certainly love to know what happens after this.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Run away! Emily, you know you should, your life is horrible. Run away from your worries. From your terrible class mates, from your aunt. Running away will solve your problems".

The man spoke slowly, so I could hear every word. I couldn’t see him, but I knew he was somewhere, hiding. “I’m not leaving! You can’t make me! I’ll-I’ll starve!” I screamed. He chuckled mysteriously.


That sounds like absolutely terrible advice right there, not going to lie. Well...certainly starting this story off with a bit of a bang right there. Looks like our protagonist is in a spot of bother here.

“Fine! I won’t be the one that will live a life, that isn’t fit for living. Ignore me, if you like. But I will always be here, to remind you, TIME IS RUNNING OUT!” he yelled. The walls had paint pealing off from his yell.


Well I love that little bit of exaggerated description there at the end.

“If your so big and great, why don’t you come out and show yourself!” I asked. I couldn’t believe I had just said that. What if he was so great, and big and came out of his dark shadow, to destroy me.


Oh...kay well this gets interesting..

And then, I saw it. The bright green light. Right in front of me was a sparking light. I couldn’t figure out what the shape was. It almost blinded me, being so bright. I stepped closer. I had become interested, and in seconds, I had came so close to the light, I could’ve touched it if I wanted.


OOoh...well that sounds like an interesting piece of information...my attention has been properly hooked now.

“Let me out! Let me out!” I begged. Tears came pouring down my eyes. I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea what was going on. “Listen to me. Follow my orders and your life will be well. Everyone is happy when I give them advice. Everyone” the light spoke exactly like the man, or creature, or light, that had spoken before.


Well...a very wise sounding light...

“I love my life. I love myself. And you can not do anything about it!” I screamed. Instantly, I felt a sort of creature going through my body. It looked like I had been turned into the green color. And then into a bright light. A few seconds went by when I found myself in bed, wrapped with the usual orange blanket, grandma had sewed for me. And wearing the same jeans, and sweater I had been in my dream.


Well...okay sounds like quite a bit of magic going on in this world...pretty interesting so far.

But this was weird and not right. I clearly remember waking up that morning, and going to school with the same people, and then getting lost walking home, and getting to that empty room. I even remember the day before that, and the day before that.


Ohh...memories are involved in this.

“WAKE UP, YOU PIG! WHO SLEEPS THIS LATE!? GET UP AND TAKE OUT THE TRASH!” My mom died of a heart attack when I was seven years old. My dad had lived with me for three years, and when I was ten, he decided to hand me over to my aunt and uncle.


Oh well, that's a bit of a weird place to put that description, like that line just comes straight out of nowhere and then it gets transitioned into a sudden bit of backstory...which is not great ther.

My dad didn’t have enough money to pay for my clothes, and food, and everything else. My dad was caring, and loving. I can’t believe he left. But when he did, my dad gave me something. He said “If I could choose the person I love most in the world, it’d be you, Emily. I’m giving you this- this thing. When you’ll be ready, you’ll learn how to work it. And remember, I’ll be back for you. I’ll have all the money in the world, and welcome you back to my life. Good bye”.


Well...that's a sad backstory although again its kind of hard to figure out what that line was really telling us so it loses a bit of its effect because of that weird transition.

The outside is transparent, and squishy. “I’M WAITING YOU DOG!” my aunt screamed. I was used to her being rude and nasty. She hates me for one reason: my mom. My mom always was better then my aunt.


Well...that's a textbook case of jealousy...oh dear....not a great situation to live in or grow up in.

And since I’m her daughter, my aunt hates me. My uncle isn’t as bad, but still is terrible. When I had both my parents, I used to live in a normal house, in the suburbs of New York. We were perfectly fine, a family of three. Until my mom died, and my dad and I had to move into a tiny condo.

My aunt stomped all the way into my room. “NOW!” she roared. “Ok. Fine. I’m going” I answered. She pulled my ear, hard. “You will call me ma’am or Mrs. Fisher when you talk to me”.


Well definitely painting a very sad picture there...

