The cooling wind blows briefly in the humid July air. As a spotless digital camera clicks away, the girl posing grows more and more anxious. Her soft chocolate brown hair ruffles to a dangerous point where it could be called messy.
Her beauty is unmistakable. From her confident feminine stance to her honey eyes, which sparkle cheerfully, despite the dark shadow she's standing in.
Her name is Katherine Brown. "Unacceptably boring. We definitely need something spicier," as her manager puts it. So her fans know her as-
"Kate Rock! Come on, you can do better then that!" her model tutor yells from his comfortable seat.
Mr. Wright, or as he likes to be called, Mike (because of his sensitivity on the matter of his age) is a forty year old man.
Mike has thinning brown hair, the color remarkably similar to Kate's, and a very long face. Despite the intoxicating smell coming from his breath, he's dressed in designer brands. A Prada tux, Marc Jacobs crocodile belt, Italian lizard dress shoes.
The price of Mike's entire outfit could feed a small South African village for a week. Literally.
He juggles three jobs, a professional pose tutor for celebrities, a male model himself (or at least in his younger days) and a father.
Kate's step father to be exact.
And despite his horrible breath, moody temper, and dieing desire for fame and money, Kate loves him.
As she loves most people.
Kate holds her strong white hands on her curved hips. She kneels down, her extremely long muscular legs coming against the tall damp grass.
She closes her eyes as the melancholy feelings pass.
I wish I could get the hell out of here. I mean, seriously! EVERYONE is staring at me. I really hope they're not gonna ask for autographs. I want to be with mom. Home sweet home. Just pray my voice will live through this tour. PRAY!
The sun dawns on Kate's cold pale face and the clicking stops. The camera has been put away. The crew of seven: cameramen, hair and makeup stylist, and a model tutor, close up.
But not her. Kate has not left her pose. She's not finished. She has so much more to do.
One of her cameramen yells, "Come on Kate, we gotta pack it up if you wanna hit all thirteen gigs on your tour!"
His limp, brown hair is held in a loose pony-tail. He wears a tye dye shirt saying "KATE ROCK... SUMMER TOUR 2009," with loose faded jeans. Cheap, the kind from K-mart. Or worse; the thrift store. His crooked yellow teeth are stained with the years of smoking. Disgusting. Unacceptable. Ugly.
He yells again, this time louder with cruelty.
Kate moves slightly, the roaring yell startling her. But she's not done. Anything to stay away from the dozens of thousands of fans awaiting her. And keeps posing.
The celebrity bends down low to the point where the damp grass, with occasional ants here and there, touches her chest slightly. The coldness of the grass convinces her to get up.
Kate stands up silently, stretching her long legs. She presses her hands against her designer jeans. KATE ROCK!" the man screams again.
She is alarmed, and moves quickly. As the celebrity walks her hips bounce side to side. Her pale arms at her side at all times; soldier like. Her chin in the direction of the grass.
Kate's stilettos brush against the grass, wet drops of water flying everywhere. Her hair bounces on her shoulders playfully.
Time for fun, she thinks sarcastically.
End of chapter
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140,905 Literary Works • 673,714 Reviews
This is good but there's one thing that doesn't work: after saying she loves most people it doesn't work that she should be meloncholy - maybe you should explain why she's not happy before you say that she 'lets the meloncholy pass.'
Also, it would be good if you were a little more descriptive. What's it like in the place she's in? What kind of things surround her?
Apart from that, though, good work!
Thanks for all the critiques guys! I edited everything and hope it's better now! I've decided I'll use it as my prologue for a short story I'm going to write. No idea on the title.... got any ideas???
NITPICKS:
OVERALL:
Punctuation and sentence structure. Need to do a lot of work on those. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have weird commas sometimes too - I guess that's what YWS is here for, huh?
Anyway, here's a great website on comma placement I checked out a couple times: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/ ... proof.html
As for the sentence structure? read your work out loud. Whenever you need to take a breath just assume that's where the sentence should STOP. Also, you can't have sentences like: The wind ruffling her hair. It should be something liek this: The wind ruffles her hair.
Okay, and one more thing I had a problem with. Your main character A.K.A. MC. She was... weird. Like not a good weird, but in a okay-I-totally-do-not-understand-her-and-I-should-since-this-is-her-story-and-this-is-first-person way. You need to delve into her thoughts more, and explain more. But be careful with that; showing-not-telling is big, too.
That's all I have for now. I think I covered everything. So good luck with your editing and writing.
KJ
This is a very nice portrayal of a rather stereotyped figure. However, the ending confuses me. It seems like she wants the world, not the tour, yet when she goes back to the tour she thinks it’s fun? That seems to contradict the rest of the story.
Also, you continually use two adjectives. A cold, stormy day. A dark, dirty dog. A yellow, sweet flower. Mix it up a little! No description, one description, three – blend them together.
Other than that, I’d say just focus on the other characters a bit more. When she looks at them, make them come alive – busy, loud, whatever. When she’s immersed in the world, have them fade to the back. Let us still remember them, but make them a little blurrier in our minds. Have them be quiet, but let us still sense their movements. Like when you focus in on one thing in a picture.
And work on making them human. You describe them physically, but there’s a lot more to them.
PM me for anything.
~JFW1415
fragment
This paragraph is just she does this, she does that. Try using a different word or rearranging the sentences so they don't all start with "she."
I'm not sure if "dawns" and "appliers" are quite the right words to use here.
This is pretty good so far. You have good description, especially towards the end. Not everything quite makes sense, but perhaps it will all fall into place when the story is finished. A couple grammar mistakes, but overall I'd say it's a good beginning. Keep writing!
Hello,
I review as I read, so I'm sorry if I critique anything that you remedy later on.
The cooling wind swings briefly in the humid, July air.
This makes it sound like the girl's anxiety is making her hair ruffled. Maybe put, "The wind making her soft chocolate brown..." Also you don't need the comma between "soft" and "chocolate" because "chocolate brown" is the color. If it were chocolately brown it would need the comma. Yeah?
*Is confused* Evil shadows? From what?
It seems a little strange that she's both bony and muscular. It gives a really odd image. Pick one.
You haven't mentioned that she was feeling melancholy before.
The sun dawns on her cold, pale face, and the clicking stops. The camera has been put away.
Don't need a comma before cameramen and need a space between "stylists" and "make up". Also I think they're called "make up artists" not appliers.
Doesn't really make sense/ is unneeded.
Haha. His teeth are cooked? I think you're forgetting an "r".
I don't think intoxicating is the word you want. It doesn't make any sense here.
No "with the world". For the same reasons as before.
.
It seems kind of weird that she was just trashing the other guy's walmart jeans and now she is destroying her own good ones. But if you keep this it needs to be, "...her hands onto her designer..."
I'm not sure about the semicolon here.. I'd double check.
Of the grass.
Bounces.
I'm not sure I understand this last line...
Overall:
Cute. Fairly well done. It's pretty short so we don't get to understand what exactly is going on. I think you need some sort of lead up, otherwise this is slightly confusing. Watch your commas. You like to throw them in where they're not needed. Also some of the descriptive words you had chose don't make sense in the context which you used them, be wary of that.
Otherwise, well done!
-Maggie