I don’t know how much I hate my aunt, but I know it’s a lot. I took the four trash bags from the kitchen, and walked all the way to the dump. The dump is five blocks or so from the trailer I live in. So, with the heat of the summer, the heaviness of the trash bags, and the distance of the dump, I always end up doing it.


Well these descriptions are certainly doing a pretty good job of driving home the point that things are pretty terrible for this person.

I grabbed for one, but he snatched it away from me. “You haven’t answered my question!” he said impatiently. “It’s Saturday. We don’t have school on Saturday” I answered. “Well, I don’t care. Get out of the house now!” he ordered.


Oh dear...this is just insane how rude these people can even be.

The trailer park I live in is really big. There's 128 trailers in all. My neighbor, Tom, is one of the many people that make my life miserable. He calls me a loser, stupid, and really weird. He steals my soggy cheese sandwich at lunch, laughs at me, and makes everyone hate me. Oh, and there's more. Tom lies to the teacher about me all the time.


Wow everyone is mean to this person...this is getting almost a little too much because at some point it just breaks the suspension of disbelief quite a bit.

I sat down on the bench, and stared at the thing. I had to figure out what it was. This was the perfect time. I needed it to concentrate. Maybe it was a word I had to say? I looked at the little bad, and said what it reminded me of.


Well...this person is taking a lot better tan most people would in such a dire situation.

The ball opened. I had done it! The red went through my body. I could feel it. The hope, the peace, the love. Soon, all the red was finished. I looked at the remaining of the ball. I tucked it away in my pocket and went to sleep on the bench.

I woke up in a different place. It looked like my old bedroom. No… this couldn’t be… it must be a dream. My mom and dad entered the room “I told you I’d be back” my dad said.


Oh whoa...well that was quite an ending right there...a twist that took me totally by surprise. But I do like that premise.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a pretty good start to a story. A few points to be ironed out certainly in those few places that I pointed out but for the most part it was pretty good. At any rate that's all I've got to say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

User avatar
Chirantha
Review

Oooh, different kind of story isn't it? Great work. But your character wasn't made in a great way. I mean she wasn't described well.

Okay, nit-picks,

"Run away! Emily, you know you should, your life is horrible. Run away from your worries. From your terrible class mates, from your aunt. Running away will solve your problems".

Jumped straight to the story, eh? It would have been better if you had described where Emily was.

"Run away!

“I’m not leaving! You can’t make me! I’ll-I’ll starve!”

“Fine! I won’t be the one that will live a life that isn’t fit for living. Ignore me, if you like. But I will always be here, to remind you, TIME IS RUNNING OUT!”

Too many exclamation marks! It makes the effect that both of them are shouting.

“Let me out! Let me out!” I begged.

First she is really interested in the light, then she is crying? I mean, that wouldn't fit.

And wearing the same jeans, and sweater I had been in my dream.

Jeans? Sweater? When sleeping? I thought we have to wear pyjamas. And would she be soaked in sweat after that kind of nightmare?

But I do know what my Aunt said next.

“WAKE UP, YOU PIG! WHO SLEEPS THIS LATE!? GET UP AND TAKE OUT THE TRASH!”
I think she will be bellowing this. And is this morning or night?

My mom always was better then my aunt.

'than'

And that time, the only time, Tom didn't steal it.

What does this mean?

They've done a bunch others. Put ketchup on my seat. Take my homework and cut it to shreds. I walked all the way up to the entrance of the trailer park.

The last sentence should be in a new parahraph.

I woke up in a different place. It looked like my old bedroom. No… this couldn’t be… it must be a dream. [s]My mom and dad entered the room “I told you I’d be back” my dad said. [/s]

The last sentence shouldn't be in this story. Because it should be created an effect of a cliffhanger.

Overall,

I suppose I should say that needed a lot more. I mean, a description of Emily, her aunt, her uncle, of Tom, Kate, Anna, Emily's dad.

So I couldn't picture the characters well.

You should fix these mistakes so as to get this story to a good standard.

Good luck. :wink:



Depression is messin with the wrong person over here cuz in the months that I was doing better I was sharpening my weapons for this war.
— Kaia